HAVE YOUR SAY
Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships
If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board.
The chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.
Seen the ads? What do you think?
-
Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?
-
-
-
-
Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
-
Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
-
Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?
-
Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?
-
Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you've got something to say about abuse in relationships then you'll need to accept our terms before you can take part - please see our rules on the right side of the page. You can then enter your comments below or under any video you want to talk about.
Celine
20/02/2013
I made the mistake of getting together with one on my male flatmates at the beginning of university.
For a couple of months we have been seeing each other but not officially an item. In these few months he has verbally abused me everyday, had huge rows, he constantly checks my phone and facebook. And on the odd occasion tried to persuade me to have sex with him, I'm a virgin so I'm convinced to have it with someone I really like for the first time so I've never gone through with it.
He continues to act flirty and sexual even when I ask him to stop, I've tried to stop any sort of interaction but naturally living together makes it hard and he say's no I'm being silly.
He's very manipulative and persuasive. A couple of times he has physically grabbed me to not leave during an argument and hurt me a couple of times (playfully apparently).
This evening I saw an advert that was showing a abusive relationship and was surprised as to how similar it is to me and him. And recently I've seen the impact our relationship has had on me. Anyway tonight I mentioned to him that the way he acts is abusive, he turned around and laughed and said that it was me that acted like that too and that I was a hypocrite.
That then led to me accepting that I may be part to blame too. Then I said I think we have an abusive relationship and need to sort it out he then laughed uncontrollably... then saying I've had two large rum and cokes. I had nothing more to say and asked him numeral times to leave my room. Eventually he did.
I don't know what to do or who to talk to ... my friends are exhausted with the situation and I don't know what to do. Is this abuse? I don't know if it is and what to do?
Celine - 20/02/2013
ReplyHi Celine,
Thanks very much for your message.
In answer to your question, yes, what you've been experiencing is emotional and physical abuse. Please understand it's not your fault, you are not to blame.
Abuse is wrong and never okay. Emotional abuse can damage your confidence and your self-worth; signs can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do. Physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.
Please also understand that being forced or pressured to have sex or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with is totally unacceptable. We think you need to speak to someone you trust about your experiences - it could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.
And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge), they will be able to provide support and guidance on all aspects of dometic violence, including the forms of abuse you have been experiencing.
Javier
19/02/2013
Hi
I have a question.
Under the "Rape/Sexual Assault" section in the "Am I Abusive" section (http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/am-i-abusive/view/rape-sexual-assult) The definition states that "Rape is when a man forces his penis into the vagina, anus or mouth of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'."
So if a woman was to have sex with someone without their consent, would that still be classed as rape?
Javier - 19/02/2013
ReplyHI Javier
Thanks for getting in touch.
The law says that rape can only be committed by a man as for the offence to be committed there must be intentional penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus of another person with a penis.
A woman can be convicted of sexual assault, which includes other sexual acts (e.g. intentional penetration of the vagina or anus of another person with a part of her body or an object). Both rape and sexual assault are crimes and can result in imprisonment.
You can read more about rape and sexual assault here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assult
Molly
18/02/2013
I was in a relationship last year, he forced me to have sex on two occasions, I was forced to the floor, cried the whole time we did it, as soon as he had finished I asked to borrow his phone to phone my dad, he wouldn't allow me to. It was horrible. I then met up with this guy near to where I live, we was having a cigarette when he pulled me into a bush and started kissing me, I didn't feel comfortable with this but when he pushed me to the floor and started humping me this is when I lost it!
I'm 18 and need some advice
Molly - 18/02/2013
ReplyHi Molly,
Thank you for your message.
We are so sorry to hear about this distressing incident from your past. We think it is really important that even though this may have happened some time ago, you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape. It is a crime and should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk A close friend or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
.
You can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm
If you have been sexually assaulted you can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
Martin
18/02/2013
Hi,
A friend of mine has been beaten several times by her partner, been constantly verbally abused and persecuted, had HER house which they shared smashed up by him, he always blames it on either drink or it's her fault, shows all classic traits of a control freak.
I have told her time and time again to not let him anywhere near her and to tell the police but she says he blackmails her by threatening to send they're private sexy texts to her children and her ex partner (the childrens father), he has also made her do things sexually that she felt was degrading and humiliating, he has also tried to isolate her.
I've been there for her to listen to her and advise her but although I've told her she needs to be strong and face up to him, break the cycle and take the control away from him I feel she is too scared of him and I'd like to know how I can help her further or put her in touch with someone who can help her?
Martin - 18/02/2013
ReplyHi Martin, thanks for your post.
If you think you have spotted some of the warning signs of abuse in your friend’s relationship, they may need professional help and your encouragement and support to help to stop it. If you want more information on the signs visit this page of the website - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/spot-the-signs.
Tell your friend you are worried about them and let them know that the abuse is not their fault, it’s unacceptable and that support is available.
It can be useful to think up a code word that they can use on the phone to let you know they need help. When you try to talk to them, try to make them feel at ease as it takes courage to admit abuse. Encourage them to talk to a trusted adult, and if their partner has been violent or has forced them to have sex, encourage them to talk to the police. You shouldn't confront their partner on your own and neither should your friend. If they decide to leave their relationship, it’s very important they do so safely. More information and advice can be found here - http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/59-difficult-to-leave.html.
They can also call Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for further support.
If your friend wants to speak to someone in confidence encourage them to contact the 24 hour, National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or if they’re under 18, they can speak to ChildLine on 0800 11 11 or visit www.childline.org.uk where they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Suzann
18/02/2013
Me and my current boyfriend are going out for two years and i love him dearly but we hit each other very rarely and am not sure if we should make it serious with something like marriage or cut our loses and remember the good times... Aged 18 needing advice
Suzann - 18/02/2013
ReplyHi Suzann,
Thanks for your recent message.
In answer to your question, alot depends on how you feel about the situation you're talking about.
Abuse is wrong and never okay. If you’re suffering from physical abuse, and signs can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour, it’s important to try and find someone you trust to talk to and discuss it further.
If you are concerned that it may escalate you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
You can also hear from a survivor of domestic violence here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7a8fsrPEaYQ&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=3&feature=plcp
Martina
18/02/2013
As a former victim of abuse, and someone who is happily married to a non abusive partner now, I'd just like to point out a few things. The videos tend to show the girls as weak and the boys as threatening, whereas abuse can be much more manipulative than this. You can believe you're the strongest in the relationship, and that you stand up for yourself, yet an abusive partner will find ways to control you gradually. Such as checking your phone and saying it's only because they want to be involved in your life, accusing you of flirting with his friends, but claiming it's simply because they're scared of losing you, not wanting you to go out on a girls night but claiming its because they'll miss you too much, pestering for sex because they "just want to show you how much they love you the natural way" until they're hitting, then begging for forgiveness promising it will never happen again. I work a lot with people in abusive relationships, I'm a journalist and an agony aunt and I just wanted to make it clear that sometimes, the signs aren't as obvious as in these videos, sometimes you really believe that he'd crumble without you and so make excuses again and again until one day you look around, realise you daren't look at David Beckham on the TV, you don't lift your head when accepting the big Mac from the cute guy behind the counter in McDonalds, you've not seen your girlfriends for months and every waking moment is spent just making sure he's in a good mood. be careful and if you need to talk, get in touch.
Martina - 18/02/2013
Replynazrah
18/02/2013
im 17years old and iv been in a relationship with this boy for nearly 3years hes 21years old,at first things were nic ehe would treat me right and pamper me and love me,on our fourth link he slapped me,9months later he told me he was married but he doesnt want to be with her and that he loves me,he went to prison 2years down the relationship he was in prison for 5months,i used to write letters to him,he came out and he had changed from good to bad,he started to call em a slag and slut and make me upset and he would depend on me for money,he got me drinking alcohol and smoking,i lost nearly all my friends becasue of him,he didnt wany me having a mobile phone,he didnt want me spending time with my family he wanted me to see him all the time.he swore at my parents and upset my little sister,he sold my gold chain,i tried to commit suicide beacsue of him,he would control me and try and emotionally abuse me,saying if you dont do this then i know you dont love me or trust me,so then i would listen to him,he stole money from me and denied it,he said he wants to marry me but now i know hes lying and i dont know how to forget everything,and i dont know if when he tells me he loves me whether it is true or not.
any help or comments i would reaaly appreciate from you.thank you
nazrah - 18/02/2013
ReplyHi Nazrah,
Thanks for your post, we're very sorry to hear about your boyfriend's abusive behaviour.
Abuse should never be tolerated, we think you should talk to someone about what's been happening, especially if you're suicidal.
If you are feeling particularly distressed please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. There are people who understand, and who can help you deal with the problems you are going through.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem in condidence. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Bethany
17/02/2013
Hi, I'm Beth.. I'm a 16 year old (17 in May) and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year now.
It all seemed perfect and still does, apart from the fact that I can't talk to any of my (now old) boy mates without him saying sarcastic comments or getting jealous,
I now can't go out with my friends because he gets jealous and says that he worries about me, but then says that he doesn't see his because he doesn't want me to worry, even though I don't mind. I feel as if I can't even sit with them at lunch times and laugh without him saying they make me happier than he does..
My family (my mum, step dad, brother and sister) have now been talking about going on a family holiday, which I was excited about, but of course I couldn't tell him that and I have to say that I'm not excited because he thinks I don't love him, but the thing is he has asked if he could come, I asked and my mum said no but he said her reasoning wasn't good enough, so basically has forced me into asking again...
Never has he physically or mentally abused me, yeah we play around and that but it's never intentional, I don't know whether he's just too protective or it's gone to controlling now? I love him to pieces as he's been in my life for 4 years now, but I just don't know how to handle it anymore!! :(
Any of your helpful comments would be appreciated!!
B x
Bethany - 17/02/2013
ReplyHi Bethany,
Thank you for posting your worries.
Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused could cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence.
An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour and if the bullying is making you worried you need to speak to a trusted adult.
If you’re under 18 and you need to talk to someone in confidence contact ChildLine on 0800 11 11 or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
hktwre
17/02/2013
Hey
um, is someone constantly ignoring, backchatting, giving dirty looks and shaking his head everytime he sees me bullying or abuse?
I normally wouldn't ask you but it's killing me and i can't talk to anyone else. I'm sorry for being annoying but please help me if youcan
hktwre - 17/02/2013
ReplyHi hktwre,
Thanks for your message.
Signs of bullying can include being called names, being teased, being pushed or pulled around, having money or personal possessions taken or damaged, having rumours spread, being ignored or left out, being hit, kicked or physically hurt in some way, being threatened or intimidated.
If you are being bullied you’ve taken that first step by messaging us. What you need to do is try and find someone you trust to talk to, even if you find this difficult to do. And if you have difficulty talking about your experiences directly, you could write it all down for someone you trust to read.
It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
You can also contact Beat Bullying on www.beatbullying.org. They provide advice to help young people who are being bullied either face to face or online.
jim
17/02/2013
I'm 23 and suffer from anxiety.
My girlfriend regularly guilt trips me and calls me a cheat for even thinking of talking to even my closest female friends, who are just friends and she knows them.
I am a social person, my anxiety is worse when i'm shut away as she knows, and yet my social life is slowly being reduced to just her as I am unable to go out and see my friends for fear of a girl being there, won't allow me to do anything without her there, demands access to my facebook and phone at all times.
Is this abusive or is she right to say that boys/girls cannot be friends
jim - 17/02/2013
ReplyHi Jim, thanks for your post.
Abuse is wrong and never okay. If you are suffering from emotional abuse it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do, and it’s important to try and find someone you trust to talk to.
This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
As you are over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
SDHH
16/02/2013
Hi
um this is n't anything to do with a relationship but it is killing me inside. This guy that i like won't talk to me, and we always used to talk but now he won't even look at me. Every time we make the slight bit of eycontact he looks down and shakes his head, every time he does that it kills me. I told my friends that i like him but i can't talk about the probem with them because they just get angry and say stop talking about him and get over him because he has a girlfriend. I know it's probably not that serious compared to other problems but it really is killing me. Please help
SDHH - 16/02/2013
ReplyHi SDHH,
We think the best thing for you to do is to talk to someone you trust about your feelings - you can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem in confidence, nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
We hope that helps.
Lucy
16/02/2013
Hi I'm Lucy, when I was 14 ( 4 months ago) I was dating a lad who was older then me, when ever we where together he kept going on and on about sex every time I was with him as he had had sex before with another girl, I kept telling no I wanted to wait for the right person let alone the fact it was illegal so one night we were together at mine home alone and before I knew it he grabed me pushed me on to my bed pined me down so i couldnt move and then ripped of my legans before I knew what was happening. I tried so hard to push him of but he was a lot stronger then me so I just lay there bleeding and crying begging him to stop.
After that night we didn't speak for over a month then one day he text me to say it was over it killed me I felt so used and dirty, recently he has tried to start talking to me again and I don't know what to do!
Please help me!
Lucy x
Lucy - 16/02/2013
ReplyLucy,
I was raped when I was 14. Im now 22 and now suffering the consequences of not dealing with it back then.
I now have depression, post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety agrophobia. Im not saying it will be the same for you, but you need to talk to someone about it.
If he did that to you, he is a disgusting excuse for a human being. If he ended it after doing it, he is a user and would do it again to another girl. Its statutory rape for start, and you should never be forced or pressured into doing anything you don't want too.
Only reason you should talk to him again is to get him to admit what he did over text and then take it to the police as evidence. Understandably you may not want to do that, but speaking to him again, another chance, your better than that.
You deserve better than that.
Good Luck.
Kirsty - 18/02/2013
Hey Lucy
Sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend
i think you should phone the police because i cant stand people rape they need locking up
you can always call 101 in non emergencys but if it happens again make sure phone 999
Terry - 17/02/2013
Hello Lucy,
Thanks for your post.
We are so sorry to hear about this distressing incident from your past. We think it is really important that even though this may have happened some time ago, you should try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape. It is a crime and should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
If this has happened to you no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
hktwre
16/02/2013
Talk to him, it might be that he is insecure and wants to keep you
hktwre - 16/02/2013
ReplyBecky
15/02/2013
Im 25 and have recently moved in with my 32 year old bf. He used to be nice to me but always knew he was a little selfish but recently he has turnd into a complete an utter monster and Im scared of him.
If we argue and I want to have my say he pushes me around, slaps me face or grabs me around the neck. He calls me lazy and always tells me I am uncapable of doing anything. Nothing is ever good enough for him even if I do try my hardest.
Hes not caring and doesnt really like to look after me if im unwell i cant ever recall him asking me if im okay i avoid having confrontation with him and when i want to have my say i turn into a mouse i say nothing or im careful with what im saying so that he doesnt get angry with me because he always looses his temper.
I cry everyday before i go to bed where im so depressed im not sure if this is abuse or im just being dramatic?
Becky
Becky - 15/02/2013
ReplyHi Becky,
Thanks for posting on the site. The campaign is aimed at 13-18 year olds but there are many specialist support services available for adults.
If you’re looking for support or advice you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) or log-on to Women's Aid's Survivors' Message board:
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080021§ionTitle=Survivors+Forum.
Take care.
Holly
15/02/2013
I'm 16, and my boyfriend is constantly checking my phone or facebook messages, and if a boy speaks to me he gets really protective and angry. He just needs to understand that i have friends that are boys, especially as i'm still at school of course i have friends who're boys!
What should i do?
Holly - 15/02/2013
ReplyHi Holly,
i'm the same age and in the same position as you, my boyfriend won't let me talk to my old boy mates without saying anything and I don't know what to do either.. I just posted my story..
I think you should try to talk to him and explain that you do love him, and that he should trust you enough to talk to your boy friends.
do you have a password on your phone? maybe you could try putting one on or even taking it off to show that you feel as if you have nothing to hide, or to show that you have your own privacy and he shouldn't invade it!
I feel the same as you, but i try not to let it get to me, i hope you get it sorted!
Beth xx
Bethany - 17/02/2013
HI Holly
Thanks for getting in touch.
Abuse is wrong and never okay. If you are suffering from emotional abuse it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do, and it’s important to try and find someone you trust to talk to.
This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.