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This is ABUSE

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 210 - 225 of 2199

  • Anon


    A year and a half ago I managed to get out of what was a very abusive 2 year long relationship. From the very beginning I was manipulated, threatened, abused and stolen from and I felt powerless to stop it. I tried to put on a brave face to everyone around me but inside I was broken and I felt I had no way out. It wasn't until I moved away that I managed to escape his hold on me by blocking all forms of contact. For months he continued to message me in anyway he could threatening me, my family, my friends and wanting to shame me to my family by telling them everything he had done to me. I still to this day can't admit to anyone the extent of abuse I suffered and have nightmares every night about it a year and a half on. Friends and family have both said I sleep talk and become very restless and I often wake up in a sweat. I don't know what to do or how to move on from this. As a result I suffer from depression but every time I wake up I hate myself for not getting away from him sooner and now I dread going to sleep. What can I do?

    Anon - 24/03/2014

    • Hi,

      Thanks for getting in contact. It sounds like it was a really positive thing to leave such an abusive relationship, and you should feel proud that you found the strength inside yourself to leave. It can be so difficult where a partner is so manipulative to leave.

      Have you accessed any support at all? A domestic violence service would assist you in obtaining legal remedies like a Non-Molestation Order so he could not contact you directly or indirectly. Is he still in contact now? If he is it is something you might want to consider.

      It seems like your biggest issue is addressing how you have been left feeling emotionally. It is really important to address this. As you've highlighted it is affecting your sleep, and your emotional wellbeing. In this circumstance I would recommend counselling. There are deep rooted issues left over from this relationship and they need to be addressed. Many women's services (domestic abuse services) offer counselling you can find your nearest by calling the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247, alternatively you can access counselling through your GP, where you are entitled to 6 sessions on the NHS. You can also find a list of local counsellors at Many of these offer support on a sliding scale of cost based on your income.

      I hope that with some therapeutic services you can begin to address these issues, and decrease nightmares and flashbacks.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2014

  • Emily


    When I was 13 I was with someone who was 18 he told me he loved me (as we had been together 5 month) and took me to his house in Sheffield I was scared to go but things were so bad at home I went with him. He waited until his parent and sister went out and then tried to do things to me, I tried to push him away but he wouldn't get off me,I was really scared and was crying but he wouldn't go. He pinned me down and raped me and I still have flashbacks about it as it's not the first time it has happened as it happened a year before all of this with a different bot when I was 12 and he was 19 and I hate being scared when I get into a relationship but I can't get rid of all the flashbacks

    Emily - 24/03/2014

    • Hi Emily,

      Thanks for getting in contact. I'm really sorry that you have had these experiences. It is understandable that you are having flashbacks.

      Traumatic experiences like this need to be addressed, and it can often be really difficult to make that first step and access some support. However, there are a lot of services out there that offer counselling and therapies for women who have experienced rape or sexual assault. From what you have said I think it would be really beneficial for you to access some support.

      You can find your nearest support service through Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

      What happened in both cases is illegal, and you can still report this to the Police. That can sound really scary, but it is never acceptable for anybody to behave in this way.

      You are not alone in this. There are services that can help you and put you at ease. They won't make you do anything you don't want to do.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2014

  • Jack


    Abuse on its own shouldnt happen but between 2 people that love eachother is even worse!

    Jack - 24/03/2014

  • Geoffrey Harris


    I came out of one relationship to protect a child and have been raising the child ever since seven weeks old hes now three. whilst being in the relationship i have had threats of homelessness violence and controlling behavair from the mother and her brother he is gay and often throws his sexuality around to get an advantage upon view points held by others now i also have a gay brother who supports me and he thinks that the other guy is appalling. I live from day to in fear of being thrown out i have supported the mother i dont work as all my time is looking after one autistic little boy who i owe my life to have raised him since he was a baby done nighttime feeds took hikm out when mum went to work but even on days off she didnt want to participate that was in the early sages but could of been postnatal. The little boy is in playgroup where the mothers sister has been appointer by the mother to be his one to one. I hasten to add the one to one is not qualified in autism it also the wrong environment for the little boy to be in. I have suggested respite and provided papers to sign to get respite for the mum but all my actions get rulled out and ridiculed. I am a firm believer in gelling together to make it work for one little boy but there are so many factors that will destablize his life. I live in dereham norfolk in the uk. I feel powerless like a piece of paper to deal with the defaming of me and i have been threaten with violence and also been told that if i dont get out she will get police i have done nothing wrong only support the little boy. now the little boy is well looked after and i bathe feed and get him to bed also read and he has friends he likes to see and interact with i feel as a man i am at a brickwall with this i have dedicated my time and life for the last three years to this little boy who isnt biologically mine but been there for him since 7 weeks old he calls me dad and i am attached to him. I feel so alone here. someone talk to me

    Geoffrey Harris - 24/03/2014

    • Hi Geoffrey,

      Thanks for getting in contact. There is a lot of information in your post, I will try to answer as many questions as I can.

      I appreciate that you have acted as a father to the child since he was 7 weeks old. However, as you are not the biological father it will be very difficult for you to obtain any legal rights around the child. I think it would be best for you to take some legal advice around this. You can contact the Child Law Advice Line on 0808 802 0008, they offer legal advice on any matter involving children. If you have got concerns for the child's well being, then you can contact Children's Services yourself through your local council. You can do this if you have concerns for the behaviour of the mother, or of the situation at the nursery.

      Secondly, it is difficult to advise you on your housing situation, like who owns the property/who is on the tenancy. So it might be helpful to contact Shelter on 0845 345 4345, they offer legal advice around housing.

      I feel the sexuality of the other son is irrelevant, and there wasn't really any context there that I could advise on.

      If you feel that you are in danger then always contact the Police.

      If you feel you would like further advice or support then you can talk to us on our live chat service, Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm, or contact the Men's Advice Line on 0808 801 0327.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2014

  • Kyle


    My friend has really changed since she started dating her boyfriend she use to be so happy and always up for a joke and use to tell me I'm like a brother to her. Ever since she started dating this guy she has said she doesn't care about me and that she really wants to smoke weed although she said to me a year ago she would never do that and she started hanging out with this girl that treats her like trash and she just accepts it and when I ask her why her and I don't hang out any more she says she doesn't want her boyfriend to think she is cheating on him and I said hanging out with another guy is not cheating to which she replying try telling him that. Lately they've been arguing a lot and from she has told i am usually the topic of the argument apparently every time she's on her phone around him he always ask if she's talking to me even though we don't have each others numbers he often says he wants to fight me because i'm apparently trying to steal her. I don't know if this is emotional abuse or not but i would say it is and I just really want to know how I can help her.

    Kyle - 24/03/2014

    • Dear Kyle,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how difficult this must be for you seeing your friend in this situation. You are obviously want to support her, which is important, as she needs people around her that will be understanding and not judge her while in this relationship. Which sounds exactly what you are doing.

      From what you describe it sounds like her boyfriend is being emotionally abusive. It also seems that you have been able to talk to her about his behaviour in the past but it is something that she has brushed off. If she feels she has to defend her partner, even when he is wrong, it may not make her open to discussing the situation. In a gentle and non-judgemental way you could discuss respect in relationships with her and ask her how she feels about the situation she is in. If she does not want to talk about it let her know that you are always there for her.

      When we care about someone we can want him or her to end an abusive relationship quickly, as we don’t like to see him or her hurt. However ending it is something only your friend can do in her own time.
      Let her know that you care for her and will always be available for her to talk to and there are places like this website and the domestic abuse helpline she can contact (0808 2000 247) It is important that she has people to turn to that she can trust, and you are one of those people.

      You may also want to look on this website for more information for friends and family of people in abusive relationships.§ion=00010001002200410001§ionTitle=Articles%3A+domestic+violence

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team 24/03/2014

  • gracie


    abuse is never ok

    gracie - 23/03/2014

  • Hannah


    I am not sure if it is classed as rape but when i was 14 years old i was in a relationship for 2 week with my 16 year old boyfriend and he tried to persuade me into having sex with him but when the day came even though i consented when we was walking to the place where the sex took place I started to change my mind but i was too scared to say anything so i kept quiet and let him have his way with me i was a virgin and with it being my first time it was painful and i tried to struggle off of him while he was penetrating me i did not enjoy it and i wanted him to stop but i was too scared to say anything he kept on holding me until until he had finished but i tried to struggle away instead of asking him to stop, i think he may have thought i was uncomfy but as i couldn't do anything and was too scared to say anything i let him carry on while i was not enjoying it and in pain as i didn't know what else to do

    Hannah - 23/03/2014

    • Hi Hannah,

      Thanks for coming forward to talk about your experience.

      Sex with somebody under the age of 16 is rape, whether they consent to it or not. It is against the law. And your partner at the time would have known this.

      Secondly, you have the right to withdraw your consent at any time. You can do this during sex, you can tell someone to stop. What happened is not your fault.

      It sounds like it was a traumatic experience for you, and it might be helpful for you to talk to somebody about how you feel about what happened. We are running live chats Monday to Friday, 5pm-7pm on the website. Alternatively, you can contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2014

  • Emma


    Hi there
    I'm a little confused.
    I've been with my boyfriend over a year now. At first we had an amazing relationship. Then i started seeing a different side to him. I suffer from anxiety and he knows this. He often uses this against me to make me feel guilty in arguments and i always end up apologising, regardless of whether the argument was my fault. He often puts me down and calls me some horrible names. Hes physically hurt me before and threatens to hurt me alot, although i dont think he'd go through with it again. He tells me i ruin sex because im never in the mood and threatens to go elsewhere for sex when i say no. Is this an abusive relationship?

    Emma - 22/03/2014

    • Hi Emma,

      Thank you for coming forward to talk about this. It sounds like it is really tough for you.

      A relationship is always abusive if one person is using violence against another, and you have said that he has used violence against you on several occasions. His threat of violence is also concerning. Nobody has the right to behave this way to another.

      It seems like he has a lot of power and control over you, and that is really unhealthy, and a sign of an abusive relationship.

      Lastly, it is never acceptable for someone to pressure you into having sex when you do not want to, and using emotional blackmail to do this still makes what is happening rape.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to a professional about what has been happening. You can talk to us on live chat, Monday to Friday 5pm-7pm on the website. Alternatively, you can call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

      There is also a lot of information at

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team - 25/03/2014

  • Georgia


    I was 12 when I first met this boy, he was 15 and I thought he liked me and he told me that he loved me and was going to protect me, I was very vulnerable and young so I believed every word he said.. He then started asking if I was a virgin and told me that everyone at my age has done it and it's okay if I do it, he made me feel very safe but part of him still scared me as in my head I knew what he wanted to do to me was wrong... But I never said no.. I am now 15, depressed and I self harm.. I really am still confused... Did he rape me or not? I feel disgusted with myself, I wish I had said no...

    Georgia Georgia - 22/03/2014

    • Hi Georgia,

      Thanks for your post. I am sorry that this happened to you. It was not your fault. It sounds as though it would have been really difficult for you to say no in that situation. The law states that you need to be 16 to give consent if the person who you have sex with is older then they can face serious consequences, so you wouldn’t have been able to give consent even by saying yes.
      I think it would be good for you to talk to one of the following organisations who help people who have experienced sexual abuse in the past, or an adult that you trust who can help you get some support.
      They can provide support and counseling or just talk with you on the phone if that’s what you prefer. You can also talk to an advisor here on live chat between 5pm and 7pm on weekdays.
      Take Care Georgia,

      This is Abuse team 24/03/2014

  • Maya


    Hello.My husband mentally and emotionally abuse me, for 4 years.I am in spouse visa, I couldn't take any more. I had stroke.He use our 4 years daughter.He told her she don't have to learn Russian, cos she is English like him.I am all ways wrong, stop to take me our daughter to visit my family.Help me please.

    Maya - 22/03/2014

    • Dear Maya,

      Thank you for your message. I’m pleased you have posted here, it’s brave of you to share what is happened in your relationship. What you husband is did is not excusable and is against the law. I can hear how hard you are finding this situation and how trapped. There is support you can access to help you with this.

      Your husband is being abusive still by using your child to control you. All the things you describe in your message are also abuse. No one should make another person feel frightened of him or her or try to control him or her.

      Do you know anyone you could talk to about this, friends or any family to get some emotional support? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take next. You can also look on this website:

      And for information about your legal rights regarding your child you can also look here.

      It sounds like this ha had a big impact on your health, have you spoken to your GP about the abuse you suffered? They may be able to offer you some support. You can slo look on this website for services in your local area.

      We have live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk about this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,


      This is Abuse team 24/03/2014

  • Natalia


    So the other night I snuck out of my house and went over to this guy, a friend of mine whom I have known for a long time, to hangout with him, and my, and his other friend who came aswell. Let's call the guy who's house it was "Adam" and the friend "Colton". So we watched a movie and me and Colton drank a ton, but I was lying down so I didn't realize how drunk I was getting. Colton started like rubbing my leg, and my hips and cuddling in closer to me, he put his arm around me and started stroking my leg and playingn footsies. Then he kissed me on the cheek and tried to kiss me on the lips but I said no, because I didn't really like him like that and didn't want to kiss him. He stopped for a minute but then proceeded, And did it all again, minus trying to kiss me, but started feeling me up over my clothing. I wasn't really stopping him nor encouraging him, and so he just kept going and then went under my clothes and then he suddenly got up and grabbed me and pulled me downstairs too his friend "Adams" room where he put me on the bed. I was so drunk I couldn't even walk and had no idea what was happening. Everything went further and we ended up making out even though I didn't want to, and I gave him and hj, and a bj, and then I told him to get a condom. We ended up having sex, but I didn't enjoy any of it. I initially said no, but then I was the one later who told him to grab a condom. This wasn't rape was it? I still feel disgusting about what happened and I regret it so much.

    Natalia - 21/03/2014

    • Hi Natalia

      Thanks for your message, I am sorry to hear about what you went through, it must have been very distressing.
      Even though you told him to get a condom, you had already said no and because you were drunk you were actually unable to consent.
      There is more info on this here as I know this can get confusing;

      Have you spoken to anyone about this? Talking about it can really help. You can also contact rape crisis who will be able to listen to you confidentially.
      freephone helpline
      0808 802 9999
      12 - 2.30pm
      7 - 9.30pm

      They can also let you know about local support services in your area. You do not have to try to cope with this alone.
      We also have a live chat service every mon-fri between 5-7pm if you want to talk more to us,

      Please don't feel disgusting, this was not your fault. Try to talk to someone about this as soon as you can,
      take care

      This is Abuse team - 24/03/2014

  • Gemma


    i have just finished my relationship as i feel i was being emotionally abused. my partner did not like me talking or seeing other friends. he wouldnt take my feelings into account and always turned things around to things being my fault. can anybody help me on how to stay strong and how to gain my confidence back

    Gemma - 21/03/2014

    • Hi Gemma,

      Thanks for getting in touch. Emotional abuse can in some ways be more devastating to deal with than physical abuse. Bruises can heal a lot faster than the emotional scars we are left to try and deal with.
      Emotional abuse impacts on our self-esteem and confidence which can lead many of us to sometimes think we deserved to be treated this way. No one ever deserves to be abused and victims of domestic abuse should never blame anyone other than their abusers.
      I would recommend you contact or call the national Freephone helpline 0808 2000 247 who can offer you advice and support.

      Take care

      This is Abuse team 21/03/2014

  • Lucy Jones


    Not sure if this is rape or sexual assault or nothing and i'm being paranoid - my ex asked for sex and i didn't want to i told him that i didn't , he didn't listen, he kissed me and at the time i loved him so i relaxed and went along with it he pushed me against a fence and had sex with me when i pushed him away he just forced himself against me until i said i had to go for the fourth time - He claimed to be drunk but i'm not sure???

    Lucy Jones - 20/03/2014

    • Hi Lucy,

      Thanks for your message. Everyone has the right to say NO to sex, no matter what situation you are in. If you do not give your consent or say no and the other person does not stop, this is rape and against the law.
      No victim of rape should ever blame themselves. It makes no difference what clothes you were wearing or how much you'd had to drink that night. If you don't give your consent it is rape.
      Your ex partner is using alcohol as a reason. Alcohol is never a reason it is an excuse for him to justify his behaviour.
      I would suggest you contact or call the national helpline 0808 2000 247 (12-2.30pm, 7-9.30pm) who can offer you advice and support.

      Take care

      This is Abuse team 21/03/2014

  • Sam


    I need some help!
    My mum told me last week that when she was 12 she was sexually abused by her dad for 15 years. He is now no longer here.
    She claims she is ok now as she has told someone but I'm trying to get her to go speak to someone and to be honest it has seriously affected me. My grandad was more like my dad, I adored him but now I can't help but hate him. Hate him for what he's done to my mum, hate him for helping me through a sexual abuse by my uncle whilst knowing he did that to my mum. I can't stop crying and I really do not know what to do now.
    I have so many questions I want to ask her and haven't slept very well for a week due to my mind racing.
    Please someone point me in the right direction.

    Sam - 20/03/2014

    • Hi Sam,

      Thanks for your message. Many people who have been raped or sexually assaulted may not speak out for a long time about their experiences. The main reason is the fear of others not believing them or the feeling that they are to blame.
      I'm sorry to hear that you have also experienced sexual abuse and I can understand how upsetting and confusing this can all seem to you and you mother.
      I suggest you both contact or call the national helpline 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9.30pm) they can offer information and specific advice to under 18's.

      Take care

      This is Abuse team 21/03/2014

  • Annaleyse G


    Any form of abuse isn't right. I was in a relationship with my daughters dad for three years. I haven't been able to tell anyone this, but i was physically abused for 2years. He would beat me up if i didn't cook his food properly. I thought it was okay maybe because i loved him and didn't want people to think i was attention seeking. He once threw me against the wall. I finally ended my relationship after him beating me and threatening to kill me in front of our daughter. In no way is this right. Anyone being hurt or even emotional abused isit right. Im still trying to cope with it all. I cant be in a relationship because Im scared we both will get hurt.

    Annaleyse G - 19/03/2014

    • Hi Annaleyse,

      Thank you for finding the courage to share your story. You are right no one deserves to be abused and victims of abuse should never blame themselves for their abusers actions.
      Many victims can struggle to move on with their lives and just because the relationship has ended does not mean the abuse has. Many victims are left with a number of emotional issues to deal with such as depression and anxiety.
      Children who witness domestic abuse are also deeply affected and can suffer the same emotional problems as their parent who is abused.
      I would suggest you contact or the national Freephone domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247 for more advice and support.

      Take care

      This is Abuse team 21/03/2014

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Results: 210 - 225 of 2199

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