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This is ABUSE

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HAVE YOUR SAY

Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships or ask a question to one of our trained advisors

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board. And if you’re worried about anything to do with abuse, whether it’s in your own relationship or a friend’s, you can ask one of our trained experts for advice.

Have a read through the discussion boards, the chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.

Seen the ads? What do you think?

  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape

    [73 comments]

  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical

    [134 comments]

  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?

    [21 comments]

  • Emotional Abuse

    [72 comments]

  • Controlling Behaviour

    [5 comments]

  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP

    [10 comments]

  • Mandem On The Wall

    A trio of friends meet at the place they love to jam - The Wall. Tinie Winie has a new girlfriend and with advice from the Mandem crew learns how to treat her with respect. The trouble is he gets it wrong and ends up becoming someone he doesn't want to be....

    [134 comments]

  • Twist and Pulse

    Twist and Pulse visit George Mitchell school to perform their latest dance routine for the pupils and talk to them to see if they are in the know about relationships.

    [0 comments]

  • Charlie McDonnell

    Watch Charlie McDonnell’s video about Sex, and most importantly, about Consent.

    [0 comments]

  • Bedroom

    Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?

    [156 comments]

  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it

    [8 comments]

  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it

    [5 comments]

  • Sam & Alice

    [12 comments]

  • If you could see yourself

    Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

    [538 comments]

  • Zoe's story

    Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

    [538 comments]

  • Party

    Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?

    [100 comments]

  • School

    Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?

    [79 comments]

  • Takeaway

    Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?

    [169 comments]

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Experts from Young People’s Services of Respect and AVA are reading and responding to posts on the site, to ensure that responses are independent, sensitive and helpful.

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Results: 210 - 225 of 2041

  • Fiona Taylor

    18/02/2014

    hi, ive been with my bf for a couple of years, and ive lost so many friends. (not all)
    but my friends never gave him a chance, he always tried to communicate with them and talk to them and try to get to know them, cause they were my friends, but they just kept having a go at him for no reason, which wasnt in the slightest nice at all. i know for one if thats how his friends were to me, id be extremly upset as he was with me.
    anyway i did try to ask them why they wouldnt talk to him or get to know him as i have spent pretty much half of my life getting to know their boyfriends or partners and spending time with the both of them.. ive seen what my bf said to them and it was just trying to be nice and get to know them,
    anyway they've done nothing but accuse him of abusing me.. hes done nothing but the sort... and it makes me so angry that my so called friends would label him to do this.
    i am no longer friends with these people and dont want to be in the future.
    i have my few good friends that ive grown up with who get on with my bf and wouldnt down him.
    seriously what gives them the right to do this.. before my relationship i thought our friendship was like a sister relationship i never thought it would end up like this. im sure im probably gossipied about a lot now and my boyfriend is probably seen as horrible, but hes never done anything!

    Fiona Taylor - 18/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Fiona,

      Thank you for your message. It’s sad to hear that you have lost some friendships over their opinions on your boyfriend. Unfortunately when we start to take a relationship serious we can tend to focus more on our partner rather than our friends which can lead to others feeling pushed out. It sounds as though you have tried to introduce your boyfriend into your friendship circle which hasn’t been successful. However you do seem to have a good support network around you with friends who have known you for a long time so please don’t worry about other people gossiping.
      Feeling safe, respected and loved and being able to make decisions for yourself means you are in a healthy relationship.
      Remember everyone has opinions it is how we express our opinions that matter.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 19/02/2014

  • Holly

    18/02/2014

    i'm in a psychological abusive relationship, and the worse part about that is the peer pressure to have sex and being emotional abused into doing it, how can I get help?

    Holly - 18/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Holly,
      Thank you for your message.
      No one should feel pressured into having sex or engaging in sexual activities that makes them feel uncomfortable or fearful. You mention that you feel pressure from your peers, but many people wait until they are older or most importantly feel ready to have sex. Being forced or pressured into having sex is abuse and if you do not give consent then this is rape. Your partner should respect you full stop.
      I would suggest you contact www.womensaid.org.uk for more information on domestic abuse. You can also contact the national domestic abuse helpline which is a freephone number 0808 2000 247.
      We also offer live chat sessions on this site Mon-Fri 5-7pm if you would like to chat with us.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 18/02/2014

  • tom

    17/02/2014

    My girlfriend keeps raping me and I need helo and support

    tom - 17/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Tom,
      Thank you for your message. I know that this must be very hard for you to share but talking to someone about what is happening is really important.
      You can speak in confidence by calling 0808 801 0327 which is a helpline for males or you can visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 18/02/2014

  • Mollie

    17/02/2014

    Hello,
    I am 20 years old now. When i was 12 i met this boy who i thought deserved my time. I was extremely young, did not know anything about sex. The only thing i knew was that it happened. One evening he forced me to have sex with him, I said no a few times but he was being seductive and persuasive to make it seem ok.

    I remember one time he said we were going for a walk. I was so happy at the time, thinking how lovely it all was. Until he stopped and made me get on the ground to have sex.

    I was extremely young at the time, i just wanted to please and thought it was normal. Looking back on it it makes me feel very upset and ashamed and embarrassed.
    I regret it so much and can't help but think about it quite a lot.
    It makes me feel very sad.

    Mollie - 17/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Mollie

      I am so glad you got in touch, you have been carrying this around with you for so long now. It is really important that you get support to talk about what happened and to try to move on.

      What happened was in no way your fault, you were only 12 and legally not able to consent to sex or to emotionally understand what was happening to you. This person took advantage of that and raped you.

      Have you been able to talk to anyone about this? If you don't feel like you can talk to anyone you know, there is a brilliant organisation called rape crisis who can help, they speak to people every day who have been raped, many of whom were assaulted as children and are only now able to talk about it.
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      freephone helpline - 0808 802 9999

      I think it would be a really good idea to contact them, they will listen and be able to support you. There may also be a local support group you could go to.

      I hope this helps
      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 18/02/2014

  • Sarah

    17/02/2014

    I have been seeing a boy since October and its been nothing but trouble. My friend came to stay for the weekend and we went out, he constantly rang me and was checking up on me.
    I rang him to tell him about our night and he started asking me what boys I was with, it was only me and my friend at my house he didn't believe me so I tried to call it a day.
    He then rang me back threatening to kill himself saying he took a full tub of paracetemol.
    He did in fact do so, not once but twice.
    I feel stuck and know I shouldn't be with him but still am.
    My plan is to to join the army and I hope it works out.
    He's very paranoid, needs constant reassurance and check my phone when I'm asleep.
    People like this don't change....i'm in a rut and a bad one of that!
    He has also spoke to me so bad to the point where I've felt worthless...I felt numb waking up next to him.
    I'm 20 and fortunately have a supportive family and feel i'm capable of not staying.
    I just hope young girls out there relate to this post and are able to move on from negative relationships.
    It gets worse not better.

    Sarah - 17/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Sarah

      Thank you for your message, it sounds like things have been really hard for you. What your boyfriend has been doing is emotional abuse and very controlling. It is not ok to check your phone or to check up on you and want to know who you are with.

      It must have been awful when he took an overdose, but this was not your fault or responsibility. Is he getting some support for how he feels? There is a really good organisation called papyrus who can help when people feel suicidal - http://www.papyrus-uk.org/

      It is great that you have a supportive family and that you are planning to leave the relationship. It's important to do this safely though - make sure you tell your family what you are planning. There are some tips here: http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/keeping-safe/

      You are right that abusive relationships often don't improve, but your life can improve and this is the start of that. It sounds like you have got some good plans. You can always come to our live chat service every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk more,
      take care
      jo

      This is Abuse team - 18/02/2014

  • Isadora

    17/02/2014

    I think I've been sexually abused. I thought because I was drunk no one would listen to me, I don't know what to do. It was 8 months ago now.

    Isadora - 17/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Isadora

      I am really sorry to hear about what happened to you. Rape and sexual assault are very serious and incredibly traumatic and can take a long time to heal from. It is really important that you get support and I can assure you that the fact you were drunk at the time will make no difference. What happened was not your fault and you drinking has got nothing to do with it.

      If you were drunk, then legally you are not able to give consent to sex - there is more info here and you can contact rape crisis for support. They are lovely and will listen and be able to advise you and tell you about local services:
      www.rapecrisis.org.uk
      0808 802 9999

      You do not have to cope with this alone, and none of this was your fault.
      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 18/02/2014

  • Ginny

    16/02/2014

    Hi,
    I was seeing a guy last year (but not in a proper relationship) and he filmed me without my knowledge during a sexual act. He then showed the video to lots of people in our year at school and I was wondering, is this abuse?

    Ginny - 16/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Ginny
      Thanks for your message. I understand how upsetting this must be for you. Your boyfriend should never have broken your trust and shared that image, and in fact potentially could get in a lot of trouble for doing so if you are under 18.

      There is some good advice on this website and link here as well as a couple of films about this:
      http://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/11_16/control/sexting/
      If the image has been uploaded onto a social networking site like facebook you can contact them and ask them to remove it.

      Have you been able to talk to anyone about this? I hope your friends are being supportive. It may be a good idea to talk to an adult like a family member or a teacher to get some support..

      Take a look at the Think u know site as you may find it helpful.

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 17/02/2014

  • Ashley N

    16/02/2014

    Hi my name is Ashley. My sister's boyfriend tricked me into sex. I feel so guilty. I don't know what to do.

    Ashley N - 16/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Ashely N

      Thanks for your message. I am sorry to hear that this has happened to you and can understand that you must be feeling confused about what has happened. Its important for you to know that this is not your fault - you are not responsible for what has happened.

      Have you been able to talk to anyone about this? Talking to someone you trust might help and will give you some emotional support at this time. Pressurising or 'tricking' someone to have sex against their will is against the law. You could consider reporting what has happened to the police or maybe try calling the Charity Rape crisis on 0808 802 9999. they will offer you advice and discuss options with you as well as being able to provide you with some counselling. Its not unusual for victims of assault to feel they are to blame in some way although this is never the case. talking to someone will help you work this through and sort it out in your mind which will ultimately help you feel better and more able to start reliving your life again and enjoying it again

      i hope that helps as starting point

      take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 16/02/2014

  • Lizzy

    15/02/2014

    I know that this may sound silly but I went out with a guy and he made me have sex with him- similar to the film. Anyway, when he started I told him 'no' (three time) but he just ignored me and I just laid their crying. When he was finished he told me that once you "start" you can not stop and that it was basically my fault. I'm just really confused; was it my fault because I did not stop it sooner?
    What are you suppose to do when they don't stop?

    Lizzy - 15/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Lizzy

      I am so sorry to hear about what you went through. Rape is a terrifying and traumatic thing to experience and you do not sound silly at all. You are not to blame in any way, you clearly said no and actually, you do not have to say no to not consent to sex - there is some more info here about that - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse/view/rape-sexual-assault/consent

      It is not true at all that you can't stop sex once you have started. And it is your right to stop sex at anytime. You may initially want to at first and then change your mine during sex, and then that person would have to stop or it would be rape.

      What happened to you was very scary and you may need to get some support to cope with what happened. You can talk to someone you trust like a teacher, doctor, family member and you can also contact rape crisis http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
      0808 802 9999

      Are you still in contact with this boy? I think it would not be safe for you to see him again. If you want to talk to us more, we have a live chat session every mon-fri night from 5-7pm.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/02/2014

  • Megan

    14/02/2014

    I was in an abusive relationship for about 6 months, we were togeter for two years but he became abusive about 6 months before I broke up with him. He was very controlling, and we would argue a lot, and when we did he was threatening eg punching a wall next to my head while on too of me, holding my throat, pushing me around, pulling my hair when I tried to move away, screaming in my face and holding my mouth just because I was crying. There was more, jokes about me being fat even though I was on the verge of bulimia. We had been happy for so long and I still have only told a few friends about it. I know feel like he has just got away with it with no consequences and he now is seeing someone else and doesn't seem to feel guilty and ashamed, while I have to live with it all and I still get so upset and I get asked about how He is by people who don't know what he did. He makes me feel like I'm overreacting but I do just want him to feel some guilt as to how he made me feel, and how I still have the emotional scars. I have used websites like this before, I don't want to speak to people on the phone, I just want some advice. About how I can get over it, move on, some friends have told me to take legal action but I don't know where I stand. And I don't want to ruin his life. I think I'm over it and then I see things about him and some new girl doing stuff we used to do. I'm over him, and I wouldn't want him back. But I'm not over what he did to me. I feel worthless. Completely worthless and used

    Megan - 14/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Megan,

      Thank you for your message. You are not over-reacting to what happened to you. Your ex was very abusive and violent with you and emotionally abusive as well. What he did was a serious crime. I’ pleased you are accessing help for what you went through as you should not have to cope on your own with this – you deserve some support.

      You say you can’t talk on the telephone, do you think you could speak to anyone face to face about what has happened. The feelings of worthlessness you are experiencing are very common after a person has suffered abuse. You may need some support to help you regain your confidence and to accept that what happened to you was not your fault and you did not deserve it. Your ex is an abuser and will probably treat all the women he is in relationships with how he treated you. You have been strong to get out and stay out of the relationship.

      You say you want to move on and get over the abuse, the only way to do that is to get some support for what you went through. You suffered something very serious. This website is a good place to look for support in your local area.

      www.womensaid.org.uk

      We also have live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like some more support.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 15/02/2014

  • Sop

    14/02/2014

    Is it normal for you to still love someone who use to beat you up and rape you almost everyday? when i was with him he was always abusive and horrible to me but i think i still love him. is this normal or am i just being stupid and pathetic?

    Sop - 14/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Sop

      You are definitely not being stupid or pathetic at all. Love is a very powerful emotion, and it is normal to still have feelings for someone even if they were very abusive which is sounds like your ex was.

      Abusers are very good at controlling people and manipulating them. They can show love just enough to make you think things may get better, or to make you think the abuse is your fault and it can be hard to reconcile those times with the times when they are abusive. I am really glad you are no longer with him though, as it sounds like it was a very abusive and therefore dangerous relationship.

      I think that you may need to talk to someone to help you deal with what happened and how you feel. You can always ring the helpline on 0800 2000 247 to find out about services in your local area, or google the name of where you live and 'domestic violence support'. You can also contact rape crisis http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ for advice.

      Abuse can take a long time to recover from, so it is really important to get some support and also to keep safe.

      We have a live chat every mon-fri from 5-7 if you want to talk to us more,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/02/2014

  • claire

    14/02/2014

    hi me and my boyfriend have just split up. he made me feel really insecure , but i cant stop loving him. in the relationship he would say that i need to watch what i eat and that im putting on weight. I am clumsy and i did break something once, but he always said dont break that, be careful. Sometimes i fully understood but he took it to extreme sometimes. the relationship broke down as we didnt have sex hardly ever as it caused me physical pain which i now know could be endometrosis. I would put myself through sheer pain to please him and it hurt that much it felt like rape. I would never enjoy it and this is the reason its broken down because he feels rejected by me. is it my fault?

    claire - 14/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Claire

      I know it can be really upsetting when a relationship breaks up, but it sounds like you are also reflecting on how your boyfriend treated you and realising that it was not ok? Commenting on your weight etc is not nice.

      It must have been awful to have sex when it was so painful, and it is not ok for someone to expect sex especially when they know that it hurts the other person.

      What has happened is definitely not your fault.

      Have you seen a doctor about the endometrosis? I think that would be a good idea as there is a lot that can be done to help you with the pain.

      A healthy relationship will not make you feel insecure or that you have to have sex even if you don't want to, and I know that you will meet someone who will love and respect you.

      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 16/02/2014

  • David

    13/02/2014

    I'm not naive and I left the woman who did this stuff to me. She did it three times and every time she did it I warned her that I would end the relationship. She was intensively jealous. She would take my phone and go through my messages and call history (my work phone) because I'd changed jobs and she didn't know who I worked with anymore (we were both nurses and worked in same circles in one town but I got a promotion and moved work to another town). She became convinced I was having affairs with colleagues and accused me and confronted me regularly. At one point she took my work phone away and I had to go to the police (who couldn't do anything because I didn't own the phone lol!) She used it to message every work contact to ask them if they were having an affair with me or if they knew who I was having sex with, which was highly embarrassing.
    She was not a young woman and I am certainly not a young man. She had two grown up daughters. The relationship dissolved in a flurry of violence, I was assaulted repeatedly. Eventually I had to move out because of her intolerable behaviour. The stress on me was incredible, it's taken me at least 10 years before I could trust another partner
    and start building a relationship.

    I can relate to what the younger people are posting on this site . Don't, not for a minute put up with this nonsense. I was a bit of a softy - I gave my abuser three times, three assaults, when she was punching me in the face (she told me that if I was a man then I should be hard enough to take it) before I left.

    Good decision.

    David - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear David,

      Thank you so much for posting here. Your comments to other readers are really encouraging. I'm pleased to hear you are in a happier place now. It took a lot of strength to leave the relationship you were in and i'm happy you have shared your story here.

      Take care and thank you again,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 15/02/2014

  • Rhi

    13/02/2014

    I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a year although I didn't realise it at the time. He was very controlling and aggressive and I hated myself for letting it happen. The relationship finally ended several years ago and I thought that I was ok but I've not had a proper relationship since and in the last year I've realised how scared I am of getting close to someone again. I don't know how to move past this and I'm scared that I'll be alone forever because I can't trust anyone.

    Rhi - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Rhi

      Thank you for contacting us, I am glad that you did. it sounds like you have managed to get out of a very abusive relationship and recovering from an experience like that takes time. Have you ever spoken to anyone about what happened or asked for some support?

      One thing I think you need to do is learn to be less hard on yourself. No one invites or allows themselves to be abused but the nature of abuse - how slowly it develops over time means that you are often quite a way into a relationship before you can recognise that it is abusive. There are services available to support you with making sense of what happened and how to move forward onto another relationship. Many women struggle with forming new relationships after abuse so what you are experiencing although distressing is also not that uncommon.

      If you call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 they will be able to tell you what services are available in your area. Some areas have something called Survivors groups which are groups for women who have experienced domestic violence to meet and work towards a recovery from it. Groups can seem quite a scary idea but most women who pluck up the courage to go say they were really helpful. If that doesn't seem like a good option for you maybe talk to your GP as they could refer you for some individual sessions instead.

      Some women have found some books useful to read. If reading is good for you the two I woud recommend are Power and Control - Why Charming Men can make dangerous lovers by Sandra Horley or Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft ( your library could order them in for you).

      I hope that helps a bit towards working things through - give the helpline a call

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 14/02/2014

  • toni

    13/02/2014

    I need help to get my husband out of my life he has attacked me for yrs and in lost and scared !! And on medications!!

    toni - 13/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Toni,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear that you are under a great deal of stress and pressure from the abuse you have suffered. You have been brave to post her – you don’t have to cope alone and there is help out there.

      You say you are on medication, have you spoken to your GP about the abuse you are suffering? Do you know anyone you could talk to about this, friends, family, or someone else in your life? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take. You can also look on this website: www.womensaid.org.uk for services in your area.

      We have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk about this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 15/02/2014

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Results: 210 - 225 of 2041

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