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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

HAVE YOUR SAY

Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board.

Have a read through the discussion boards, the chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.

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TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Results: 210 - 225 of 2103

  • Anonymous

    01/03/2014

    This is very difficult to do but being open about what I'm experiencing is long overdue. I have been with my partner for 7 years. Most of the time he's fantastic he's been there for me many times. But in hindsight I've invested so much in him that my relationships with friends have died out. I'm very family orientated and spend a lot of time with them which sometimes causes problems with him. If he's not invited somewhere I am he'll make me late or start a fight over something silly. He spends everyday with me so I often feel smothered. Hes been violent from the beginning but over the years the incidents are getting worse. In the first year it was a push nowadays it's 1000 times much more. It's quite hard to even document it. I've told him I'm scared for my life and I know one day I'll die from what he puts me through. Because it's getting worse he justifies his action by saying I provoke situations or he'll say give me a hug look what you made me do. It's hard to leave and he knows I fall back on my word so uses it against me. With age he's accepted he has a problem but won't get help, for long spurts he controls himself which usually means my belongings get broken or ruined. He likes to be in control and tells me he's the man as much as he can. He's dead between the eyes when he does these things but is careful that my family never find out. He's done things in public. I've had little old ladies offer to take me into their house for safety. The longer it goes on the less he cares. Part of the reason I stayed is because of how he turns things around and the progress he's made but every slip up gets worse. He's a victim of violent abuse but only I know of this. It's 99% good but the 1% is becoming more dangerous each time. I'm not sure what to do next he won't let me talk to anyone about it and the one friend I did tell spread rumours about me. I can't tell anyone because they will make me leave without hearing the full story. He often calls me names and tells me I'm worthless etc and because I have low self esteem I believe him. I've tried killing myself so it's all over and he's protected but I can't do that to my family that would be selfish of me. I'm trapped in a vicious cycle and I'm fresh out of ideas.

    Anonymous - 01/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Anonymous,
      Thank you for being so brave and contacting us. The behaviour of your partner towards you is for one reason only and this is to have total control over you and everything you wish to do. Very often there will be times when abusers can be ‘Prince Charming’ but this is still part of their way to have control over us as they are giving us hope that one day they will see through their promises to change and stop the abuse and be a loving partner. This is never going to happen.
      It is very common from abuse to escalate from verbal to physical but please know that this is never your fault or anyone else fault other than the abuser. Part of breaking away from the abuse is recognising that you are in an abusive relationship; the biggest sign of this is fear of your partner. Having this relationship is unhealthy and dangerous. Living with abuse effects us in many ways, emotionally it can leave lifelong scars.
      I’m really concerned that you feel the only way out is suicide. I would strongly recommend you seek support and advice from your local domestic abuse service or www.womensaid.org.uk , 0808 2000 247 (24 hours) they can provide confidential advice and information.
      I also suggest you contact your local GP regarding your suicidal thoughts they can help by referring you to support services such as counselling.
      We run live chat sessions Mon-Fri 5-7pm which you can also use.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 02/03/2014

  • Dee

    01/03/2014

    I understand that these adverts are meant to raise awareness and help those who have been through it but every time I hear/see them it hurts me so much and brings back all the horrible memories. I hate hearing that r word, it's the worst sinking feeling. These adverts always come out around the same time of year as my attacks, I swear. For me, it actually makes everything a lot worse when I thought I was doing okay. But I am so glad to see that it is helping others and making people realise that it is a big deal and is more common that you know

    Dee - 01/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Dee,
      Thank you for your post. I understand how hard it must be for you to be reminded of your experience. Many victims of rape or sexual assault can feel a range of feelings such as anxiety, stress, fear and also self blame making it difficult to cope. It is natural to experience these feelings but it is important for people to seek support, which is one the aims of this campaign.
      For those who need support I recommend contacting www.rapecrisis.org.uk or 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30, 7-9.30pm)
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 02/03/2014

  • Anon

    28/02/2014

    Hi. I know I'm in an abusive relationship, I just don't know what to do. I was raped at an early age and never told anyone. I then went a bit crazy with sexual partners and have since had counselling and come to terms with the fact that I had so many conquests because of "reclaiming power over men". I met my partner and things felt amazing, I felt I could be the person I was always wanting to be (relaxed, laid back, not needing to please). For some reason I told him about the rape and he was very upset for me, he wanted to make it all better. Things moved fast and we had a wonderful happy 6 months and he proposed and I said yes. We had had a conversation before getting engaged about past partners and I had not told him the correct number because of my shame. Shortly after getting engaged the conversation came up again and I said the numbers I told him were wrong and he went crazy. He chased me round the room, pinned me against a wall, shouted in my face and pushed me to the floor. I had not told him everything because my mum had always said "what they don't know won't hurt them". We carried on with our relationship and it was bad for a long time (6 years or so), this was on and off - it wasn't constant. Things then seemed to improve. They were good for a long time. We had a child. As soon as the baby was born it started again. A specific past relationship being questioned. I couldn't tell him the answers to his questions because of fear of being hurt. I lied again, but admitted sleeping with this person. Things were crap for a bit but then improved again and we were really happy. We moved house so we could get into good schools and I conceived again. He wasn't happy and was distant throughout my pregnancy. We argued a lot and he even once told me he hoped I die during childbirth. We had our baby and things were ok for a little while. Our first born got into a school which wasn't our first choice so we were a little annoyed but it is a good school so we weren't too bothered. Until we went to the welcome meeting and one of the parents turns out to be the one person from my past he has a real issue with. He walked out of the welcome meeting and went to sit in the car, the whole time sending me nasty text messages. He now makes nativities and parents evenings the most feared events for me. He will not let this issue go. He says its my disgusting fault he can't enjoy his child schooling. He has said he is disgusted that his children have come out of 'there'. For 2 weeks now he has been quizzing me about my past and I just cannot tell him anything. He keeps saying "if you have anything to tell me that you think I need to know, that you know is important to me, then you will look at your children and guilt will make you tell me". I do still have things I have not told him but I have read so much info that says "your partner does not need to know every single piece of your history". I'm having a real battle with myself. I'm not sure I love him anymore and my first born has witnessed some arguments with things happening like the remote being thrown at me. This will damage her. Should I tell him everything, risk being hurt but get it out of the way and move on for the kids? Should I leave him and have to tell the kids that mum and dad are seperated because mummy is a liar and then risk them hating me for it in later life? Am I being daft? He said I have ruined his life and he is going to tell anyone who will listen the truth about me (family, work, school). But then he changes and says he loves me and is very calm and says he just wants to move on and that he is devoted to making us work.
    In the past most of the time it was verbal abuse, shouting at me and calling me names. We have had physical fights. Early on he was the only physical one but then I started fighting back (I'm not a small weak person, and I used to do martial arts). I've had black eyes and bruised arms and legs, he even made me wet myself once. I have broken his nose and punched him in the face though. Am I just as bad as he is? The police were called out to us once, I was devastated! We are both from well off backgrounds. Mine a little better than his. His dad was abusive to his mum though and they are still together and he can still be nasty. I never thought my life would be like this! I don't want to be a single mum, my kids didn't ask for this!! I should of left him before they were ever thought of!
    Please help me. I can't tell my mum because she hates him and would pack mine and my kids stuff up and bundle me round to hers. But then that sounds great doesn't it? But then I would never have an amicable split and visits and things would be horrid!
    What do I do?

    Anon - 28/02/2014

    Reply
    • It’s brave of you to post and I can hear that you have been through a lot in your life and in your relationship. What is happening to you is not your fault, your partner is abusive. Nothing you have done gives your partner a right to abuse you verbally or physically. He is making you feel like this is your fault but it is not. He is choosing to be abusive. When you fight back you are protecting you. It’s completely different from you being an aggressor and starting fights.

      Do you have anyone in your life you trust? Friends or family? If you cannot talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you support and advice and help you decide how best to keep yourself safe. You can also look on this website www.womensaid.org.uk to find out more about domestic abuse and the support available to you in your local area.

      You also mention that you were raped at a younger age. That’s a very serious thing to go through. I’m pleased to hear you have had counselling. If you feel that this is something you still need support about you can call Rape Crisis. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm). The helpline is strictly confidential and they will be a good place for you to explore how you feel about telling your boyfriend and how you can manage the feelings it brings up for you.

      You have understrandable fears about leaving your partner and the impact on your children. There are also impacts on seeing your mother being abused. This is something you will need to discuss with a helpline or someother support servie. I have included a website here you may want to look at for more information about family law.

      http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

      You do not deserve to be treated the way you are, you haven’t done anything wrong. Your partner is fixating on a past relationship and using it as an excuse to abuse you. I can hear that you are under a lot of pressure and was wondering if you have discussed how you are feeling with your GP. They may also be able to refer you to support in your local area.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Anon

    27/02/2014

    Hi, my friend is has been in an abusive relationship for two years. He has a go at her daily, calls her nasty names, insults her, mocks her, as well as checking her phone constantly, he tracks her location and often hacks her facebook and reads her messages. He won't let her go out if there is a guy there, he's deleted all guys off her facebook, except her dad and he doesn't even trust her brother! He won't let her see her friends without permission and he has to approve her outfits, if not he'll call her nasty names. If she doesn't answer her phone he won't have a go at just her, but me, even if I'm on the otherside of the country, asleep. Not just him who emotionally abuses her, but his mum. She often makes her cry and recently they've been making nasty comments about her family.

    She says he didn't turn nasty until six months into the relationship, but I saw the signs even then. He was questioning who her male friends were, even her uncles! He would often ring me, if she was at work, to go 'check' on her. He got annoyed if she was with me and soon she had to ask for permission to see me. The controlling behaviour soon shifted to me as well, as I found out her tracked/checked my phone and would often question who I was seeing. I decided to remove myself from their relationship as much as I could, without sacrificing my friendship.

    She's now lost most of her friends and she's beginning to push away her family, they've tried to show they're worried but he found out and now she says how 'they're attacking them' when really all they showed was concern. He has now asked her to move in, far away, which is a massive worry for me as he'll often kick her out if he's not happy about something. She thinks she can change him and puts his behaviour down to 'normal'.

    I'm extremely worried about her and I'm beyond the point of knowing what to do, apart from offering my support.

    Anon - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anon,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how difficult this must be for you seeing your friend in this situation. You are obviously able to support her as much as the situation allows, which is important, as she needs people around her that will be understanding and not judge her while in this relationship. Which sounds exactly what you are doing.

      It seems that you have been able to talk to her about his behaviour in the past but it is something that she has brushed off. If she feels she has to defend her partner, even when he is wrong, it may not make her open to discussing the situation. In a gentle and non-judgemental way you could discuss respect in relationships with her and ask her how she feels about the situation she is in. If she does not want to talk about it let her know that you are always there for her.

      When we care about someone we can want him or her to end an abusive relationship quickly, as we don’t like to see him or her hurt. However ending it is something only your friend can do in her own time.

      Let her know that you care for her and will always be available for her to talk to and there are places like this website, which you could try to guide her to so she could see other people’s experiences that mirror her own, and the domestic abuse helpline she can contact (0808 2000 247) It is important that she has people to turn to that she can trust, and you are one of those people.

      You may also want to look on this website for more information for friends and family of people in abusive relationships.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080023

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Lowry

    27/02/2014

    I was in a 6 month long relationship with a boy who had been in Relationships before, whereas I hadnt (he was 14/15. I was 13). From the very beginning of the relationship I made it clear that I had no desire to take part in any sexual activity but he openly admitted that he wanted to make me his "little slag" from day one which put me off a bit. It took him 4 days to sort of convince me to do some stuff. After that I asked if we could slow things down and I put my foot down against going any further, but he came up with "whatever happens, happens. Isnt that right?" Apparently it was the motto to our relationship and he made sure that something would happen EVERY time.. he started to only invite me over his and we would never go out or socialize, that way he could have me in bed. He never asked for consent he just assumed. I was never comfortable with being with him.. I recall saying NO to at least 2 incidents which turned violent and were 100% sexual abuse.. but apart from that i only ever hinted that I didnt like it- "maybe we should just give it a rest for a few days", "i dont know" "it makes me feel dirty"- I didnt have the guts to say NO because he said hed split up with his last girlfriend for being too frigid and at the time I was being bullied by my only friends so he knew that I relied on him for a lot of support, he knew the bullies well, and he often reported back to them things Id said about them and he also disclosed information about our sexual relationship which was later posted online. l felt very alone and confused. He made me feel like I was only good for one thing.. once I decided to end the relationship I lost control of my mental health, I started sleeping around, drinking, self harming and developed anxiety, ptsd and severe clinical depression. He has never seen our relationship as anything more than normal which has been my only doubt that it wasnt abusive.. I kept in contact for a while because he was always saying he missed me and loved me but was never shy about the fact he wanted to use me for sex. It has been 2 years today since we broke up and I need answers about what happened to me.. was it in fact abuse? Could it have been unintentional? Why doesnht he see it as abuse? If I was to report him what would happen because I know 10001% he would deny it and I am petrified of not being believed. I am under camhs and on anti depressants and am trying to recover but I cant do that if I dont have some kind of closure! Thank you for helping :)

    Lowry - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • hi Lowry

      I am so glad you got in touch, well done for being so brave - it can be really hard to talk about things like this but it is so important to get some support.

      What this boy did to you was abuse - both sexually and emotionally. You do not have to say no to not consent to sex, and it sounds like you made it clear that you did not want to do things, so by forcing you or carrying on anyway when you were upset this is rape.

      I am glad you are no longer with him but I know that abuse can have a long lasting impact on us and I am not surprised that you have had mental health issues and started self-harming and drinking etc. I am concerned to hear about this though - it's great that you are being supported by camhs, do they know what happened? I think a good place to start is to tell them about the abuse. This will help them understand where you are coming from and they can support you with whatever you decide to do. They can also refer you to a local support service.

      It is totally your choice if you want to report this or not. I understand why you need answers. I think that unfortunately most people who are abusive think that their behaviour is normal and acceptable. There are lots of reasons for this but in reality there is never a reason for abuse and the only person responsible is the abuser themselves. In order to change, they need to accept this responsibility and be willing to change. It is unlikely that this will happen without some professional support for him.

      But the most important thing is your safety and wellbeing now.
      This page gives you some info about what happens if you want to report, you can also contact them for support - they have a helpline and can tell you where your local centre is. If you do decide to report it then they will support you with that.
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/reportingrape2.php

      Please do talk to the people at camhs and think about contacting rape crisis. I know it is scary but you are doing the right thing by talking about this now. Whether you report it or not, you are being really strong and brave and with help you can rebuild your life,
      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 28/02/2014

  • Anonymous

    27/02/2014

    I was at a party with some friends and I got drunk, as did most other people. I liked one of the guys and he liked me, we were sat in the corner snogging and everything was fine. He put is hand down my pants, I told him not to do anything and told him to stop, but he carried on and he ended up fingering me. I don't really remember it but I know it happened and I know I said no, does this count as rape/sexual assault? And what should I do about it, should I tell anyone?

    Anonymous - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      This must have been scary. You clearly told him to stop and he carried on which means it was sexual assault.
      Does anyone know what happened? Do you think you can tell anyone - someone in your family or at school? I know it can be hard to talk about but often it helps to talk to be able to work out how you are feeling and to start to feel safe again.
      What he did was wrong and in no way your fault. Have you seen him since?

      We have a live chat on here every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more about this. There will also be local support services - you can look up your nearest one here:
      http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364

      There is also some info on this site which may help:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/gettinghelp2.php

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 28/02/2014

  • Jacqui

    27/02/2014

    Hi I recently heard your advert on the radio and thought I would check this campaign out. I have been with my husband for 7 years and only been married for approx 18 months. I stupidly left my children (they were teenagers) & ex-husband when we first met. We argued from the beginning over silly things and I was always finding myself saying sorry, when deep down I knew I had done nothing wrong. My husband had been married twice before, and was always putting down his second wife, who I have become quite good friends with and now I can see that it was always him in the wrong. He also has no real friends, has fallen out with his daughters from his first marriage. He twists things and blames me, he is manipulating and controlling. I have to pay half on everything even though he earns much more than me, I havent seen his payslip for a few years now. He constantly complains about paying the bills and says he has no money. But owns 2 cars and 2 super bikes. He is jealous about me having any friends. He hads taken a dislike to most of them. He has accussed me a few times of fancing other men which is a complete lie. To other people who dont know him he appears charming. He has a fowl mouth constantly swearing. He got worse as soon as we got married in 2012, with the bad temper, putting me down. He even punched a hole in a door. Im frightened to mention that my friends have asked me to go out, I often have to pick the right time to tell him. Sex is when he wants it and how he wants it. He constantly complains that the house is dirty, I work full time and have to travel, I clean the house religously, and wait on him. He also cleans from time to time, and he will cook a meal maybe once a week. But Im not allowed to interfere with his cooking. I have also caught him looking at my phone. The worse thing is that he snaps if he doesnt hear the right thing, he controls the T.V. We had another upset this week, when again he snapped at me for no reason Is the way he says things that really hurts. Ive told him how I feel and again he blamed me. Ive decided this is it anymore and Im going to leave him, and I know deep down he will never change. Im lucky that I have support from my sister and friends.

    Jacqui - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jacqui
      Thanks for your message. It sounds like things have been really hard for a long time. Your husband has been abusive in lots of ways including financially and emotionally.
      I can understand your decision to leave the relationship and it is really good that your sister and friends are supportive but I also think you will benefit from some support from a specialist organisation. You can call the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247 to get advice and find out about local support options. You can also google the area you live in and 'domestic violence support' and it should give you info on local support services.

      Do you have a plan in place for when you leave? Sometimes it can be safer not to tell your husband that you are planning to leave as this could make him more abusive. Will you have somewhere to go? It is a good idea to pack a bag and leave it at a friends house - make sure you have all the important documents, passport, medication etc that you will need. There are some tips here on how to leave safely:
      http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/keeping-safe/

      If you want any legal advice you can contact 'rights of women' a female team of lawyers who specialise in these issues and offer free confidential legal advice: http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php
      020 7251 6577

      We also have a live chat service mon-fri from 5-7pm.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 28/02/2014

  • John

    27/02/2014

    I have a friend who has been in a relationship for about a month. She can sometimes be very very happy with her relationships, but other times she is distraught and very unhappy. Her boyfriend checks her phone, but hates it when she takes his phone. She is worried that he is cheating, for he was trying to get with her best friend before they got together. He also recieves nude images from other girls, and refuses to open his messages in front of her. He often makes her very unhappy, and has even reduced her to tears on more than one occasion. Does this count as an abusive relationship? And what can I do to help her deal with it?

    John - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear John,

      Thank you so much for your message. You are obviously a good friend and you are right to be concerned about the situation. The way in which her boyfriend is behaving sounds abusive.

      The best way you can support her by being there for her and talking to her, letting her know that you are supportive of her and you are not judging her. It sounds like her partner is checking who she speaks to, which might be the start of him isolating her so she feels she has no one to turn to.
      Let her know that you will always be there for her whatever she needs and if you feel you can let her know you are worried about her.

      I understand that you want her to leave him for her own safety; however it needs to be a decision she takes on her own and that can take time.

      If she is at any point, open to getting support you could encourage her to speak with someone at a local domestic violence service or the 24 hour domestic violence helpline - you can reach them on 0800 2000 247, or direct her to this site.
      Take care
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 27/02/2014

  • Sinead

    27/02/2014

    My girlfriend of three years keeps hitting me and saying it's a joke. She makes me feel unloved and upsets me a lot of the time. She sometimes ignores me for her other friends and makes me feel like I am not important. When she hits me she says she is joking but it hurts me. And she says things like I'm fat and I should die which upset me. Is this abuse?

    Sinead - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

    • Hi Sinead
      That sounds really hard. Hitting someone is never ok - even if they say it is a joke. It sounds like she is also being emotionally abusive to you with the things she is saying.
      Does anyone else know about this? Can you talk to anyone?
      There is a really good service you can access - they have an online chat option as well as a helpline and email support service - http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/
      You should not be treated like this is in a healthy and respectful relationship. Have a look at the site above and try to contact them and maybe also try to talk to someone you trust so you don't have to cope with this alone,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 28/02/2014

  • anon

    27/02/2014

    im 18 and ive been with this boy for a year and a half now. at first he was lovely and really great and made me fall in love but hes graduallly changed. he acts more like im his property than his girlfriend like he owns me and always tries to tell me what to do. he doesnt make me feel good about myself anymore and ive turned more insecure than ever, he says the compliments at the beggining of the relationship should make up for it. he makes me feel like he does such amazing things for me (that i should appreciate soo much) when he really doesnt at all. he hates me going out and gets so angry if i go clubbing or to a festival even if i invite him he says i shouldnt want to go. everytime i do something wrong he makes me feel so bad and goes so over the top. i cant really be myself around him and he always puts me in a bad mood because hes always moody but its one extreme to another so he'll be great but then suddenly switch, he blames everything on anger problems or other people but never tries to sort it out himself. he punches me in a jokey way but this is when things are going good and were not arguing which wouldnt be abuse but always leaves bruises and does it hard sometimes but tells me its not hard at all. he gets angry at the smallest things and goes mad and says such rude things to me asif he doesnt respect me and carries it on for hours sometimes days, im never anywhere near as rude to him. we argue so much now compared to before and hes always the one to start it but tries to make me think im the one that starts the arguments when i never do. last night we was arguing and he shouted in my face to get out and pushed me out the way so i pushed him back and his body clenched and stood over me like 'dont push me' very angrily and made me cry but doesnt care. i feel like if i was to do something that would get him really angry he would fully switch and do something bad. i just dont know what to do because i do love him but he causes me to feel so bad, would you say this is anything like abuse?

    anon - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear anon,
      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of strength to reach out and ask for help and I am pleased you have felt able to do so.

      Your boyfriend is being abusive and what is happening is not your fault. What you describe in your message are controlling and violent behaviours. You have not done anything to deserve this and what is happening.

      You say that you have brought this up with him and he did not acknowledge that what he is doing is a problem; instead he blames other people, anger issues or you. This shows that he is not going to change as he does not see what he is doing is wrong. You say you cannot be yourself around him and he stops you doing things you want to do. That sounds horrible for you. You deserve to be treated with love & respect, not made to feel bad about yourself and insecure and scared.

      Do you have anyone in your life you can talk to about the abuse, friends or family? I know it can be difficult to reach out to the people in your life, if you are in an abusive relationship the more support you have around you the easier it is for you to decide what to do next.

      If you cannot talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you support and advice and help you decide how best to keep yourself safe.

      We also have a live chat open tonight from 5-7.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Anon

    26/02/2014

    Hi I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. We both have problems with our life's he is an addict that is trying to quite and well I have dyslexia and am also a victim of rape. However since I have been with him I feel that there is a lot more wrong with me then I first thought, he never fails on pointing how how stupid I am by calling me all the names under the sun and when I cry when we are having a bad argument he loves to point out saying 'oh look at me I am such a victim' which makes me question whether or not I am being a retard I quote from him. The thing is I love him so much that I just feel completely alone without him, as my family don't care about me as he has pointed out so all I have in the world is him. I no longer have any friends to talk to as my life as myself and my boyfriend basically live together. I really don't know what to do with myself, I feel like ending my life so much because I feel so down about myself. Sorry for keeping it so short but I am worried I am worried he will come back at any moment and see me doing this.

    Anon - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      Thank you for your message. I am very concerned about you. What you are experiencing is abuse and it is not ok.
      I want to be clear that none of this is your fault and that there is nothing at all wrong with you.
      You say you are a victim of rape? This is a hugely traumatic experience and can take a very long time to recover from.
      Unfortunately it is very common for abusers to tell the people they are abusing that it is their fault and that they are stupid (which is not true). They also like to isolate people from those close to them to be able to better control them.
      I know you say you love him, but this is not a loving relationship, he has made you dependent on him so you can't imagine life without him but I promise you that most men would treat you like this. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

      There are lots of lovely organisations and people who can help you though. It is your choice if you want to stay in the relationship or leave, but they will be able to help you make those choices and to be safer. You can also start to rebuild relationships with your family and friends.

      You can ring the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 or you can google the name of where you live plus 'domestic violence support services' and you should get some info about local support. We also have a live chat service from 5-7 every mon-fri. I see that you are worried about him finding out that you are on this site? Maybe you could go to a library or internet cafe to use the computer? There is also a 'hide your tracks' button on our site (top right hand corner).

      I am concerned about you and really want you to get some support, you don't have to cope with this alone, and if you do choose to leave him, you won't be alone - there are a lot of support groups and things you can join to meet new people and cope with what has happened.
      If you want to get support around dealing with the rape, you can contact rape crisis - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999

      I am also very worried that you mentioned wanting to end your life.
      If you feel like this is is really important to talk to someone - this is a great organisation who support people who are feeling suicidal. Please contact them if you feel you need to.

      http://www.papyrus-uk.org/
      0800 068 41 41
      email: pat@papyrus-uk.org
      SMS: 07786 209697

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 27/02/2014

  • Anonymous

    26/02/2014

    I have been in a relationship for over 15 years married for 3 of those years and have 2 children. Im not sure if this is abuse or not. I suppose things started ok he was my childhood sweetheart after we bought a house things started to change our arguments no matter how silly always end up in my husband threatening to leave. I feel I cannot talk to him as he just shouts and gets angry if Im trying to talk to him about something he doesn't want to listen to which is pretty much everything he walks out leaving me very frustrated if I stand in his way and try to reason with him he pushes me out of his way. I half expect him to come back home in a better mood but its quite the opposite and I generally stay out of his way until he calms down which is sometimes days, then he just says can we forget about it. I have learned over the years best not to say anything until now my 1st child is nearly 6 and he talks to him terrible calls him stupid and degrades him of which I stand up to him and we end up arguing he tells our kids that mummy hates daddy and he is the victim I receive texs all day long about how Im the psycho and that ive always got a problem and how all this is my fault and nothing he does is wrong, I ignore most of them but I feel he keeps poking me until I react and I when I do Im crying and a bit hysterical I say how much he upsets me and this is destroying us I end up crying and this follows by him saying do something about it go on kick me out get a divorce. I suppose its come to the point where I dread coming home because I dont know what mood he is in. After our second child I became post natal depressed and was taking medication I made a mistake by telling him and now if we have an argument he says take 1 of your pills and blames an argument on my post natal depression. I ask him to do something around the house cook dinner bath kids and he either starts bashing cupboards and dishes or says hes too busy. What should I do... leave?

    Anonymous - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anonymous,
      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of courage to admit that things in your relationship are not right and reach out for help. There is support out there; you don’t have to cope on your own with these feelings.
      Your husband is being emotionally abusive to you and to your child. Threatening to leave you, blanking you, smashing cupboards and putting you down are all types of abuse and are not ok. What is happening is not your fault, it is your partner who is choosing to act in the way he is. I can hear how frightened you are of his moods and how he will act – walking on eggshells all the time must be very stressful for you when you have the responsibility of raising your children too.
      Do you have anyone in your life you trust? Friends or family or another trusted adult. If you cannot talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you support and advice and help you decide how best to keep yourself safe. You can also look on this website www.womensaid.org.uk to find out more about domestic abuse and the support available to you in your local area.
      We also have a live chat available 5-7 weeknights if you would like some more support.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Trevor

    26/02/2014

    I have been in a gay relationship with a guy named ...... He was very gentle and caring, we would always go out to meals and we were generally having a great relationship. Then came the abuse, it first started verbally and he would call me names, yell at me ect. Then one day he came home to find me and my brother ... eating together, he hit me. Help?

    Trevor - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Trevor

      I am really sorry to hear about the abuse you are experiencing. It is really good that you are looking for support.
      The best place to go is: http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/ - they are the main organisation who support people experiencing abuse in same sex relationships.
      0300 999 5428 - this is their helpline but you can also email them and they have a live chat service.

      They will be able to give you some advice about staying safe and talk you though what your options are,
      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 27/02/2014

  • almostnothere

    26/02/2014

    iv been in a relationship for 6 years. for the last few years my wife has been controlling & possesive. i noticed she had mood swings quite often and became irrational, loud, verbally abusive and at times breaking things or would go and spend money we never had. she took a lot of anger out on her daughter (who i see as my own) in turn she mimmicked this behaviour. school got involved as did CAMHS. once CAMHS got involved i got a rare chance to be out. i spilled my heart out about what was happening. they seemed really supportive and told me to go to the police and social services.
    so i did: after a couple of days social services old me it wasnt serious enough what was happening. but i told them the mental abuse has left our oldest daughter depressed and suicidal and at 10 that isnt healthy. she only has me to talk to. i dont tell her about my situation:that im locked in the house, not allowed anyone around, can answer my phone whilst she messages everyone on my contact list and facebook reguraly hoping to catch me out as i may have had an affair.
    after social services did nothing i got a call about my complaint to the police and told im best to leave it alone.
    because i had the courage and no one listend as i was a bloke i become homeless and the abuse escalated. i was better of homeless i enjoyed sleeping in alleys eventually ending in a hostel it was empowering. i found food on the floor at bus shelters which the kids had left. from a guy who once wore chistian laboutin trainers i was definateely in the deep end.

    anyway it was cold so i eventually had to go back plus i missed my kids. i had tasted freedom maybe i might have grown some balls to stand up to her a little. HAHAHA

    we had agreed no more kids some time ago. anyway one day she told me to have sex i tried to go to sleep. she got on top. i told her wait i need protection. she told me pull it out. when i was about to ejaculate i told her get off she forced herself down and continued i must have said this no less then 3/4 times. anyway it happened i rolled over praying she wouldnt get pregnant. we never had sex again for at least 6 months. she had fallen pregnant i told her i wasnt happy.but now i definatelly couldnt leave. although it might be rape or close ther about, i cant say anything as it'l fall on deaf ears once again.

    anyway the situation has only got worse and she continues to abuse our oldest daughter. our 2nd daughter who is 4 absolutely detesetes her and tell her i dont love you.
    things did improve a little and i was allowed to work with her friends husband. i saved up enough to get a car. but i was told to put it in her dads name. so i did although i paid for it and the receipt is in my name.
    often when we fight im locked out so i manage to sleep in the boot of the car. i will pull the back seats forward. the problem is she is not threatening to sell the car if she does il be back in alleys yes it was liberating as is sleping in the boot. at least in the boot of the car i have a asda smartprice duvet. but iv learnt to dress in layers just incase im given 10 seconds to get out before she cries rape or murder.

    my priority is my kids but i know social services wont do anything unless THEY can prove it. my word or even my sisters n dad who are both social workers has fallen on deaf ears. CAMHS i thought would at least interogate my daughter and get some information to find out if its true but they just de-referred her saying it was a differnt matter. id have thought a suicidal 10 year would have been a concern and least see what he says and see if she in danger. but i guess no one wants responsibility

    i really dont know what to do as the police say to me leave it its not a strong enough case as shes the woman. previously iv been suicidal but right now im trying to keep myself strong as i know if i die she wont be upset by it and the situation will only get worse. (one thing i told the police also whilst this all went on she would encourage/ tell me to commit suicide if i loved her)

    almostnothere - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Almostnothere,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how distressed you are and how much you have sought support and not found it. You are in a very abusive relationship and it takes a lot of courage to post here.

      Your wife is being extremely abusive to you, emotionally, financially and sexually. It sounds like you have reached out to many services in the hope of getting some support but have felt that you have not been listened to. What you are going through is traumatic and you have had to show real strength to try to stop what is happening. None of this is your fault and you deserve some help.

      It sounds like you have spoken about the abuse to your family and to the police as well as social services. However you have not felt supported. Have you spoken to any specialist organisations for men who are being abused? I would encourage you to call the Men’s Advice line 0808 801 0327 0808 801 0327, they are a specialist organisation who work with male victims of domestic violence. It’s a confidential helpline where you can discuss your options and get some emotional support. They are open 9-5 weekdays and may be be to point you towards some support in your local area. There is help out there for male victims, it’s just not very well publicised.

      I have put a link here to a family law charity that may be able to give you some advice about the problems you are having with social services not taking your allegations seriously or taking care of your child’s mental health.

      http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

      Have you spoken to your GP about what you are experiencing? If you are feeling suicidal it may be worth discuss with them and what you’re going through in your relationship.
      Take Care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Kat

    26/02/2014

    Hi! i was with my boyfriend for around 4 months, when one day, whilst my family were outside hosting a bbq right underneath my window, my boyfriend tried to encourage me into having sex, i didnt want to, but he began getting more frustrated the more i said no, but eventually he had 'sex' with me and as i was wearing a dress it made it easier for him, i repedtly asked him to stop, but he never until he thought a family member shouted on us! It wasnt until he left i realised how wrong what he did was, but having never had sex before i didnt let it grind me down too much, but over the next 12 months of our relationship, similar scenarios happened more and more until i eventually told him he was 'raping' me l, too which he laughed at. We split up around 6 months ago, and its affected me more than i thought it would, im very uncomfortable around guys my age now, and its affected my future relationship due to my lack of trust in not being treated the same way! my ex was very agressive and alot stronger than i am, and to this day i dont think he even realises what he did, and how harshly its affected me as a person! im not the girl i used to be, but i guess itll take time to get over!

    Kat - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kat

      That sounds like a really scary situation. You clearly told him you didn't want to have sex and wanted him to stop and by carrying on he was raping you.
      I know this is really hard, and it can take a very long time to come to terms with this and feel ready for a new relationship - that is totally normal. Remember that none of this was your fault. You just need some support to cope with this.
      The best place to start is with rape crisis - they are a lovely organisation and can really help:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999

      It may also help to talk to friends or family or someone else you trust about this, you don't have to try and cope alone,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 27/02/2014

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