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This is ABUSE

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Results: 135 - 150 of 2091

  • By The Way

    14/03/2014

    "Rape is when a male forces his penis..." This is incorrect. Women can rape people too, it's just less likely and almost never talked about. I think that you should change this to be more general and accurate. Thank you for your time.

    By The Way - 14/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi,

      Thanks for your post. The information you gave is incorrect. Under UK law rape is penetration of the mouth, anus or vagina with a penis. UK law does not recognise that women can rape, the law in which women perform sexual acts is classed as sexual assault.

      Thanks,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 16/03/2014

  • Amelia

    14/03/2014

    I was in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years, He was always controlling and angry, he would stop me seeing people including my family, take my phone, monitor my texts and facebook account. He once smashed my laptop up with a golf club. On one occasion at 11 weeks pregnant he punched my tummy and hit me in the head with a steel toe capped boot and at this point i lift him and reported the incident. Because I came out about the incident social services are involved with our baby, and I did the 12 week freedom programme at WISH. I got a court injunction however it is now removed and we are trying to make our relationship work. We have now been together again for 2 months, I am thirty weeks pregnant with the same baby and he does seem to have changed, he is thoughtful, kind and doesn't show any of the signs of being abusive that he did last time. I absolutely adore this guy, I love him with all my heart but the only thing that bothers me is he still wont apologise for all he put me through, he wont accept it at all and makes me feel stupid and abit like im not deserving of an apology... should i leave it be, he is behaving correctly now maybe he just wants to have his pride and leave his past in the past or hes in denial.. but something inside me says what about my pride, what about all ive been through for 3 years and the fact that i still love you and stand by you? should i really be so fixated on getting an apology from him or should i just move on like he has and make the most of his new nice side?

    Amelia - 14/03/2014

    Reply
    • I suggest you keep your mind open to both possibilities - maybe your boyfriend wants to make amends but is too proud to admit his mistake. Alternatively he hasn't changed. For the second option please google "hovering" which relates to emotional abuse and make sure you keep a tab on anything you can recognise here so that you are not taken by shock in the end.

      Yasminemile - 17/03/2014

    • Hi Amelia,

      Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like you're in a difficult situation.

      Unfortunately you cannot make him do something, it has to be his choice, and it sounds like he is not willing to apologise. It sounds like he put you through a lot. Has he thought about addressing his behaviour? If so, he might want to contact Respect on 0808 802 4040.

      Have you thought about what you will do if his behaviour does change? It might be worth visiting www.womensaid.org.uk and taking a look at some of the safety planning information in the Survivor's Handbook. It's important to note that violence often increases after the birth of a child.

      Take care,

      Luke

      This is Abuse team - 16/03/2014

  • livvy

    14/03/2014

    I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months now and he is aware that I was sexually assaulted in my past and as a result sometimes I dont want to have sex yet I feel I cant say no because saying no makes me feel vulnerable and scared because of past events. My boyfriend knows that I have this fear of saying no and he also knows i have had sex with him before when i didnt want to. He claims he feels guilty for this but then he tries to have sex with me even though he knows I dont want to by my body language and he tries repeatedly so sometimes we have sex even though i didnt want to and he knew i didnt and i didnt give consent but because i havent actually spoken the word no I dont know if his behavior is excusable or not.

    livvy - 14/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Livvy,

      Thank you for your message. I’m pleased you have posted here, it’s brave of you to share what is happening in your relationship. What you boyfriend is doing is not excusable and is against the law. I can hear how hard you are finding this situation. There is support you can access to help you with this.

      From your message it sounds like your partner is raping you, as he is having sex with you when he knows you don’t consent. You have already experienced sexual assault in the past and you have discussed this with your boyfriend. You have also told him that you do not want to have sex. He is aware that you are not consenting and he is aware of your feelings of vulnerability, but has not respected them. You do not have to say no to not consent to sex, body language can be enough. You can look on this website for more information about consent and rape.

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/consentandconsequences/123-sex-consent-.html

      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/rapeampsexualviolence2.php

      Do you know anyone you could talk to about this, friends, family or a trusted adult? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know? If not I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis to talk about this, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence and trauma. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). You may also want to call the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 2/47 and discuss your relationship with them, as you are being sexually abused by your boyfriend.

      We have live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk about this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 16/03/2014

  • Em

    14/03/2014

    Just to everyone who is going through physical and mental abuse, im a survivor of many accounts of abuse as iv commented on here a few times before, be strong, its never ok to be treat like rubbish and abused by family, boyfriends or girlfriends, husbands or wives, chins up, you can all get through this as I have and many others I know, there is still hope, dont stay with an abusive partner just because your scared of them or even if you think its the right thing to do because you will always find help no matter where you go, in the most unlikely places, I was beaten, raped, mentally abused, punished for being me by alot of people, but remember to hold your head high because their is still hope for everyone and anyone, peace out x

    Em - 14/03/2014

    Reply
  • Kim

    14/03/2014

    I'm not sure if my relationship is abusive or not.
    I'm nearly 17 and my boyfriend is 16 and I've been with him for nearly 2 months now and at first it was great! I fell for him straight away and we were getting along awesomely! It's only a week or so ago that things started to go a bit wrong. He likes to know where I am going and who I'm with all the time I'm not with him and he tells me what I can and can't wear when I go out with him and even when I'm not with him. It's getting to the point now where I am unsure of what to say or do or wear ect just in case it upsets him and he has a go at me. We've been arguing a lot recently over little things like what I eat and stuff like that. He's never ever hit me and I believe he never will but I'm just not sure whether the other stuff he does is abuse or not. Please help?
    Thank you.
    Kim :(

    Kim - 14/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Kim,

      Thank you for your message. I’m pleased you have posted here, it’s brave of you to share what is happening in your relationship.

      Your boyfriend is being abusive. All the things you describe in your message are abuse. No one should make another person feel frightened of them or try to control what a person eats, wears or does. You deserve to be able to live your life freely without having to worry about your partner’s reaction to things. Domestic abuse is not just violence, it’s about control too and it sounds like your partner is being very controlling and verbally abusive.

      Do you know anyone you could talk to about this, friends, family or a trusted adult? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take next. You can also look on this website:

      http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/relationship/

      We have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk about this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 16/03/2014

  • -

    14/03/2014

    Hi. I was in a sad excuse of a relationship for 2 years. At first I thought I was doing the right things to make the relationship work which was not the case and now I am left feeling so low with no confidence. Everything was fine for the first year then he turned into a control freak and I was constantly doing what he said because he made me feel like there was no one else and that was how I deserved to be treated. It turned really nasty at the end and I was constantly being called horrible names, shouted at for being late and being made to do things I didn't want to do and either having no choice or being forced to leave. He started to take pictures of me then threaten me with them but there was nothing I could do because he would get violent. I was just doing what I was told because I was scared, I knew I should of left sooner but the damage is done now and I don't want to feel like this anymore

    - - 14/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hello,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear that your confidence and self-esteem have been really affected by the abusive relationship you were in. You have done a strong thing by ending that relationship, it took massive courage when he was being so frightening.

      Do you know anyone you could talk to about this, friends, family, or someone else in your life? If you don’t feel able to talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 -hour domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to them about how you are feeling and what options you could take next. You can also look on this website: www.womensaid.org.uk for services in your area. From your message it sounds like your ex sexually abused you and violated your privacy by sharing photographs of you. I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis to talk about this, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence and trauma. They can talk with you in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday).

      It sounds like you need some support to help you recover from what you went through. Many people feel like you do after being in an abusive relationship, it’s a normal reaction. There is help out there for you to access, you deserve that support.

      We have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk about this more with one of our advisors.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 16/03/2014

  • ShanLou

    14/03/2014

    Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 9 months and for about 4 months hes decided to blaim me for everything, its my fault the washing hasnt been done and its my fault if theres washing up, i dont know if the way he speaks to me is classed as mental abuse. It doesnt help that i might be pregnant so dont really need the stress. He has in 3 occasions tried to push me out our flat and has reduced me to tears too many times. I dont know if he is just miserable or if he wants control as he constantly puts blaim on me and has kicked me til i was pushed off our bed, im not scared im just worried.

    ShanLou - 14/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear ShanLou,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how stressed the way your partner is treating you is making you feel, and how the fact you think you may be pregnant is adding to that. Your partner is being abusive and I’m pleased you have felt able to post here and seek support.

      Your partner is blaming you for things that are not your fault, pushing you, kicking you and making speaking to you in ways that are making you upset. These are all types of abuse – the way you are being treated is not ok. The fact that you think you may be pregnant may be adding to your worries, as you may now be feeling like you have less option to leave the relationship if you are. Your partner is behaving on a controlling and abusive way to you and it’s understandable that you are worried. Domestic abuse can sometimes get worse when a woman is pregnant, so if you find out you are it might be a further reason to seek some support.

      Have you spoken to anyone on your life about this – friends or family? If you can’t speak to someone you know perhaps you can talk to the national helpline on 0808 2000 247. The more support you have the easier it will be for you to decide what to do next. I cab hear you are confused by the way your partners actions, but the way he is treating you isn’t right and is having an affect on your life. You might want to have a look at this website below for more information.

      www.womensaid.org.uk

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 16/03/2014

  • Unknown

    13/03/2014

    I have an older brother a few years older than myself, and I've recently noticed strange behaviours between him and his girlfriend. I don't know if this is just friendly banter, but he seems to yell at her a lot. He can be an aggressive person at times around the house, but I mostly, now catch him directing his anger towards her. He yells at her regularly, insults her mother and her parenting skills, and occasionally 'jokes' with her and says things like; I WILL punch you, it is with a laugh and a joke on his face, but he has also been known to say things tom he r such asr he will commit suicide if she leaves him.
    .. I just wanted to check that this wasn't abuse because I am very worried for the both of them

    Unknown - 13/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Unknown

      I am glad that you felt able to contact us about this because the little you describe sounds quite worrying. Unfortunately, the behaviours you describe are most definitely abusive and your brother is deliberately targeting them towards his partner. This must be very upsetting for you to see and hear. Has anyone else in your family noticed or commented on this or would you be able to discuss your worries with them? Its important that you try and get some support for yourself too.

      Depending on the relationship you have with your brothers partner you could perhaps try and talk to her alone and say that you feel uncomfortable when you see him treat her like this and ask if there is any way you can help. Of course she may be dismissive of a gesture like this or minimise what is going on but she would at least know that you are available to her for support if she chooses to seek it out in the future. If you decide to do this its crucial that you approach her when she is alone and not in his presence so it doesn't increase the risk of more abuse.

      His threats of suicide are worrying too as this is a behaviour that we see in abusive relationships often when the abusive person feels they need to exert more control over the other person. I think it would be useful for you to perhaps call the National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 because they can give you advice as well as information about local services in your area that could offer some support to her if she wants to engage with them.

      Both Women's aid and Refuge have useful websites on www.womensaid.org.uk and www.refuge.org.uk with lots of information.

      It can feel quite scary to talk to other people about things like this but you are right to be concerned about this relationship and having some information might help you too. Talking to your brother directly is another option but of course this may not be well received and there is not knowing if challenging him would not make things worse for his girlfriend. It is worth being aware though that there are services available to support men who want help with their abusive behaviour. Take a look at the webpage for Respect , a national charity on www.respect.uk.net. They also provide a helpline on 0808 802 4040

      I hope that helps as a starting point

      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 15/03/2014

  • KB

    13/03/2014

    Hey,
    Basically, I don't know if my relationship is border line abusive or not. Background information on my boyfriend: he's not a people person in that he doesn't really like people. He's not very open with his feelings and he doesn't really care how people view him.

    At the beginning of our relationship, he would do things in a joking way that kind of upset me. For example, he would say I'm ugly or that I was weird and confusing. He also did something that scared me slightly. We were at a party and he didn't want to dance and I did. As there was no one else there I really knew, I sat on a chair and just waited. He thought I was sulking so he sighed, grabbed my arm and lifted me out of the chair to dance. I have since told him that it hurt and he did apologise a lot and promised not to do it again.

    He has stopped these behaviours and I do love him with all my heart and I know he feels the same. I'm just wondering if these are abusive behaviours or whether it's just how he is (he hasn't had a relationship in a while, maybe he's just forgetting that I'm his girlfriend and not his male friend) and what to do if these behaviours appear again?
    Thank you.

    KB - 13/03/2014

    Reply

    • Hello KB
      Thank you for your message. I can see why you are feeling confused in this relationship and unsure about what you are experiencing. It is definitely emotionally abusive to deliberately say or do things to another person that hurts their feelings or to be physically aggressive or abusive towards them. It wasn’t acceptable for your boyfriend to say that you are ugly and when you describe him pulling you out of the chair you mention that you felt scared. It’s very important in relationships to pay attention to your feelings or gut instincts and the fact you felt scared suggests your boyfriend was quite forceful when he did this.
      It’s reassuring to hear that things like this are not happening now but you are wise to be alert to the fact that such a situation could arise again. One of the main problems with abuse is that it is something that happens over time often with a lot of space between incidents or things that upset you. This makes it hard to work out if you are in an abusive relationship or not. I think you might find it helpful to look at the Women’s Aid website (www.womensaid.org.uk) which has lots of information on it including about the early signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a good website for younger people (www.respectnotfear.co.uk). If you wanted to read more about abusive relationships a good book is Power and Control – why charming men can make dangerous lovers by Sandra Horley. Also make a note of the National helpline number 0808 2000 247 so that you can call them for advice if the relationship seems to be becoming abusive again.
      I hope that things work out
      Take care
      Linda

      This is Abuse team 15/03/2014

  • James

    13/03/2014

    I was in an abusive relationship a few years ago. I loved her, and tried to keep her happy, but she would never repay the favour and kept on making me feel like I wasn't good enough. She lied to me, telling me that she was raped when I know otherwise (her best friend told me that they were on a skype call at the time, and even admitted to her that she was lying) and tried to blame me for our relationship failing. I did not visit to seek advice - i'm over that part of my life, and i've just about overcome the anxiety that came with it. Instead, I would like to make a request - show adverts about the mental side of abusive relationships, and show adverts about females as the aggressors. Society today loves to blame the men in many ways, but it isn't always the case. Men get abused, raped even, and I feel like it is being hidden and the men who are affected aren't getting the help they deserved. I didn't get any help during or after the relationship, not because I didn't want any, but because I had nowhere to go. I realise that you do help men, but your adverts suggest otherwise.

    James - 13/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi James,
      Thanks for your message. I'm sorry to hear that you have experience abuse in your past relationship. Your right domestic abuse can happen to males, in fact most people would be surprised how many males are effected by abuse.
      Our society influences and stereotypes males making us think they should be strong, masculine and protectors. This can leave male victims feeling very isolated and not confident in speaking out about their abuse.
      I would recommend male victims contacting www.mensadviceline.org.uk or emailing them info@mensadvice.org.uk they also have a Freephone number 0808 801 0327 which they can provide confidential advice and support.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 15/03/2014

  • cody

    13/03/2014

    Its not about me its about my bestfriend,she's been in a relationship 7months and her boyfriend pushes her and calles her a slag and everything I know its not proper abuse but it's still some what do I do

    cody - 13/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Cody,
      Thanks for your message. Domestic abuse is a pattern of threatening behaviour which can be physical, sexual, financial and emotional. Abusers use these methods to have power and control over their victims.
      Your friend is in an abusive relationship and it is likely that over time the abuse will continue and even escalate.
      I would suggest you try and speak to your friend and tell her your concerns and offer her your support. You can both find more information on abuse at www.womensaid.org.uk or your friend can call the National Domestic Violence helpline on 0808 2000 247.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 15/03/2014

  • Darren

    13/03/2014

    Hi , I really need your help and advice , I'm currently married for 2 and a half years but been together for 8 years in total... But I have just found out recently that my wife has been having an affair with and is now living and back with her emotional abusive ex boyfriend who she knew from school... 8 years ago she had no confidence at all and her partner would drive and go everywhere with her she also had no friends .... so she told me that she was unhappy and then we got together and I saw the beauty with in her inside and out and told her to make herself feel happy and confident again and to make friends and so on .... Anyhow moving on 6 years into our relationship we got married (no problems) and then shortly after I became seriously ill with blood clots in my lungs in 2013.... shortly after my wife tells me that she is leaving me to go back to her ex boyfriend who is abusive to her... We have only been apart for 2 months but he has done so much damage in 2 months I am really worried for my wife safety in the long term.... as at the moment I am a sitting duck , as her family don't seem to be botherd and since the break up they haven't spoken to me..... so I have no support at present from anyone... I have spoken to a councillor and I am on the NHS waiting List to be seen ....... Shortly after the break up my wife tells me she wants a divorce without giving any reason why apart frm she is with her ex but what I mean is in terms of why she is leaving me ) I have spoken to her and have met her in private and everything was ok until 12/2/14 - she just changed personallity wise and her nice clothes she normally wears - shes changed that also its a no cofidence look (as if to say no other man would look at me ) in the 2 months I have experienced the following emotional abuse signs

    1. Being Angry at me and her best friend ( who she lives in cornwall and we live in london ) Being Angry with us for no reason - also she has no real true friends apart frm me and her best friend in cornwall... NO friends / change in personality ...

    3.. is stuck in a rountine everyday - does a 3hr job - mon - fri and then looks after her dog and serves him any way he sees fit for example - cooking , cleaning , sex or when they go out its always together by car ....

    4.. her abuser is her best friend now .... don't need any other friends .....

    5...finanical provider - does not allow her to pay any bills and the house he lives in is rented and is in his name - so my wife is now in a co dependant situation on him( can't say no to him )

    6. have no contact with my wife , despite given her space which i am doing - what i mean is if i want to have a chat or if its to do with my illness i can't call her - she has gone cold on me ?

    7. her ex / boyfriend has serious jealous/ possessive issues

    8.. isolation - mind control / anger emotions - my wife turning against me and her friends ... He is also very controlling..

    9. Normal- looks like all the things he is doing look normal .... Also had a call from my wife to ask me to put through the divorce - So that he can rush to committ to relationship with her...

    10.. intimidate people - he has been treating to me on 2 attemps in the past ....

    So bottom line is I have seen an sudden change in my wife and its full of anger and rage towards me and her friends or anyone who this ex boyfriend does not like....

    so what am i dealing with here

    1. my wife
    or

    2. his emotional abuse mind control - turning her against me .....

    beacuse no matter what i or her friend says or do she has a brick wall around her and he is the only one with the key .....

    I mean she got away from him so why go back ?

    Im doing my best by seeing an NHS councillor soon and getting my life back on track but its not easy...

    I need your expert advice on my situation ..

    Kind regards

    Darren ....

    Darren - 13/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Darren,
      Thanks for getting in touch. You have so much to deal with right now I am glad to here that you have been referred for some support. I can hear how you desperately want to help your ex-partner, however we can’t make people see what we see. Very often people who are in abusive relationships live in denial or are unable to see that the abuse is their partners fault and not theirs.
      If she has asked for space then you have to respect her wishes and be ready for when she asks for your support otherwise you can push her further away. I would suggest you look at www.womensaid.org.uk where you will find more information on how you can offer support.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 13/03/2014

  • abbiemarie

    13/03/2014

    Hi i'm a 16 year old girl and im in a relationship for 5 years now and im scared that my boyfriend might be cheating on me with an another girl and when i asks him about it.. he gets mad and punches the wall and then punches me and he says he's sorry and when i asks him about different things.. like where have you been... who have you been with.. and if he was cheating again.. he attacks me and hits me in the face and pushes me on to the floor and kicks me and i love him too bit .. I don't too lose him i want too be with him but i just don't know what too do

    abbiemarie - 13/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Abbie

      Thank you for your message. I was very concerned to read about what you have been going through. It sounds like you have been with your boyfriend for a long time and since you were quite young. Is it only recently that this abuse has started? The way he is reacting to you is very abusive and totally wrong. It is never ok to be abusive in any way and I am concerned for your safety.

      Does anyone else know what has been happening? Do you have any injuries that need medical attention - if you do please go to the doctors or A&E as soon as possible.

      It is important that other people know what is happening as it will help to keep you safe. I understand that you love him, but what is happening is very serious and not healthy. This should not be happening in a relationship.

      I can't comment on whether he may be cheating or not, but I understand why you would be upset at the thought that he might. Even if he is not and is upset by you questioning him, it is never ok to react with violence.

      If you want to talk to us more, we have a live chat every mon-fri between 5-7pm. You can also call the national helpline anytime on 0800 2000 247, or you can tell a teacher or another adult that you trust. You can also google the name of the area you live in and 'domestic violence support' and you should get details of where you can go for help and advice.

      I know it can be scary and really confusing when someone you love is hurting you, but it is really important that you don't try and cope with this on your own,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 14/03/2014

  • L

    13/03/2014

    I think I may be in a non violent abusive relationship. I have been with my husband since 1996 and our relationship has been volatile at times. We have split several times but I have always gone back for the sake of our children. In the early days he would tell me no one else would want me or put up with me. As the years have passed he has started taking care of the household finances and everything is paid to him. I don't work as he doesn't want me to. I started university in 2010 but he got funny and even ruined a few budding friendships I had. I didn't graduate due to the fact I could not afford the cost of transport. I am now studying hairdressing at college and my husband told me he would help with the cost of the course, he paid the first couple of installments now won't pay the rest saying I will have to give college up. College is only one day a week and that is the only day I get to leave the house. I live in a very rural area and we do not have enough petrol in the car for me to get to our nearest town to go out. He will give me petrol money enough to get to college and back or to go to the shop and that is it.
    every time we argue he tells me I know where the door is or he threatens to leave me and dissappear. He has recently started telling me again that no one would want me or put up with me. I am extremely unhappy and am awake most nights crying. I tried talking to my dad about this but he said my husband was a good man and I should stick with him as he has looked after me. My husband is never lets on to other people what he is like. He also doesn't like me going to see my family and is always telling me my family never bother to visit so they can't be bothered with me.

    I feel really cut off and don't know what to do, we have three kids aged 17, 12 and 15 and I have stayed with him for their sakes as I was affected by my parents very bad divorce at a young age. I feel as if I have no one to turn to and don't know what to do. I know things have to change but am worried I won't cope on my own as my husband constantly tells me I wouldn't cope on my own. Please HELP ME!!

    L - 13/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi L,
      Thank you for getting in touch. Your partner is very abusive towards you both emotionally and financially. He seems to have isolated you from all you support networks and therefore you feel like there is no way out, but there is and please don’t not feel in anyway that this abuse if your fault.
      Emotional abuse can be overlooked by those on the outside and very often our abusers will put on a different persona to make people think they are ‘a good person’ which makes it hard for us to speak out about the abuse.
      I understand your reasons for staying in this relationship for the sake of the children. However the impact domestic abuse has on children who live with and witness domestic abuse can be devastating on their emotional well-being and can lead them to believe that this behaviour is normal and acceptable.
      I would recommend you contact www.womensaid.org.uk or call the National Domestic Violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 who will be able to offer you support and information.
      We also have live chat sessions which run Mon-Fri 5-7pm.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 15/03/2014

  • Claire

    12/03/2014

    I don't know where to start and unsure if this is abuse or not. I am in a gay relationship and have been for a few years.I feel trapped isolated and alone. There are two sets of rules. One for me and one for my partner.
    My partner I believe has become controlling over who I see who I measage and who I have contact with. It is deemed that if I have friends then there is ulterior motive as my world involving friends and my partner should never come together yet it is ok the other way around. My family and friends have stopped messaging or calling me as they know it will cause grief for me. My boss at work is aware of the personal pressure and has been great but I feel I am letting everyone down. I can't use my phone without being questioned or accused of seeing someone or deleting evidence. If I check or respond to a message then I am told I am on my phone all day. Literally I just read or reply to one message. It makes me feel I shouldn't reply to messages as I shouldn't be on my phone yet my partner is rarely off their phone? It confuses me because I don't know what I am allowed or what is right. We clash over the kids all the time because my partner feels I am far too strict and then moans when the kids don't do things for her. So if the children don't eat their meal I say they can't have sweeties where she will give them whatever they ask. The kids will even refuse my answer as they see her as the boss and not me. I get told off for things I think are stupid like giving the dog attention instead of her. I mean surely I can pet my dog? Or shouldn't I? I mean what is normal? My mail is opened and checked. If not opened then steamed open to view and resealed. I know because my partner lets slip the contents. Any parcels I get are opened. Anything addressed to me is for all to see. In regards to finances I have to account for what money I have and where
    It is from despite paying my share of household bills childcare bills and such. Shouldn't pot of cash left over be mine or hers or both? I have never gone joint money wise I always assumed that if joint bills were paid what is left pays my debt only... Is this wrong? How does it work with friends? I have written 2 good friends out of my life. One since school. My partner believes you start as you mean to go on so if you have no friends and no social life that is how it stays. I went to uni and met a friend. But can't see them. Surely one meets new people as you go through life new relationships so can I be friends or is this deemed as going back on what was agreed as my partner says at the start of our relationship? Despite that she meets new people and forges new friendships? I am so confused as it is very different for her than it is to me yet she constantly tells me I control her and asks if she can have tv on or do x y or z. I tell her it is up to her not me yet she then makes some snotty remark. I feel a train wreck. I can't wait until my partner is at work to let my hair down and cry. I feel trapped. It has been physical. But it is okay i am making it out to be more than it was as only a shove a push and a slap. But she dragged me across the room threw me on floor and slapped me twice. And it hurt but I brought it on. She said I am a waste of space how can she be with a loser like me. Wasting time on me after all I have done to her. I feel I am to blame. I did this. Please am I going mad or is this person over stepping the mark. I have so many examples but feel I am going crazy. I can't leave due to kids and feel so isolated.

    Claire - 12/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Claire

      Thanks for your message, I am really glad you got in touch. What is happening to you is not ok and is very abusive both emotionally and physically. Also, I want to be clear that none of this is your fault.

      It must be really difficult and confusing right now, and I understand who things are more complicated because of the kids.

      The good news is you do not have to go through this alone, there are people who can help and you do have options.
      The best place to start is broken rainbow who are the national LGBT domestic abuse charity. They have a helpline and you can also email them or live chat.
      http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/
      0300 999 5428

      We also have a live chat every week night from 5-7pm.
      It is important that you tell people about what is happening so you can get support and stay safe. Remember that this is not your fault, you are being totally reasonable with your expectations about the relationship and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 14/03/2014

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