HAVE YOUR SAY
Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships
If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board.
The chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.
Seen the ads? What do you think?
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?
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Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?
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Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?
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Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you've got something to say about abuse in relationships then you'll need to accept our terms before you can take part - please see our rules on the right side of the page. You can then enter your comments below or under any video you want to talk about.
pete thain
11/04/2012
the adverts offend me all the drug and rape related ones make me feel like im being stereotyped as a rapist and other such things i can apreciate the message but it just makes me really angry seeing it aimed at teenagers so heavily its like were all being stereotyped as some sort of menace i just wanted to let you know because im not the only one who thinks its upsetting
pete thain - 11/04/2012
ReplyAnonymous
11/04/2012
I don't know if I'm being abusive. She gets herself into trouble... she can be really rude at times, and I feel like i should take off my belt and beat her... but then some part of me feels bad when I'm doing it. I don't know.
one time, she hit me after I finished, and so i made her stay in my room, and when she came out she apologised and told me that she would never me rude again, but she still is. Should I just leave her, or tell her she's being rude? I''ve stopped beating now, but I just don't know how to tell her she's being rude.
Anonymous - 11/04/2012
ReplyHi Anonymous
Thank you for being honest and posting your comment on the forum.
It takes courage to admit that your behaviour is wrong and unacceptable. Using violence to control your partner is unacceptable. It’s turning you into someone you don’t want to be and will have long-term effects on your partner’s physical and mental health.
Being violent can also wreck your prospects. It can lead to a loss of respect from your mates, loneliness and trouble at school or work. To manage your anger safely in the short term, you’ll need to recognise the physical signs of when you get angry.
Once you notice any of these signs and feel you are likely to lose control, try to walk away. If you can’t, try calming down by taking a few deep breaths and relaxing as you breathe out.
Anger is not an excuse for being abusive towards someone and is never acceptable. The good news is that you can change, as long as you really want to. Contact Respect for advice on how to stop: www.respect.uk.net
Geri
11/04/2012
Last night my boyfriend woke me up at 2am to ask if I'd cheated on him in the evening because I was out with my friends all day and refused sex when I got back. I refused it because I'd eaten a big dinner and felt very uncomfortable. He insisted on putting his fingers inside me to check what I felt and smelled like and I felt really dirty, but because he's a lot older than me (20 yrs) he probably thinks this is OK. But I don't think it is, is it? He has cheated on me before but I would never cheat on him. It's really messing me up because he's never touched me without loving intent but what he did just made me feel cheap.
Geri - 11/04/2012
Replysecret
10/04/2012
Just over a year ago I left a relationship where my boyfriend raped me on a regular basis for over a year. It destroyed me as a person and still haunts me. I never spoke out at the time because I believed it was my own fault and now it is too late for me to make sure he can't hurt anyone else the way he hurt me. This campaign has been a very painful, sickening and unwelcome reminder of what I suffered but also of what I have inflicted on another girl by staying quiet. Speak out and be brave like I wasn't. my prayers are with all victims x
secret - 10/04/2012
ReplySara
10/04/2012
When i was 15 my boyfriend raped me. we were in my bedroom when my parents and siblings were out for the night. He told me he didn't want it yet, but he drank too much and he tied up my hands so i couldn't move and he raped, then left me tied up naked until my sister found me. I couldn't tell my parents as i knew it would tear them apart, but my ex-boyfriend wanted to get back together but i had to stay away from him.
If he hadn't of drunk that night he might not of raped me.
Just be careful when you drink, because you never know what could happen, or what someone is capable of doing.
Sara - 10/04/2012
ReplyHi Sara
I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you.
Although alcohol can affect people’s behaviour, it is the attacker who is committing the crime not the alcohol and it doesn’t excuse their behaviour.
If you feel you’d like to talk to someone about what happened to you, you can find details of specialist organisations on the Need Help page: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help
Meghan
10/04/2012
I have never been abused or sexually assulted but how can you prevent it from happening? Like, choosing the right boyfriend/girlfriend? All these horrible, scary stories are makng me wonder, why them in particular?
Meghan - 10/04/2012
ReplyHi Meghan
Most people aren’t in abusive relationships, but as you can see from the stories, it can happen, so it’s important to be aware of what abuse looks like. The Spot the Signs page includes behaviours to look out for: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse
Melissa
10/04/2012
I have been sexually abused before so I know what it is. I was at a friends party with no adults when her druken neighbour came into us, he started saying what he would like to do to me sexually and then felt me up in front of everyone, one of the girls at the party told the police about it, but they didn't do anything about it because I had to talk to them, so he got away with it. What shall I do?
Melissa - 10/04/2012
ReplyI was sexually assaulted one night, because of my personality everyone thought i was making it up to be spitefull, the police could not do anything as there was no evidence and everyone who was once my friend, turned against me in his defence... All we can do now is try to work through things bit by bit... xxx
Unknown - 11/04/2012
Hi Melissa
Reporting this to the police probably seems like a big deal. So before doing so you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page.
If you do decide to report it, most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help.
Lexi
10/04/2012
When I was 16, I went out with the most popular guy in school. He was hot and seemed nice at first. His best mate Jordan however did not trusted him at all, and said I should break up with him, but i said no. My boyfriend started to get abusive. He started to read my text messages and hit me. I never said anything to anyone coz I loved him. One day he hit me really hard, and I lied to my mum. Jordan noticed I was lying to everyone when they asked about my cuts and bruise. One evening there was a party. And my boyfriend at the time, made me go upstairs. He told me that if i didn't have sex with him, he would hit me harder and call me a slapper and break up with me. But I said no so he locked the door and ripped off my clothes and raped me. His best mate jordan broke in and took him off me. They were fighting. About 10mins later the police came and took him away. Jordan made sure I was alright and took me home. When I came back to school. about 3 weeks after this happened I started going out with jordan. He took care of me and gave me privercy. He let me do what I wanted, and never hit me or raped me. I wish i listened to him in the first place. I am noe 19 and still ina relationship with Jordan. He keeps on telling me that I am worth it and always says that I should take my time and no need to hurry with sex. I love him so much and I am going to stay with him, a Man I love and you takes care of me
Lexi xox <3
Lexi - 10/04/2012
ReplyI think its great that you've had a happy ending, I wish more people in the UK could stand up and do things like Jordan did.
Connor - 11/04/2012
DAISY
10/04/2012
I have a boyfriend and we'vebeen dating for 2 years now. He cheated on me at the start of our relationship and consequentley i developed an eating disorder and depression. He still checks my facebook, my phone and stops me talking to certain people. Sometimes if I've spoken to someone who he doesn't approve of he'll shout at me and throw things and grab me so that i bruise. This doesn't happen a lot but when it does I get frightened and he promises it won't happen again. He still flirts with girls and this makes problems worse, it makes me more upset and he gets angrey and pins me up against walls. Would anyonesay this is abusive?
DAISY - 10/04/2012
ReplyHi Daisy
The controlling behaviour you’ve mentioned is emotional abuse, and pinning you against walls and bruising you is physical abuse.
Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused could cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour and if the bullying is making you worried you need to speak to a trusted adult. If you need to talk to someone in confidence contact Childline on 0800 11 11 or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
nobody
10/04/2012
when i was younger i used to go to mosque the teacher there would do random searches to make sure that we was not hiding any sweets he'd touch us in places that i didnt feel comfortable with. he'd always sit near the girls and grope us, i told my mum but she brushed it off thinking that any 'religious' man wouldn't do such thing.
its obviously wrong i want to help people to show them being touched or groped when you dont like it is not right regardless of who they are.
nobody - 10/04/2012
ReplyNicole.
10/04/2012
I haven't told many people, only the people who are closest. I was seven when I was sexually abused, and it lasted until I was fourteen. This was by my Mothers boyfriend at the time, I'm constantly reminded of him, and everywhere I go I feel as though he's there. I'm eighteen now, and still the pain hasn't gone. It's not something someone can forget, or simply put into a box. But it's effected me in ways not even I can imagine; I'm unable to commit into a relationship, I struggle to even hold someone. I can't sleep at night and struggle to eat, suffering from flashbacks has now taken over my life; things my mind has subsided are now being remember by the simplest of things.
I think I need some help, and have looked into counselling although I have been under the mental health act; I don't see myself as being ready to talk about it, but it's like I'm alone in a world full of hate. I'm currently taking Anti-Psychotics, but I'm unable to see a way out of this mess. Is there something I can do?
Nicole. - 10/04/2012
Replyhi, nicole, i understand that these years have been somewhat traumatic.As a victim of sexual assault, i can only empathise what you are feeling now. what happened to you must of been very traumatic, it being your other boyfriend...someone you should of been able to trust but he abused that in every way. I truly agree with you that its something that cannot be 'forgot' or put in a box. i think sometimes people who have not experienced anything of this nature just expect you to move on, i remember a relative once saying that to me. Its not that simple, when something of this nature happens to a person , it takes a great amount of time and effort to come to terms with what has happened and it stays with that person for a lifetime. It is normal for you to be experiencing some of the emotions you are at present, something as traumatic as this doesnt go away. I think the key issue here is to find help or support sso that you can effectively come to terms with what happened to you and find ways that you can learn to cope with your emotions and everyday life. The fact that you have spoken out about what has happened to you means you have made the first step and progress with regards to getting some help. It says here that only people who are closest to you know, are you able to speak to theses people? are they people you feel comfortable speaking to, because i found that friend were a great help when coping with the consequences of what happened to me. There are also organisations that can help with regards to counselling to help you overcome and cope with such problems. you could try getting in contact with womensaid www.womensaid.org.uk. If you still feel unable to speak about what happened then writing down your emotions can help, i know it sounds silly, but it can be helpful.
Hope you get the help you need and deserve and look after yourself. Just remember your a strong person and a survivor.
all the best
laura
laura - 10/04/2012
Hi Nicole,
Thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.
Although you mention that you have already spoken to a someone about what has happened, we think it is important that even though this may have happened some time ago, that you should try to speak to someone about this again if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it and you must understand that this was never your fault.
If this has happened no matter how long ago please try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be anyone that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. You can contact the police immediately by dialling 999.
Rachel.
10/04/2012
Basically at a party I was tired and half asleep and a litle tipsy so I went to bed. My friend decided to sleep next to me in the bed which I thought was fine... he tried to make me him and I pulled away but he was strong and I ended up touching it. He also tried to put his hand down my pants but I pulled him off.And he kept pushing my head downwards.. I feel awful, i was scared and not really awake so I didn't leave like I should have.He's my friend? He told me not to tell anyone, I have a boyfriend too, I just don't know what to do, was it my fault? Thank you for your time.
Rachel. - 10/04/2012
ReplyHi Rachel,
Thank you for posting and sharing your strory.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape and it is a crime. You must understand that this was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust.
If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Alternatively you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
Sara
10/04/2012
Ok, I can't escape your advert. I've stopped watching TV completely, 5 minutes online and boom there it is. I'm all for making people aware (Even though your advert is sexist, I may be a girl who was raped but boys get raped too) I know people need to know it's unacceptable but for gods sake your advert is ruining me all over again. I've just started going outside alone, but as soon as I see that advert, straight away rape is all I can think about. Just do something else. I can see from the comments I'm not the only one who hates the advert.
Sara - 10/04/2012
ReplyCarlos Stein
10/04/2012
In 2009 my friend had her drink spiked at a new years eve party. I would to share this moving song I wrote to raise awareness of the subject.
Click on the link to see the lyrics & to listen for free:
http://soundcloud.com/unclestein/radical-romance-beyond-radio
Thanks for listening, be careful..
Carlos Stein - Vocalist & Musician
Carlos Stein - 10/04/2012
Replyanonymous
10/04/2012
last year when i was thirteen i was basically depressed and i cut my wrists quite a lot of times, i then met this boy through my cousin, he was 18, at first i said i was 16 for a joke but then told him i was 13 and he said we could still be friends, as we got to know each other he made me feel so good about myself and i loved the attention he gave me he actually made me keep going, we decided to meet up and we were talking about engaging in sexual activity and that it might happen, i didnt live in the same town as him so he drove to where i lived and picked me up and we went back to his, we went up stairs and started snogging and he started fingering me he then started to strip and he strips me too, he then said we should have sex so i agreed, when he put his penis inside me it really hurt, i'd had sex once before but it wasnt much and didnt hurt, this time it did, i wanted to stop and tried to get up but he wouldnt let me he grabbed my hips and was trying to convince me to keep going, he pulled me onto him and that really hurt, i hated it and wanted it to end, i tried pushing him off me and got the hint and pulled out, he then started fingering me again very roughly and it really hurt again. not long after i went to the toilet to get dressed, when i came out he was taking the piss out of me and was being patronising, he then gave me alcohol so i started drinking it, i started to get tipsy and his sister rang him to say she was going to be home soon so he told me we had to go, on the drive back to where i lived he kept trying to convince me to give him a blow job but i refused which annoyed him, he dropped me about 10-15 minutes away from where i lived and i had to stumble home. that night we were talking and he was saying that i looked and acted 16 and so he didnt feel bad that i was 13. i told him to stop talking to me and he started to send me messages saying 'i miss your p*ssy' and stuff so i told him to leave me alone! he eventually did. i told my bestfriend what had happened, but we then had a huge argument a few weeks later and she told this girl and she told EVERYONE, she even put it on facebook, but she only said i had sex with an 18 year old, everyone hated me and then my family found out and they hated me aswell (they still hold it against me now, they treat me like sh*t all the time and make comments..) months after my sister and i had a huge argument and she brought it up.. i got so worked up i went to the police station and told them what happened, a few days later a woman from where the boy lived came to get a statement and i had to explain everything, i could see the look of disgust on my mums face.. the 18 year old was arrested and taken into custody and questioned, he then found me on facebook and inboxed me saying 'the girl who cried rape. lost' . Months later a woman came to talk to me and she said he had said we didnt have sex and that i was forcing him to do stuff that he didnt want to do.. that just made everything worse.. a year later people are still bringing it up and judging me.. some times i cant even have sex with my current boyfriend because it just brings it all back(we have been together for 8 months)... i have only just explained it to him because i was worried he would judge me and i know he pretends to understand but i know he doesnt.. i just want to know theres someone else who understands what i have been through, i feel so alone
anonymous - 10/04/2012
Replyhi, im sorry to hear about your traumatic experience. What this boy did to you was manipulate you. No means no! And he had no consideration for that. It seems your experiencing a very tough time at the moment. I think the key thing here is to try and resolve things with your family. It seems that what your sister said to you was from anger as a result of an argument. everybody says things they regret or dont mean in anger, so please dont take it to heart.It can sometimes be extremely difficult to cope with other peoples comments and opinions when it is regarding such a sensitive issue like this. But just remember, they are probably talking because they have nothing else to talk about and they have no right acting or judging you in such a way because in reality they have no clue what happened, so really these are the fools. As a rape victim myself i understand the true aftermath, psychologically. I believe the feelings you are experiencing at the moment are normal for everything you have been through. Its just the issue of receiving help to handle these emotions.You also mention your attacker contacting you on facebook... he cannot do this whilst being under police investigation; this is breach of his bail conditions so maybe you should consider contacting the police about it. I understand how it is causing issues in your current relationship, what happened to you will stay with you for the rest of your life. However, i can assure you that things will get better, it may not seem like it now but they will. I didnt believe it either, but they did. I had similar issues in my relationship, but now i have found a boyfriend who i am completely comfortable with and who has helped me through everything. I think maybe it would be a good idea to seek some help such as counselling etc so you can effectively find coping strategies to handle your emotions. Just remember what happened is most definately not your fault and people have no right in judging you in the way they are. Your better than those, just remember that.
Hope things start to look up for you soon
laura
Anonymous - 10/04/2012