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This is ABUSE

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Results: 210 - 225 of 2098

  • Anonymous

    27/02/2014

    I was at a party with some friends and I got drunk, as did most other people. I liked one of the guys and he liked me, we were sat in the corner snogging and everything was fine. He put is hand down my pants, I told him not to do anything and told him to stop, but he carried on and he ended up fingering me. I don't really remember it but I know it happened and I know I said no, does this count as rape/sexual assault? And what should I do about it, should I tell anyone?

    Anonymous - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      This must have been scary. You clearly told him to stop and he carried on which means it was sexual assault.
      Does anyone know what happened? Do you think you can tell anyone - someone in your family or at school? I know it can be hard to talk about but often it helps to talk to be able to work out how you are feeling and to start to feel safe again.
      What he did was wrong and in no way your fault. Have you seen him since?

      We have a live chat on here every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more about this. There will also be local support services - you can look up your nearest one here:
      http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364

      There is also some info on this site which may help:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/gettinghelp2.php

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 28/02/2014

  • Jacqui

    27/02/2014

    Hi I recently heard your advert on the radio and thought I would check this campaign out. I have been with my husband for 7 years and only been married for approx 18 months. I stupidly left my children (they were teenagers) & ex-husband when we first met. We argued from the beginning over silly things and I was always finding myself saying sorry, when deep down I knew I had done nothing wrong. My husband had been married twice before, and was always putting down his second wife, who I have become quite good friends with and now I can see that it was always him in the wrong. He also has no real friends, has fallen out with his daughters from his first marriage. He twists things and blames me, he is manipulating and controlling. I have to pay half on everything even though he earns much more than me, I havent seen his payslip for a few years now. He constantly complains about paying the bills and says he has no money. But owns 2 cars and 2 super bikes. He is jealous about me having any friends. He hads taken a dislike to most of them. He has accussed me a few times of fancing other men which is a complete lie. To other people who dont know him he appears charming. He has a fowl mouth constantly swearing. He got worse as soon as we got married in 2012, with the bad temper, putting me down. He even punched a hole in a door. Im frightened to mention that my friends have asked me to go out, I often have to pick the right time to tell him. Sex is when he wants it and how he wants it. He constantly complains that the house is dirty, I work full time and have to travel, I clean the house religously, and wait on him. He also cleans from time to time, and he will cook a meal maybe once a week. But Im not allowed to interfere with his cooking. I have also caught him looking at my phone. The worse thing is that he snaps if he doesnt hear the right thing, he controls the T.V. We had another upset this week, when again he snapped at me for no reason Is the way he says things that really hurts. Ive told him how I feel and again he blamed me. Ive decided this is it anymore and Im going to leave him, and I know deep down he will never change. Im lucky that I have support from my sister and friends.

    Jacqui - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jacqui
      Thanks for your message. It sounds like things have been really hard for a long time. Your husband has been abusive in lots of ways including financially and emotionally.
      I can understand your decision to leave the relationship and it is really good that your sister and friends are supportive but I also think you will benefit from some support from a specialist organisation. You can call the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247 to get advice and find out about local support options. You can also google the area you live in and 'domestic violence support' and it should give you info on local support services.

      Do you have a plan in place for when you leave? Sometimes it can be safer not to tell your husband that you are planning to leave as this could make him more abusive. Will you have somewhere to go? It is a good idea to pack a bag and leave it at a friends house - make sure you have all the important documents, passport, medication etc that you will need. There are some tips here on how to leave safely:
      http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/keeping-safe/

      If you want any legal advice you can contact 'rights of women' a female team of lawyers who specialise in these issues and offer free confidential legal advice: http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php
      020 7251 6577

      We also have a live chat service mon-fri from 5-7pm.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 28/02/2014

  • John

    27/02/2014

    I have a friend who has been in a relationship for about a month. She can sometimes be very very happy with her relationships, but other times she is distraught and very unhappy. Her boyfriend checks her phone, but hates it when she takes his phone. She is worried that he is cheating, for he was trying to get with her best friend before they got together. He also recieves nude images from other girls, and refuses to open his messages in front of her. He often makes her very unhappy, and has even reduced her to tears on more than one occasion. Does this count as an abusive relationship? And what can I do to help her deal with it?

    John - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear John,

      Thank you so much for your message. You are obviously a good friend and you are right to be concerned about the situation. The way in which her boyfriend is behaving sounds abusive.

      The best way you can support her by being there for her and talking to her, letting her know that you are supportive of her and you are not judging her. It sounds like her partner is checking who she speaks to, which might be the start of him isolating her so she feels she has no one to turn to.
      Let her know that you will always be there for her whatever she needs and if you feel you can let her know you are worried about her.

      I understand that you want her to leave him for her own safety; however it needs to be a decision she takes on her own and that can take time.

      If she is at any point, open to getting support you could encourage her to speak with someone at a local domestic violence service or the 24 hour domestic violence helpline - you can reach them on 0800 2000 247, or direct her to this site.
      Take care
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 27/02/2014

  • Sinead

    27/02/2014

    My girlfriend of three years keeps hitting me and saying it's a joke. She makes me feel unloved and upsets me a lot of the time. She sometimes ignores me for her other friends and makes me feel like I am not important. When she hits me she says she is joking but it hurts me. And she says things like I'm fat and I should die which upset me. Is this abuse?

    Sinead - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

    • Hi Sinead
      That sounds really hard. Hitting someone is never ok - even if they say it is a joke. It sounds like she is also being emotionally abusive to you with the things she is saying.
      Does anyone else know about this? Can you talk to anyone?
      There is a really good service you can access - they have an online chat option as well as a helpline and email support service - http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/
      You should not be treated like this is in a healthy and respectful relationship. Have a look at the site above and try to contact them and maybe also try to talk to someone you trust so you don't have to cope with this alone,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 28/02/2014

  • anon

    27/02/2014

    im 18 and ive been with this boy for a year and a half now. at first he was lovely and really great and made me fall in love but hes graduallly changed. he acts more like im his property than his girlfriend like he owns me and always tries to tell me what to do. he doesnt make me feel good about myself anymore and ive turned more insecure than ever, he says the compliments at the beggining of the relationship should make up for it. he makes me feel like he does such amazing things for me (that i should appreciate soo much) when he really doesnt at all. he hates me going out and gets so angry if i go clubbing or to a festival even if i invite him he says i shouldnt want to go. everytime i do something wrong he makes me feel so bad and goes so over the top. i cant really be myself around him and he always puts me in a bad mood because hes always moody but its one extreme to another so he'll be great but then suddenly switch, he blames everything on anger problems or other people but never tries to sort it out himself. he punches me in a jokey way but this is when things are going good and were not arguing which wouldnt be abuse but always leaves bruises and does it hard sometimes but tells me its not hard at all. he gets angry at the smallest things and goes mad and says such rude things to me asif he doesnt respect me and carries it on for hours sometimes days, im never anywhere near as rude to him. we argue so much now compared to before and hes always the one to start it but tries to make me think im the one that starts the arguments when i never do. last night we was arguing and he shouted in my face to get out and pushed me out the way so i pushed him back and his body clenched and stood over me like 'dont push me' very angrily and made me cry but doesnt care. i feel like if i was to do something that would get him really angry he would fully switch and do something bad. i just dont know what to do because i do love him but he causes me to feel so bad, would you say this is anything like abuse?

    anon - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear anon,
      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of strength to reach out and ask for help and I am pleased you have felt able to do so.

      Your boyfriend is being abusive and what is happening is not your fault. What you describe in your message are controlling and violent behaviours. You have not done anything to deserve this and what is happening.

      You say that you have brought this up with him and he did not acknowledge that what he is doing is a problem; instead he blames other people, anger issues or you. This shows that he is not going to change as he does not see what he is doing is wrong. You say you cannot be yourself around him and he stops you doing things you want to do. That sounds horrible for you. You deserve to be treated with love & respect, not made to feel bad about yourself and insecure and scared.

      Do you have anyone in your life you can talk to about the abuse, friends or family? I know it can be difficult to reach out to the people in your life, if you are in an abusive relationship the more support you have around you the easier it is for you to decide what to do next.

      If you cannot talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you support and advice and help you decide how best to keep yourself safe.

      We also have a live chat open tonight from 5-7.

      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Anon

    26/02/2014

    Hi I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. We both have problems with our life's he is an addict that is trying to quite and well I have dyslexia and am also a victim of rape. However since I have been with him I feel that there is a lot more wrong with me then I first thought, he never fails on pointing how how stupid I am by calling me all the names under the sun and when I cry when we are having a bad argument he loves to point out saying 'oh look at me I am such a victim' which makes me question whether or not I am being a retard I quote from him. The thing is I love him so much that I just feel completely alone without him, as my family don't care about me as he has pointed out so all I have in the world is him. I no longer have any friends to talk to as my life as myself and my boyfriend basically live together. I really don't know what to do with myself, I feel like ending my life so much because I feel so down about myself. Sorry for keeping it so short but I am worried I am worried he will come back at any moment and see me doing this.

    Anon - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      Thank you for your message. I am very concerned about you. What you are experiencing is abuse and it is not ok.
      I want to be clear that none of this is your fault and that there is nothing at all wrong with you.
      You say you are a victim of rape? This is a hugely traumatic experience and can take a very long time to recover from.
      Unfortunately it is very common for abusers to tell the people they are abusing that it is their fault and that they are stupid (which is not true). They also like to isolate people from those close to them to be able to better control them.
      I know you say you love him, but this is not a loving relationship, he has made you dependent on him so you can't imagine life without him but I promise you that most men would treat you like this. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

      There are lots of lovely organisations and people who can help you though. It is your choice if you want to stay in the relationship or leave, but they will be able to help you make those choices and to be safer. You can also start to rebuild relationships with your family and friends.

      You can ring the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 or you can google the name of where you live plus 'domestic violence support services' and you should get some info about local support. We also have a live chat service from 5-7 every mon-fri. I see that you are worried about him finding out that you are on this site? Maybe you could go to a library or internet cafe to use the computer? There is also a 'hide your tracks' button on our site (top right hand corner).

      I am concerned about you and really want you to get some support, you don't have to cope with this alone, and if you do choose to leave him, you won't be alone - there are a lot of support groups and things you can join to meet new people and cope with what has happened.
      If you want to get support around dealing with the rape, you can contact rape crisis - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999

      I am also very worried that you mentioned wanting to end your life.
      If you feel like this is is really important to talk to someone - this is a great organisation who support people who are feeling suicidal. Please contact them if you feel you need to.

      http://www.papyrus-uk.org/
      0800 068 41 41
      email: pat@papyrus-uk.org
      SMS: 07786 209697

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 27/02/2014

  • Anonymous

    26/02/2014

    I have been in a relationship for over 15 years married for 3 of those years and have 2 children. Im not sure if this is abuse or not. I suppose things started ok he was my childhood sweetheart after we bought a house things started to change our arguments no matter how silly always end up in my husband threatening to leave. I feel I cannot talk to him as he just shouts and gets angry if Im trying to talk to him about something he doesn't want to listen to which is pretty much everything he walks out leaving me very frustrated if I stand in his way and try to reason with him he pushes me out of his way. I half expect him to come back home in a better mood but its quite the opposite and I generally stay out of his way until he calms down which is sometimes days, then he just says can we forget about it. I have learned over the years best not to say anything until now my 1st child is nearly 6 and he talks to him terrible calls him stupid and degrades him of which I stand up to him and we end up arguing he tells our kids that mummy hates daddy and he is the victim I receive texs all day long about how Im the psycho and that ive always got a problem and how all this is my fault and nothing he does is wrong, I ignore most of them but I feel he keeps poking me until I react and I when I do Im crying and a bit hysterical I say how much he upsets me and this is destroying us I end up crying and this follows by him saying do something about it go on kick me out get a divorce. I suppose its come to the point where I dread coming home because I dont know what mood he is in. After our second child I became post natal depressed and was taking medication I made a mistake by telling him and now if we have an argument he says take 1 of your pills and blames an argument on my post natal depression. I ask him to do something around the house cook dinner bath kids and he either starts bashing cupboards and dishes or says hes too busy. What should I do... leave?

    Anonymous - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anonymous,
      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of courage to admit that things in your relationship are not right and reach out for help. There is support out there; you don’t have to cope on your own with these feelings.
      Your husband is being emotionally abusive to you and to your child. Threatening to leave you, blanking you, smashing cupboards and putting you down are all types of abuse and are not ok. What is happening is not your fault, it is your partner who is choosing to act in the way he is. I can hear how frightened you are of his moods and how he will act – walking on eggshells all the time must be very stressful for you when you have the responsibility of raising your children too.
      Do you have anyone in your life you trust? Friends or family or another trusted adult. If you cannot talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you support and advice and help you decide how best to keep yourself safe. You can also look on this website www.womensaid.org.uk to find out more about domestic abuse and the support available to you in your local area.
      We also have a live chat available 5-7 weeknights if you would like some more support.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Trevor

    26/02/2014

    I have been in a gay relationship with a guy named ...... He was very gentle and caring, we would always go out to meals and we were generally having a great relationship. Then came the abuse, it first started verbally and he would call me names, yell at me ect. Then one day he came home to find me and my brother ... eating together, he hit me. Help?

    Trevor - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Trevor

      I am really sorry to hear about the abuse you are experiencing. It is really good that you are looking for support.
      The best place to go is: http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/ - they are the main organisation who support people experiencing abuse in same sex relationships.
      0300 999 5428 - this is their helpline but you can also email them and they have a live chat service.

      They will be able to give you some advice about staying safe and talk you though what your options are,
      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 27/02/2014

  • almostnothere

    26/02/2014

    iv been in a relationship for 6 years. for the last few years my wife has been controlling & possesive. i noticed she had mood swings quite often and became irrational, loud, verbally abusive and at times breaking things or would go and spend money we never had. she took a lot of anger out on her daughter (who i see as my own) in turn she mimmicked this behaviour. school got involved as did CAMHS. once CAMHS got involved i got a rare chance to be out. i spilled my heart out about what was happening. they seemed really supportive and told me to go to the police and social services.
    so i did: after a couple of days social services old me it wasnt serious enough what was happening. but i told them the mental abuse has left our oldest daughter depressed and suicidal and at 10 that isnt healthy. she only has me to talk to. i dont tell her about my situation:that im locked in the house, not allowed anyone around, can answer my phone whilst she messages everyone on my contact list and facebook reguraly hoping to catch me out as i may have had an affair.
    after social services did nothing i got a call about my complaint to the police and told im best to leave it alone.
    because i had the courage and no one listend as i was a bloke i become homeless and the abuse escalated. i was better of homeless i enjoyed sleeping in alleys eventually ending in a hostel it was empowering. i found food on the floor at bus shelters which the kids had left. from a guy who once wore chistian laboutin trainers i was definateely in the deep end.

    anyway it was cold so i eventually had to go back plus i missed my kids. i had tasted freedom maybe i might have grown some balls to stand up to her a little. HAHAHA

    we had agreed no more kids some time ago. anyway one day she told me to have sex i tried to go to sleep. she got on top. i told her wait i need protection. she told me pull it out. when i was about to ejaculate i told her get off she forced herself down and continued i must have said this no less then 3/4 times. anyway it happened i rolled over praying she wouldnt get pregnant. we never had sex again for at least 6 months. she had fallen pregnant i told her i wasnt happy.but now i definatelly couldnt leave. although it might be rape or close ther about, i cant say anything as it'l fall on deaf ears once again.

    anyway the situation has only got worse and she continues to abuse our oldest daughter. our 2nd daughter who is 4 absolutely detesetes her and tell her i dont love you.
    things did improve a little and i was allowed to work with her friends husband. i saved up enough to get a car. but i was told to put it in her dads name. so i did although i paid for it and the receipt is in my name.
    often when we fight im locked out so i manage to sleep in the boot of the car. i will pull the back seats forward. the problem is she is not threatening to sell the car if she does il be back in alleys yes it was liberating as is sleping in the boot. at least in the boot of the car i have a asda smartprice duvet. but iv learnt to dress in layers just incase im given 10 seconds to get out before she cries rape or murder.

    my priority is my kids but i know social services wont do anything unless THEY can prove it. my word or even my sisters n dad who are both social workers has fallen on deaf ears. CAMHS i thought would at least interogate my daughter and get some information to find out if its true but they just de-referred her saying it was a differnt matter. id have thought a suicidal 10 year would have been a concern and least see what he says and see if she in danger. but i guess no one wants responsibility

    i really dont know what to do as the police say to me leave it its not a strong enough case as shes the woman. previously iv been suicidal but right now im trying to keep myself strong as i know if i die she wont be upset by it and the situation will only get worse. (one thing i told the police also whilst this all went on she would encourage/ tell me to commit suicide if i loved her)

    almostnothere - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Almostnothere,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how distressed you are and how much you have sought support and not found it. You are in a very abusive relationship and it takes a lot of courage to post here.

      Your wife is being extremely abusive to you, emotionally, financially and sexually. It sounds like you have reached out to many services in the hope of getting some support but have felt that you have not been listened to. What you are going through is traumatic and you have had to show real strength to try to stop what is happening. None of this is your fault and you deserve some help.

      It sounds like you have spoken about the abuse to your family and to the police as well as social services. However you have not felt supported. Have you spoken to any specialist organisations for men who are being abused? I would encourage you to call the Men’s Advice line 0808 801 0327 0808 801 0327, they are a specialist organisation who work with male victims of domestic violence. It’s a confidential helpline where you can discuss your options and get some emotional support. They are open 9-5 weekdays and may be be to point you towards some support in your local area. There is help out there for male victims, it’s just not very well publicised.

      I have put a link here to a family law charity that may be able to give you some advice about the problems you are having with social services not taking your allegations seriously or taking care of your child’s mental health.

      http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

      Have you spoken to your GP about what you are experiencing? If you are feeling suicidal it may be worth discuss with them and what you’re going through in your relationship.
      Take Care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Kat

    26/02/2014

    Hi! i was with my boyfriend for around 4 months, when one day, whilst my family were outside hosting a bbq right underneath my window, my boyfriend tried to encourage me into having sex, i didnt want to, but he began getting more frustrated the more i said no, but eventually he had 'sex' with me and as i was wearing a dress it made it easier for him, i repedtly asked him to stop, but he never until he thought a family member shouted on us! It wasnt until he left i realised how wrong what he did was, but having never had sex before i didnt let it grind me down too much, but over the next 12 months of our relationship, similar scenarios happened more and more until i eventually told him he was 'raping' me l, too which he laughed at. We split up around 6 months ago, and its affected me more than i thought it would, im very uncomfortable around guys my age now, and its affected my future relationship due to my lack of trust in not being treated the same way! my ex was very agressive and alot stronger than i am, and to this day i dont think he even realises what he did, and how harshly its affected me as a person! im not the girl i used to be, but i guess itll take time to get over!

    Kat - 26/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kat

      That sounds like a really scary situation. You clearly told him you didn't want to have sex and wanted him to stop and by carrying on he was raping you.
      I know this is really hard, and it can take a very long time to come to terms with this and feel ready for a new relationship - that is totally normal. Remember that none of this was your fault. You just need some support to cope with this.
      The best place to start is with rape crisis - they are a lovely organisation and can really help:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999

      It may also help to talk to friends or family or someone else you trust about this, you don't have to try and cope alone,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 27/02/2014

  • Luna

    25/02/2014

    My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for two years. During these years we have times (roughly once/twice a month) where he loses his temper with me over really tiny ridiculous things. There is no controlling or financial problems or anything like that, just violence. I live at home with my mum and cant let her find out or she will take him away from me. Its very jeykl and hyde..one minute he is perfect, adoring and wonderful then he snaps and I argue back an often get punched/slapped/hair pulled/kicked. I try to defend myself and often hit him back which only makes it worse. This goes on for a few minutes. He then usually verbally abuses me and leaves. As soon as he has left my house he is full of regret and remorse and hates himself. He has been to the doctor and is currently talking to the RESPECT group to get help as he says he doesnt want to hurt me. Its a real struggle because sometimes months go by and its perfect. I don't know if it will ever stop but its the only thing in the way of a perfect relationship. help :(

    Luna - 25/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Luna,
      Thank you for your message. It takes a lot of courage to admit that things in your relationship are not right and reach out for help. There is support out there, you don’t have to cope on your own with these feelings.
      From what you write it sounds like your boyfriend is being very violent with you frequently and putting you at risk. I understand that you care for him and that he is getting help, but this does not mean that it’s ok for him to treat you as he is. You don’t deserve to be abused, he is choosing to act the way he is.
      Have you spoken about this with anyone, I hear that you feel that you can’t tell your mum. But you might want to talk about what is happening with someone else. Do you have anyone in your life you trust? Friends or family or another trusted adult. If you cannot talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you support and advice and help you decide how best to keep yourself safe.
      You say that it is the only thing in the way of a perfect relationship – but it’s a very big thing. He could seriously hurt you or kill you. The number above will be able to listen to you and discuss with your feelings and maybe some ways in which you can keep yourself safe in your relationship.
      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you want to discuss this more with one of our advisors.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 27/02/2014

  • Abby

    25/02/2014

    Hello, I just wanted to say my first and only love, totally got my trust etc, then as we moved in together, started putting knifes to me, slashing he's wrists smeering blood all over my face saying he hopes i remember this for the rest of my life, running into the toilets locking it for dear life while it stabbed it in with a sword, he was a psycho, i really loved he's nice side, and i always will..he'd cook for me, run me baths, buy me flowers, cuddle me all night every night, always take me out, etc, I just wish he was nasty from the beginning because I will always feel so strongly for him because it is my first love, I still cry about him, no matter how much i triedto escape no matter how much he'd strangle me, throw me outside the house naked, spit on me etc, I would still fall for that smile. I would still believe he'd never do it again; or I'd still love to believe it. I left last new year when he kept holding me hostage, so I thought the only way to break it off without getting messed up would be infront of he's mum... I still cry, because I really wish i would of left on better terms, it still haunts me that he'd laugh at putting knifes to me, making me sit in a corner in glass and slapping me up and all he's guy friends doing nothing about it... I love him, but ill hate what he done, I know I had a lucky escape, but my soul still crys.. ill be moving back to london soon, and I might have to see him. the last thing he said was he was going to kill me. he's got a girlfriend now, I feel sorry for her. I wish I never wasted such strong love , on such a wrong thug. now I find myself too generous to people, because I would never want all the stuff thats happened to me, to happen to them, but they'll never no, and when I try open up to men they'll never understand. I always get fear from love n run. I wish the right one will make me stay oneday, instead of that wrong one. I hope ill find love better, call me crazy, but the beginning was too beautiful, being thrown around the beach, being chased, thrown into a bath, having dinner with he's family.. but then now I always look out for how close men are to there mothers, she really messed him up. we'd be at the dinner table, and she'd smack him one over the chops and he'd whack he's head so hard on the wall I'd be gobsmacked in disgust, and I said 'ur mum just full blown hit u and u done nothing? ' and he laughed and said.. thats my mum, she can bring me in this world, she can take me out. and I said, im your girlfriend... the one you love, doesn't count for much does it. just be sooo careful ladies, because it still pains me and I hope i find a real man that understands me. if not I am happy with my dog alone forever.. I'd just love to be able tobelieve in a man being my gentlemen. -abs x

    Abby - 25/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Abs,
      Thank you for your message and sharing your story. You were in an extremely abusive relationship and I can hear how much this has effected you. You showed great courage and strength to get out of that relationship. It also shows strength to share your story with people reading the site
      What happened to you was very serious, your ex treated you in ways that were a risk to your life and to your wellbeing. I hear that you are still finding it hard to come to terms with the abuse and the two sides of his character. Have you discussed what happened to you with any professional services, such as counsellors or a helpline? If not this website (www.womensaid.org.uk) is a good place to start looking for support. It sounds like you have a lot you need to express about your feelings and the way you were treated.
      Thank you again for sharing your story,
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 27/02/2014

  • Sally

    25/02/2014

    I have a friend who's been in a relationship with a guy for a year or two. they're now engaged.
    they live together with they're 1 and a half year old son, and she's now pregnant with another baby girl.
    me and my friends have always thought he does not treat her right. i don't believe he is physically abusing her. but definitely emotionally. he puts her down, and he's controlling, even infront of us. we once saw him go through her handbag and diary while she was in the toilet when we were out. several of her friends including me have told her he's no good but she won't listen. i think she feels trapped and like (now more than ever) she can't leave him because of the kids/engagement. recently he's been posting relationship milestones, (they're engagement, the new baby, and the new baby's name) on facebook before telling her mum or her family. he does this not by mistake but gets annoyed at those questioning it, he ignores their importance and i think he's trying to muscle them out, to make her even more dependent on him. he's always been very controlling, and lies to her about things. i feel if i were to talk about it with her now that she'd tell him and he'd turn her against us. or if action were taken she might lose the kids. i've told her so many times that the way he treats her isn't right and that she doesn't have to stay with him. but she won't listen and i don't know what to do anymore.

    Sally - 25/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Sally,
      Thanks for your message. It sounds as though you’re in a really difficult position at the moment. It definitely seems as though there is a lot of control in this relationship as well as lack of trust for him to look through be belongings. Victims of domestic abuse can often feel trapped and their self-esteem can be so low that they think they there is nothing they can do and the thought of leaving is to frightening.
      It is important that you and her family continue to offer support and to be there for her and not force her into making any decisions or complain about her partner because like you say this could lead to him have more control over her by isolating her from her friends and family. You have already spoken in the past to her but you could try again and advise her that she can contact www.womensaid.org.uk for more information and advice.
      We have live chat sessions Mon-Fri 5-7pm if either of you wanted to talk.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 25/02/2014

  • anonymous

    24/02/2014

    I wasn't coping very well with my uncle's recent death,i was taking my anger out on my boyfriend so we had a break,that night I needed a friend to talk to,i went round to a family friend,he meant the world to us all. there has been an accusation that he had raped a 13 year old whom I knew,but him being a family friend for so long,we denied that he would do such a thing,we didn't want him to feel like we didn't believe him. when I went round,i spoke to him about how I was feeling,then he put my favourite film on,and we just lay ontop of his bed and just chilled out and watched it,he started making moves but everytime I pushed him away, he came back for more and just wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. I blacked out a lot,but I tend to do that when I get quite stressed. all I can remember is him not listening to me,coming out off a black out and my trousers were on the floor . he kept telling me he had always wanted to do it,that he couldn't help himself,he knew I am only 15,hes 20. I didn't know if it was rape,it haunted me for a week,i told my immediate family,and straight away they told me it was rape. rape? I had knew about rape, but never knew what it felt like, physically or emotionally. I have gone to the police,but because off the whole process they have to go through,its taking so long. I thought I would cope,ive previously suffered from depression,high anxiety, attempted suicide ,self harming and bulimia. with all this going on,i feel dirty,i feel like I shouldn't be on this earth. Because he only lives round the corner, from my mothers, ive practically been forced out of my own home,the house is up for sale and currently living with my father,im too scared to even go to see my mother. I know I need help,my anger is terrible,nightmares are keeping me up,its ruined me so much,i want to be able to get on with my life with my long term boyfriend and do the things ive always wanted to do without this haunting me to my death.

    anonymous - 24/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anonymous,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how much you this has effected you and how hard it must have been to write all that down. It takes great courage to post here, you have been really strong. You don’t have to cope on your own with what you are going through, there is help out there.
      All the things you describe feeling in your message are really difficult emotions and are all very common reactions to being raped. You went through something extremely traumatic and you have had to move out of your house because of the risk of seeing him. That’s horrible for you, as what happened was not your fault and yet it might feel like you are the one that is being punished, because it’s your life that has been so badly affected.

      By the sounds of what you write you have been able to tell your family and friends and have gone to the police. It shows a lot of strength to report and rape, the process does take a long time and in a way may make things seem harder, as until there is a trial things cannot be dealt with properly.

      While all this is happening are you getting any support? If not I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis -They are confidential helpline and who work with women and girls who have experienced sexual violence. They will be able to talk with you about your experience and how this is affecting you. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm). The helpline is strictly confidential and they will understand all things you describe in your message.

      They may also be able to give you advice about what support may be available to you in your local area to support you through the legal process. I don’t know if you have spoken to an ISVA already, but if not you may be able to. I have put some information in a link below you may want to have a look at.

      http://www.hamptontrust.org.uk/our-programmes/isva/what-involved/

      Your feelings at the moment of being dirty and wanting to die and the flashbacks you are having are very serious. Have you spoken to your GP about them? You deserve to be supported right now to help you recover from the rape. Below are some links to look at. They may be a bit overwhelming if you read them all at once, so give yourself time to look at them where you are somewhere you feel safe.

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_rapeAndTheEffectsOfRape.pdf

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_postTraumaticStressDisorder.pdf

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_copingWithFlashbacks_forSurvivors.pdf

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_selfHarmAndSelfInjury.pdf

      If you would like some more support please contact us on live chat weeknights 5-7. You have been so strong coping with this on your own, you might now need someone to talk to.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 27/02/2014

  • Lucy

    24/02/2014

    My ex boyfriend would always hit me if I didn't listen to him or he would embarrass me in public. But I left him because my friends told me it was wrong and that he shouldn't be correcting me in that way. :) leaving Alfie is one of the best things in my life. I have a new boyfriend but it doesn't feel like love.. i mean we talk and that.. I've always loved him.. how do I know if he's cheating on me? Because there's a girl that always tries to interfere with our relationship & we used to e mates until I was in a relationship .. now we barely talk...All i know is that she doesn't want me in a relationship with that particular boy because she like's him. How can i prevent this from happening? we've been going out for quite a few months now and she's been getting in the way ever since. :(

    Lucy - 24/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lucy,

      Thanks for your message. Its sounds like you have a really good support network of people around you who have helped and supported in your past relationship. However it seems though your feeling very insecure about your new relationship, has your new partner given you any reason to suspect him cheating? Just because this girl is unhappy with your relationship doesn’t necessarily mean your partner is unhappy so he will cheat.

      I suggest you speak to your boyfriend about how you are feeling. Having a healthy relationship with someone means being able to be honest and feel loved, it also means that you trust each other. I would also recommend you contact www.womensaid.org.uk who can give you advice and support on the effects your previous relationship has had on you, as this could be your reason for feeling insecure.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 26/02/2014

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