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This is ABUSE

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Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships

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An expert from Young People’s Services – AVA – is reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 210 - 225 of 2146

  • Grace

    12/03/2014

    I was in a mentally abusive relationship for a year. It resulted in me trying to take my own life as I just couldn't see a way out, or any future for myself. I suffered the abuse from him daily whether it was in person or via texts. At the time I'd make excuses for him and even defend him, as I genuinely believed it was me that was the problem. I figured I deserved to be treated like that. I frequently found myself sitting, crying and having the most vile poisonous insults thrown at me. It sounds ridiculous but often I just wished he physically lash out at me and then walk away, rather than just drag out the verbal abuse day after day.
    That was over a year ago now. I've blocked him at all possible sources and have had so much help from a mental health team. I can now say the words "I wasn't the problem! HE was the problem!". On occasion he'll send an insulting text but its died out a lot. I'm so much stronger now, his words don't affect me at all anymore, it's a powerful feeling. There's still a lot of work for me to do to get fully well but I'm persevering with it. I NEVER want to be in that place again. My ambition now is to try and help other victims of domestic abuse. No one should ever have to go through it!

    Grace - 12/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Grace,
      Thank you for sharing your story. I’m saddened to hear that you felt so low that you didn’t think there was any other way out other than suicide. Many victims who experience emotional abuse go on to have some form of mental health issue due to the tactics their abusers have used to control them. I’m glad to hear that you found the right support you needed and that you had the strength to cut ties with your abuser.
      Abuse is never the victims fault and for anyone who needs advice and support I would recommend they contact www.womensaid.org.uk or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 13/03/2014

  • lucy jenkins

    12/03/2014

    I've been in a relationship for 2 years now and we have a baby together. Since being pregnant things changed. My boyfriend would call me ugly and fat and when he would get angry he would either throw me to the floor, push my head down into a quilt and other stuff. He claims he does it all because of me. He says I moan a lot and that's what makes him do the things he does. We argued the other day unfortunately in front of our little boy and he almost threw me into him. I want to be with him as we have a family but I just can't put up with this anymore. If its not physical abuse its always verbal abuse

    lucy jenkins - 12/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lucy,
      Thanks for your message. It is very common for domestic abuse to start during pregnancies this is mainly due to your attention been taken away from the them and focusing on yourself and your unborn child. Abusers tend to start off with emotional abuse in order to make us feel worthless which really affects our self-esteem. I’m worried to her that your son had witnessed this abuse and if he continues to see you being abused it can have damaging effects on this physical and emotional development.
      I would suggest you contact your local domestic abuse service or contact www.womensaid.org.uk for advice and support. You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 13/03/2014

  • SA

    11/03/2014

    Last year I was in a relationship with a guy that constantly upset me and made me feel worthless and small, to which now I realise, was so that I would be too weak to reject him when he wanted to have sex, he said I was stupid and frigid for not wanting to when I said I didn't want to. Only a few people know and I really struggle with it sometimes, I left the relationship eventually but he still tries to make me feel horrible even now and unfortunately I have to see him nearly every day. I'm still at school and just trying to finish my last year or so. Just feeling really low still. I'm constantly thinking if I have made a mistake to not press charges.

    SA - 11/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi,
      Thanks for your message. Many people who abuse us will start with emotional abuse making us feel worthless like you say. Everyone has the right to say no to sex and should not feel forced into anything that they don’t want to do. Legally you have to be 16 years to have sex. I would recommend you contacting www.rapecrisis.org.uk or call the national helpline 0808 802 9999 who can offer advice and support to victims including specific advice for under 18’s.
      We offer live chat sessions Mon-Fri 5-7pm if you want to come and chat.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 12/03/2014

  • Sarah

    11/03/2014

    I really love my boyfriend. He has a temper at times and gets inside my head and can make me feel stupid and worthless. :( I'm so sad because I love him completely. The other night we argued and I know I'm not innocent and can say things I know gets him annoyed but he said he wanted to kill me and punch my face, head but me and kill me. He doesn't mean it but I'm scared of him. He does physically hurt me but not often. I really love him but I'm scared of him and I don't want to be scared of him. :(

    Sarah - 11/03/2014

    Reply
    • Thanks for your message. Your partner is very abusive towards you both emotionally and physically. No one has the right to treat someone this way and please do not blame yourself for your partners actions. Domestic abuse is NEVER the victims fault even though many victims often blame themselves and say that they push their partners buttons. I know that it can be very difficult and confusing to work out why someone we love is hurting us and what it is we should do.
      I would recommend you contacting www.womensaid.org.uk or call them on their freephone number 0808 2000 247. We also have live chat session Mon-Fri 5-7pm.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 12/03/2014

  • Rose

    11/03/2014

    I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and last weekend he had quite a lot to drink. When we got back home (we planned to have a nice night in watching films with a takeaway even though he'd been drinking all day) he practically fell straight to sleep which had annoyed me a lot. Then a few hours later he sprawled across the bed, and my typical reaction was just to push him off telling him to move over as he was squashing me, but then he was forcing his body down so I couldn't move him off me so I said to him "Can you get off?", I was still struggling to get him off me as it was really uncomfortable and he just sat up and started repeatedly punching me. He was doing it so much it got to the point where I had to scream to get him off me. When I ran up off the bed, he just turned over and went to sleep as if nothing happened. At the moment he is being the dream boyfriend, continuously telling me he's sorry and that he loves me, although I know everyone will ask - how can he do that to you if he loves you? The only thing that's stopping me walking away is he has never done this in the three years we have been together and he was very drunk, and the fact he just turned over and went to sleep after makes it obvious to me he was in a different state of mind. I haven't really written on here for advice, I just felt like I needed to tell someone anonymous, because I keep looking at the bruises on my arm and it reminds me of it constantly. This subject is forever on my mind since it happened, and I don't want to leave him but I want to make it very clear to him I don't want it to happen again.

    Rose - 11/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Rose,
      Thanks for your message. Alcohol is never a reason for someone’s actions it is an excuse, how many people did your partner come into contact while he was out? Did he attack any of those? Chance is that he didn’t therefore why wait till he came home to you? It sounds as though this incident has really shaken you and I know that you don’t want to end the relationship but I would recommend you looking at www.womensaid.org.uk where you will find information.
      I would also suggest that you speak with your partner again if its safe to do so and make it clear how his behaviour has effected you. Your partner might want to think about seeking some support for himself.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 12/03/2014

  • NW

    11/03/2014

    Hey everyone,
    I have previously wrote on here under the name ?
    At the time I was stuck in a abusive,mentally and physical relationship at the time I was finding a way out I turned to this is abuse for help, it took me a few months but I built up enough courage to get out of it and I have been free of my ex since October last year I feel a weight has been lifted and I can now be myself.

    I spent three years with my "ex" from the age of 15, he was 17 first year everything seemed fine to me, I was blinded but there was the odd you can't do that. The next two years were the worse, I was unable to see or talk to my friends, I wasn't allowed to family parties just incase there was boys there, I wasn't allowed to work with any boys being in my work that was something had to do as I was a team leader managing groups of people, I head to tell him every boy I worked with , he had my facebook password, email password and constantly checked my phone, if anything didn't go his way I would be in the receiving end of his fist, if a boy inboxed me I would get grabbed up against the wall by my neck , he would spit at me. The final straw was the punch in my face and him telling me I couldn't go out with my mum for my birthday. All this time I spent with him I wasn't allowed out, but he was he had three different social networking sites all secret to me, constantly talking to girls. He would call me a cheating fat slag if I said I. Can't take it no more he said he would tell my dad I sleep around and that real reason we broke up! He said he change but people like him never do ! He manipulated me into something that wasn't me .i was so alone unable to tell my family how bad he had got because they would hate me and I wasn't strong enough to leave, this is abuse helped me read others that was going through similar situations and made me realise that what he was doing was so wrong I didn't deserve it, it's knowing when your ready and strong enough to leave.

    NW - 11/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi NW

      It is great to hear from you again. I am so pleased to hear that you managed to safely leave such an abusive relationship and that the site helped you to do that. Reading through other people's posts on here can help you to realise you are not alone and that there is help and support out here.

      I hope that you are feeling ok now, if you do ever need it you know that you can access support anytime, as sometimes the impact of abuse can last a long time and affect us in ways we may not expect. The help pages on here will give you ideas of how to get help should you need it,

      thank you for sharing your story,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 11/03/2014

  • Lucy Richards

    10/03/2014

    i have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. we have a one year old together.
    he wont let me go anywhere that involves men. he never has i just stupidly chose to stay with him,just thinking it was a phase but it still happens now. i am not allowed to wear what he calls revealing clothes,i am already dreading summer. he forces me to have sex with him just,if i say no he shouts at me all night telling me what a crap girlfriend i am so i give in just keep the peace.
    i have hit him when my baby was very young because if a built up of frustration but have not since. he said he will hurtt a member of my family if i end it

    Lucy Richards - 10/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lucy,
      Thanks for getting in touch. I’m sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. Your relationship is emotionally and sexually abusive. Many people think that if they are in a relationship then they should never say no to sex. This is not true, everyone has the right to say no to sex even if it’s with our partner and if we are forced into having sex then this is rape.
      Leaving an abusive relationship is very hard for victims to do and more so when there is children involved. However there are services who can offer advice and support such as www.womensaid.org.uk or you can contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (freephone 24hrs).
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 11/03/2014

  • Laura

    10/03/2014

    I have been in a relationship for 9 years. We got engaged last year although we haven't started planning yet. My partner can have a short temper and will often get cross with me for little things. Until now I have put up with it because I dislike confrontation. I have always had low self-esteem and used to be incredibly shy, and still can be a bit of a doormat- he will get angry because I don't stand up to friends and because of how I let my family take advantage. I thought was fine because I can see that it upsets him when people treat me badly and it shows he cares about me. The other night after we had both been drinking we got into an argument over family matters and he got incredibly angry with me, calling me names. We had friends staying so I couldn't simply leave the room and we are living abroad so I have nowhere else to go. This outburst scared me - although he wasn't really physically aggressive I felt scared, and got so upset that I had a panic attack. This seemed to make him realise what he was doing and he was then very upset and becoming increasingly distraught, trying to calm me down and saying how sorry he is and ashamed of himself. At the time (it was very late and we had been drinking) I did eventually calm down from hyperventilating and he seemed genuinely shocked at his actions. He was even more upset when I said I thought he was going to hurt me, and broke down. Now I don't know what to do because I love him and he has never been like this before, it is very out of character but I worry that it will happen again and I should have seen it coming (if it did happen again I would leave and I have said this quite categorically). I'm feeling confused because I'm not sure what to do- on one hand I know that it is not normal for him to be like this and alcohol was a factor. On another, I know that a person has to have the capacity for this kind of behaviour and therefore alcohol is no reason for it. And in the back of my mind is remembering actual abuse victims stories and how often they say that it begun in this way and they should have seen it before. And then I feel terrible to be thinking about my partner in this way and am I being unreasonable? He is a wonderful partner most of the time and before this incident I couldn't wait to marry him. Now I have a little voice in my head saying he can't be trusted.

    Laura - 10/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Laura,
      Thanks for your message. It seems as though you have not felt comfortable speaking out about your partner’s behaviour and have minimised this as him having a short temper, yet this is the very same thing your partner gets angry with you over for you not standing up to family and friends. Therefore he should recognise his behaviour as being unhealthy and hurtful towards you. Alcohol is never an excuse when it comes to domestic abuse no matter if you had also been drinking.
      Many abusive relationships start off with verbal or emotional abuse which can really affect ort self-esteem and over time it is highly likely that this abuse will escalate into physical abuse. There are times when abusers will be the perfect partner and make us feel special however this never lasts and they often change back into the old controlling ways. The fact that your felt scared and your reaction resulted in a panic attack is really worrying and I suggest that you contact www.womensaid.org.uk or contact the National Domestic Helpline 0808 2000 247 who will be able to offer you advice and support.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 11/03/2014

  • kash

    10/03/2014

    Married someone who had been abused at the age of 16-25. His abuser befriended his whole family including me (the wife). If you ever saw her you would never imagine her doing anything bad. She blackmailed him, and would not let him get married or have a relationship, yet she herself was married, had 2 kids and in the the eyes of the world led a very normal life.

    We got married (arranged) and she'd come round and dress like me to get him back. He turned to drink, drugs, and took it all out on me. He wanted sex 4/5 times a day and drove me crazy. He didn't tell me until we split up.

    What worries me now is that this lady is working in a primary school somewhere? I know where she lives, and she needs help? He needs help too. Where do we go?

    kash - 10/03/2014

    Reply

    • Hi Kash,

      Thanks for getting in touch. I’m sorry to hear that you’re ex partner has experienced such abuse. Many people think that abuse can only happen to women but males can also be victims and be effected just the same. Domestic abuse is traumatic to deal with and for many males they feel isolated and unaware of any support services available to them. You need to continue to offer your support and your ex-partner needs to make the decisions in what he feels he should do.
      I would suggest your ex-partner contact www.mensadviceline.org.uk who will be able to offer him advice and support.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 11/03/2014

  • Kadie

    10/03/2014

    Hello,
    So a few weeks back I went on a date, and we decided to go back to his house and I did consent to sex. I know what Sexual abuse/rape is because I've experienced it before but this is a little different and I'd like some advice please.

    Anyway, He was very aggressive though sex and after a while I became very tender, and at some point I asked him to stop. He said he was nearly done, and despite my cries in pain he carried on, I asked him to stop a few times more before I had to call out in a semi aggressive tone "Please stop right now its really hurting!!". At that point he did stop. I just got dressed and went to bed (as I was staying at his that night). I'm curious as to where this is within the rape/sexual abuse or over sensitivity of me? I've not discussed it with anyone. I did say to him afterwards I felt a little pressured to have sex despite consenting, because the minute we entered his room he literally pushed me onto the bed and put all of his weight on top of me. I told him the next day by text I felt pressured and he disregarded it, he didn't seem to be bothered by it, but in the same respect we haven't spoken since and he found any excuse to avoid me.
    It really has weighed heavily on my mind, and it isnt like I can take or would want to take any legal action through this incident, I would just like to know someone elses/other peoples opinions please... Thank you.

    Kadie - 10/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kadie,
      Thanks for your message. I understand that you gave your consent but it sounds as though you felt very pressured to do so as he seemed to leave you with no choice. Everyone has the right to say no to sex even during sex we should feel able to say no at any point but by you having to repeat this a number of times means that he was not respecting your wishes.
      I would recommend you contact www.rapecrisis.org.uk or contact the national helpline 0808 802 9999 they can offer advice and support.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 11/03/2014

  • alice

    09/03/2014

    Heya my boyfriend got accused of rape by a girl when we first got into a relationship a huge police investigation went out but after 5 months they dropped the case because the girl didn;t come out and tell anyone for 4 months so there was to DNA nothing and he broke down in the police station and for his health because his brother just died they decided there was no point keeping the case open but as are relationship went on i realised he was capable of it when i use to watch tv at his house he use to pull my trousers down and say awe baby it will be fine and i use to say no like 10 times and he use to carry on trying putting me threw pain cause i'm a virgin he hit me once but it was because i excidently hurt him first we never had sex but is it classed as abuse

    alice - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Alice,
      Thanks for your message. Everyone has the right to say no to have sex and you should never feel any pressure to do anything you don’t want to do. Sex without a person giving their consent is rape, no matter if you are in a relationship or not. Your partner should respect your wishes and wait until you feel ready. Having sex comes with consequences such as pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Your partner sounds abusive and I suggest that you contact www.rapecrisis.org.uk they offer support and information and specific advice for people under 18.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team - 11/03/2014

  • Tara

    09/03/2014

    I had a boyfriend for 3 years. I was 13 and he 18 when we first had sex but I wasn't ready. I didn't tell him because I thought that's what people who love each other do. Since then every time we had sex, he was repulsive to me I didn't want to but I didn't tell him a thing. He was very obsessive calling me at least 20 times a day, wanting to spend all my free time with him. He once took a picture of me naked, I was confused but still didn't say a thing. I just trusted him. He forbid me to meet up with all my friends and back then I listened to him. He never yelled at me or hit me, he was jealous very often but that was it. In the end for 3 years I grew up and it hit me, this is not a normal relationship in which the girl doesn't want to be touched at all by the boy and I put an end to it. I am not sure if this is exactly an abuse. I believe we both have guilt.

    Tara - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Tara,

      Thanks for sharing your experience, it sounds like it was really tough for you to come forward and talk about this.

      The way that your partner behaved was completely unacceptable, whether you gave consent or not, being under the age of sixteen your partner's actions are considered as rape. This would be even more so because he was 18 and would be seen as having the capacity to gage that this was wrong.

      Although he didn't use any physical violence, it sounds like there was abuse taking place and this is evident in the isolation that you felt when he stopped you seeing your friends.

      I think it would be really helpful for you to talk to someone a little more about what has happened, as well as your current situation. It would be really helpful to have some more details from you. If you would like to talk about the sexual acts then you can call Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999. Alternatively, you can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can also talk to us on our live chat service, which runs Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm.

      I want you to be aware that there are lots of options available for you, and lots of services that will offer you support. However, these are your choices to make, and nobody is going to force you to do anything that you do not want to do.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 10/03/2014

  • Katie

    09/03/2014

    So last summer I met this guy, he was my age and a friend of friends. We really close over summer and would meet up etc. I soon met all his main mates and he met mine, they seemed alright. Then stuff happened on snapchat. I regret it now but know he hasn't still got them because I have seen his phone.
    We carried on talking for a while but then he would be distant. We stopped talking and now he only talks to me when he wants photos or to meet my friends. I don't snapchat him anymore and don't go see him but if I see him around its hard, I put my head down and walk away. I have no self confidence and I find it really hard to talk to people now. I can't help but block people out I always have my wall up cause of him. he used me for photos and would sweet talk me and use stuff I told him against me to try and get them. I just feel lost within who I am and don't see me having much of a future. I just wondered is this abuse?

    Katie - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Katie

      Thank you for your message. That does sound like an abusive situation where he was manipulating you to get the photos and if you did not want to would then use things you had told him to get you to do what he wanted. This is abusive and not ok. If you are under 18 it is also illegal to have those images.

      Have you told anyone about what happened?
      I think it is best to block him online and to not give in to any of his requests for photos or to meet up.
      There is some info and advice on these sites that might help:

      http://www.childline.org.uk/explore/onlinesafety/pages/sexting.aspx

      http://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/14_plus/Need-advice/

      I understand that you now feel lost and have lost your confidence. That is normal after what you have been through. It will really help to talk things through with someone, maybe someone at school that you trust? Or you can also call childline who speak to lots of people who have been through something similar. We also have a live chat here every mon-fri between 5 and 7pm.

      It may also be an idea to get some counselling which your GP can refer you to. You don't need to tell the GP all the details.

      Try not to think that this will ruin your future, it seems like he has deleted the images and hopefully no one else has seen them. It may feel hard to trust people in the future and while it is good to be wary, most boys will not treat you like this. The sites above also have info on what to do if anything like this happens again and how to cope with the pressure.

      This was not your fault, he pressured you and manipulated you. It's good that you are looking for support now so that you can rebuild your life and try to move on from this,
      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • CHRISTINE

    09/03/2014

    I have just finished a 7months relationship,
    I always thought he would change but it never did!
    I was kept in my home like a prisoner towards the end.. Any txt phone call he would check. I couldnt go shopping on my own or even join slimming world, When i tried to finish he would always have a knife by his wrist throat..
    He threatened to come to the house with hammer and machettee cause we finished. He has a restraining order and bail to stay away from me. so happy ive got my life back.. Just 7months being with him was a nightmare!!

    CHRISTINE - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Christine,

      Thanks for sharing your experience, it sounds like it was really dangerous and must have been very scary for you.

      I'm really glad you followed through with the justice system and that there are legal sanctions in place to keep you safe at the moment. Something to consider is what is in place to address your emotional wellbeing. If you feel like you need additional support then plase do contact the national helpline on 0808 8000 247. they will be able to tell you what services are available in your area.

      I'm really glad that you are out of the relationship, and really hope there is support in place for you.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

  • Kim

    09/03/2014

    In October I was to find out that my husband of 6.5 years had used me for an immigration marriage fraud...he had presented as a widower with three children. When in fact he was very much married and has 5 children. Two born after I married him. To understand the total deception and lies every single day. To know that he was having sex with his other wife...it defies belief. He left me having obtained his UK Citizenship and clearing out my bank account. I feel emotionally, physically and financially raped. This is bigamy...and I now count 5 wives in total between 2002 and 2007. Who knows what the status of these marriages are! So am I alone..........no....through Stop UK Marriage Fraud I have heard many similar stories. Should those involved in this sort of crime be identified and listed....without doubt yes but unfortunately many of these crimes are reported to UKBA who does not have the systems and processes in place to work with the Police. These abusers just go on to target other men and women.

    Kim - 09/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Kim,

      Thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds like an awful situation, and I am really glad you have found an agency to support you at this time. However, if you would like to talk to us about this a little bit more then you are welcome to join us on our Live Chat function that is running Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm,

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 09/03/2014

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Results: 210 - 225 of 2146

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