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This is ABUSE

Help uscall outabuse

HAVE YOUR SAY

Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships or ask a question to one of our trained advisors

If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board. And if you’re worried about anything to do with abuse, whether it’s in your own relationship or a friend’s, you can ask one of our trained experts for advice.

Have a read through the discussion boards, the chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.

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  • Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape

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  • Abuse in relationships isn’t always physical

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  • Would you recognise abuse if you saw it?

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  • Emotional Abuse

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  • Controlling Behaviour

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  • SPOT THE SIGNS OF ABUSE IN A FRIEND’S RELATIONSHIP

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  • Mandem On The Wall

    A trio of friends meet at the place they love to jam - The Wall. Tinie Winie has a new girlfriend and with advice from the Mandem crew learns how to treat her with respect. The trouble is he gets it wrong and ends up becoming someone he doesn't want to be....

    [134 comments]

  • Twist and Pulse

    Twist and Pulse visit George Mitchell school to perform their latest dance routine for the pupils and talk to them to see if they are in the know about relationships.

    [0 comments]

  • Charlie McDonnell

    Watch Charlie McDonnell’s video about Sex, and most importantly, about Consent.

    [0 comments]

  • Bedroom

    Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?

    [156 comments]

  • Liam & Beth - Recognise abuse when you see it

    [8 comments]

  • Ryan & Jade - Recognise abuse when you see it

    [5 comments]

  • Sam & Alice

    [12 comments]

  • If you could see yourself

    Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

    [538 comments]

  • Zoe's story

    Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.

    [538 comments]

  • Party

    Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?

    [100 comments]

  • School

    Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?

    [79 comments]

  • Takeaway

    Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?

    [169 comments]

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

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Results: 135 - 150 of 2036

  • cathy

    03/03/2014

    9th August 2012 i met this guy on a site that my friend suggested to me as she had it herself, he started taking to me and i really liked him he liked me, my mum warned me about not meeting people online but we just kept talking and i thought we clicked, that a spark had happened it was like true love to me as he seemed perfect in every way possible. It got to the point where we decided to meet up i told my mum as i tell her everything cause a mother is like a best friend i was scared to go on my own so i asked my mate holly to come with me. I waited for him at the train station, i was nervous. i met with him and he was perfection i thought my life was going to be much better with him in it, he was my world UNTIL,
    he was looking for a job and was struggling i helped him, it was stressful for him as he was learning to drive aswell and being 15 at the time i couldnt do that much, i gave him a lollipop for his birthday he treated me like i was his world. about 3 months into the relationship i noticed a change from being his everything i was or felt at the bottom of the pile, yes he was hard working and wanted to see his friends but he hated texting me he cut down on the cute paragraphs i got every morning and night and we argued every single day when i tried telling him how i felt. on my 16th birthday i found he made a new account on tagged calling this girl sexy i started to doubt we was cheated as he denied it all.
    IT GOT WORSE i finally told my mum that i wanted to sleep with him as i felt he was my everything and i wanted to spend my life with him after that he wanted sex all the time :( i just did it cause i loved him. then the pictures started i hated my body like i do now but i loved him i thought sending him pictures was okay but i wasnt. next the insults started i stopped backcombing my hair and wearing eyeliner cause he didn like it. he called me fat saying i dont want you looking like your mother. i felt uncomfortable round his family as everytime we argued i got the blame when they didnt know how i felt yeah its your son of course your going to believe him
    I MADE A BIG MISTAKE my confidence was brought down as well as my self esteem this was during my exams my head was not in the right place and i made a big lie about him saying he was an alcoholic, yeah he took me to pubs with his Friends but it was wrong i wanted him to feel shit like he made me.
    it got to the point that his family was in my face cause nobody knew how i felt my head was in the wrong place his family kept saying oh whats he done nothing i bet it was nothing to do with them i told them to keep their noses out but i knew he would blame me and not even own up to his own mistakes. i ended it when he told me when he first saw me he only wanted sex and that i looked like a scruff and that i was mothering him and that i was too clingy he kept making me feel like a bad girlfriend and a mistake. he hurt me abused me mentally he only hurt me once when he took my phone and i took his and he grabbed my wrist with force it left a mark.
    2013 i was still in love with him we broke up in may after my prom i found out after a month he jumped in a relationship with this girl amber i was jealous i told her how much of a d**k he was and that everytime i was upset my mum had to be there cause he wouldnt then she kept going on about oh were engaged and having a baby. It got to the point when she made up things pretending to be me and that the police were going to be contacted to get me done for harassment his family was on my back again until the truth came out they had to apologize i felt like saying get your facts right before you blame me but i didnÃt. They finally broke up as they both cheated on each other i felt sorry for her cause of what he did to me so was there for her. His mum said he was a better man they i will ever be yet all he did was a lie.
    it got to the point where he missed me and asked to be friends with benefits i told him no we agreed to me civil friends but all he did was hurt me
    2014 this year i asked him to deleted me of everything but he insulted me saying i was flat chested i started cutting cause i thought i was ugly and that nobody wanted me he was never sorry for what he did he said he had been through it himself if so why do it to me i hate him and his family im scared to bump into to him whether ill hit him or cry i trusted him and his family but they all turned i told him to leave me alone on new years eve as my new years resolution to have a better life without him

    cathy - 03/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Cathy,
      Thanks for sharing your story. Many victims of domestic abuse suffer low self-esteem and confidence but this due to the behaviour of your abuser not you. I am happy to hear that you have found the strength to move on from the abuse but I am also worried that you have self-harmed as a way to cope with the abuse.
      I would suggest you contact www.womensaid.org.uk who can offer support and advice around the abuse you have experiences. I would also suggest you contact you local GP regarding self-harming and they will be able to refer you to a counselling service.
      Stay strong
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 03/03/2014

  • Fran

    03/03/2014

    I was 14 years old and it was the first time id ever got drunk and I was seeing this guy at the time. Without knowing at the time he was under the influence of drugs and I went back to stay at a his friends house with him and my my friend. I was in a room with him by my self. He started touching me and I was okay with that. I was very drunk at the time, I couldn't really walk or talk very much as of how much him and his friends forced me to drink at the party. When I got back to his friends and we had done what was said above he said do you want to have sex and I didn't reply because I was too intoxicated to reply. He then put his penis inside me and started trying to have sex with me. I was telling him to stop but he didn't untill I screamed but before that I went into a moment of shock where I couldn't do anything but there must of been a point where I over came that. He then stopped and in the morning I realised that I had blood in my knickers and that he had popped my cherry. I can't trust my counsellor as she tells my parents. I don't want to tell them now As I do have no proof of the incident as it was a long time ago. After he had done that I stopped talking to him and a week later he rang me and said one more second in and it would be rape. As I was naive at that age he was able to twist my thoughts into thinking I wanted it. I did have many mental break downs after it such as suicidal attempts, anxiety and panic attacks. I am not able to walk past a group of men on my own without panicking. I am slowly getting better. As I didn't tell anyone at the time I have no proof and everyone knew him so when I tried to tell someone they was like I've known him for ages so he wouldn't do that. I have attacks and his voices in my head and if I can give advice to anyone don't do what I did. Tell your parents and tell the police as the effects after are worse if you don't tell anyone at all

    Fran - 03/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Fran,

      Thank you for your message. You have experienced something very traumatic and it takes great strength to share what as happened and reach out for support. You have done that here and that’s a brave thing. There are service out there that can offer you some help.

      You were raped and when you tried to tell someone you were not believed. That’s really hard as what happened to you is a serious crime and has after effects that can be really paralysing. All the things you are describing feeling are common after a person is raped. It sounds like you have been coping on your own with all this, keeping in bottled up and not feeling you can trust anyone to talk to. You have been so strong to cope and to post here giving advice to other people.

      You say you can’t talk to your parents, and you have tried to speak to your friends but they were not supportive. Have you thought about speaking to anyone else about this you can trust, a teacher or a trusted adult or even your GP. This is a lot to carry on your own. If you don’t feel you can talk to someone you know I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis. They are a completely confidential service that works with women and girls who have experienced rape and sexual violence. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30 & 7 -9.30 everyday). You deserve support for what you went through – it is obviously affecting you a lot.

      I have included some information here about the effects of rape you might want to have a look at.

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_rapeAndTheEffectsOfRape.pdf

      http://www.rasasc.org.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/rapeCrisisSouthLondon_postTraumaticStressDisorder.pdf

      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like some more support.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 03/03/2014

  • Gemma

    02/03/2014

    If you are both underage and one person doesn't want to have sexual intercourse but the other person does and forced his partner into sex, is this rape? and could both of them get into trouble for disobeying the law and having underage sex?

    Gemma - 02/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Gemma,
      Thanks for getting in touch. Everyone has the right to say no to sex, even if the other person is your boyfriend. If a person is forced into sex then this is rape and a criminal offence.
      It is against the law to have sex under 16. If you are under 16 and your boyfriend is older he could be charged with rape if you have a sexual relationship.
      For more information you can contact www.rapecrisis.org.uk or visit our live chat sessions Mon-Fri 5-7pm
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 03/03/2014

  • Anonymous

    02/03/2014

    I am now 18, but when I was 15 I got talking to this guy on the internet! Nothing dodgey to start, we were both just playing the same game online and became friends.. We then started to text, when I then found out he'd lied about his age. He was 19 and told me he was 16, because we were friends I didn't mind! A little while went by, and then he started to tell me he loved me! As a 15 year old girl, this was amazing.. Having some one interested in me - especially an older guy! He kept asking for pictures.. So I did!! I remember not feeling to sure if I should do it, or if it were the right thing.... But I didn't want to let him down or loose him as a friend. This went on for a few months and I then realised it was wrong. I told him I never wanted anything to do with him again. I still occasionally get texts from him, but I pretend that I have deleted his number so don't know what it is. A few months ago I got a new phone, and didn't transfer his number over. I'm petrified that he still has my photos, but I have no way of finding out. I realise now that the way he treated me was wrong.. But I'm still scared and nervous that one day my stupid childish past will come back to haunt me. I'm not sure what I should do or want to do! I can't talk to anyone I know about it as I have no one I can tell in confidence. I need to move on with my life but I feel it is holding me back.

    Anonymous - 02/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anonymous,
      Thank you for your message. I can hear how distressed you are by the thought of these pictures not being in your control and it’s understandable. You were a child when they were taken and shared and had been manipulated by an older person. What happened to you is not our fault.
      Your trust was breached and that’s a hard thing to cope with. You sound like you need to discuss this with someone. You can call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk about this if you need a place to go share what has happened to you. You may also want to have a look at the information contained on this site:
      http://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/OnlineSafety/Pages/Sexting.aspx
      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk more about this.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 03/03/2014

  • Benjamin

    02/03/2014

    I just want to know for sure if what my friend is going through does count as abuse.

    okay so she has been dating this guy for 4 months now and at first it was fine she would not stop talking about her now though they have been arguing a lot more and it seems her boyfriend uses his emotional states whether it being depression, sadness or anger to get an apology out of her or to instil a state of guilt in her so she gets depressed and self harms and then apologises and this whole process starts again he is also paranoid about anyone knowing about their relationship recently he argued with her because she went to her friends for relationship advice and despite the fact everyone agreed she hadn't done anything wrong she still apologised when he said "you told them that means you don't really love me" as a result she cut herself and was depressed and then apologised. he also began controlling who she talks to he said not to talk to his ex gf despite the fact that he still talks to her and they are in the same home economics class. I think its emotional abuse and so does my friend but i want to be sure

    Benjamin - 02/03/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Benjamin,

      Thank you for your comment. I can hear how worried you are about your friends and you are right to be. The things you are describing are emotional abuse and what is happening is not ok.
      I can hear how worried you are about what is happening and it is understandable. It sounds like your fried is in a vulnerable situation and needs some support. You obviously care about her a lot and it’s important that you are there for her and she knows she can turn to you if she needs to. Let her know she can talk to her and you will not judge her. You could also talk to her about seeking some emotional support for herself, as self-harming is serious and shows she is really suffering from the abuse. The national helpline is available on 0808 2000 247 and she can call them anytime.

      When we see a person we care about in an abusive relationship we may want the person just to leave straight away. But that is a choice only the person in that relationship can make. There is a friends and family section of this website you might want to have a look at.

      www.womensaid.org.uk

      Have you spoken to anyone else about this, such as family, a teacher or a trusted adult? It sounds like a lot for you to be carrying alone? You could also direct her to this website to have a look at the stories on the talk boards, as it may help her recognise that what is happening to her is not normal and is not ok.
      We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk more about this.
      Take care,
      Becca

      This is Abuse team 03/03/2014

  • Rebecca

    01/03/2014

    I have been in a relationship for over 5 years and I for the past few months I have not wanted to have a sexual relationship however my partner continues to ask me everyday and when I say no he screams and shouts, calls me names says everyone else does I don't know if I am being selfish and he has a point I just don't want to do anything sometimes and everyday I am getting treated badly because of this he will ignore me and make me feel bad. I don't know what to do.

    Rebecca - 01/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Rebecca

      Thanks for your message. I am sorry to hear that you are having these problems in your relationship but what you are experiencing from your partner is emotional and verbal abuse. It is not acceptable for your boyfriend to pressurise or intimidate you to the extent that you feel you need to have sex him - this is abuse. Its little wonder that you feel so confused and upset but its very important that you understand this is not your fault.Have you been able to speak to anyone about this? I think it would help if you could perhaps do this, maybe with a close friend as situations like this can be really isolating and it would be good for you to have a bit of emotional support for yourself.

      It might also help if you looked at a couple of websites ( www.womensaid.org.uk and www.respectnotfear.co.uk) which might help you consider other aspects of your relationship as its important for you to weigh up what the benefits are for you in this current relationship. Also if you call the national helpline on 0808 2000 247 they can advise you of any local services in your area that could offer you some advice and support. A healthy relationship should be built on respect and value for each other - your boyfriends behaviour that you describe is more about his needs and wants rather than considering yours and why the sexual side of the relationship seems to have changed for you. This is something you could discuss with staff at your local sexual health clinic whose services are all confidential and they are used to supporting many women who have experiences similar to yours.

      I hope that you are able to confide in a close friend ( i know that can be scary to do but often its a relief afterwards too as well) and get in touch with some services that can support you

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 02/03/2014

  • anon

    01/03/2014

    I was with my partner for 25 years and he was very nice to start with gradually becoming abusive more and more after about ten years, though I think the signs were always there as he said he'd "let" me go out with friends etc, telling me what to wear, when and when not to put make up on etc. As time went on he began to be more and more controlling, stopping me from seeing friends if there was a man in their house, keeping me in the house locking me in, stopping me from running my business and hiding the keys or he would threaten to kill our pets if I left. He would time me if I went to the shops saying there would be trouble if I took longer than neccessary, Ban me from talking to any men even if they said hello I was to ignore them., He gradually started to drink really heavily losing his job because of it and used to spend most of my money on alcohol even stealing it from my ................ at the time. If I refused him he would smash things in the house or take things to sell to get money. As a result I lost my business and have been left heavily in debt. I moved into the spare room but he would lie beside my bed crying or shouting for hours that he wanted me to sleep with him, threatening suicide. If I refused he would wake up our daughter who was........at the time,telling her he was going to kill himself and...... He would tell her it was all my fault. There was several suicide attempts which I believe were to get sympathy as he always would tell people what he was going to do, sometimes arranging the tablets along a wall outside in public. The last couple of years with him were a nightmare as he would mix me up making me feel like I was going mad, changing his likes and dislikes and rules so I got mixed up causing more abuse, Most of his abuse was mental and didnt become physical until near the end of our relationship. He would regularly smash up items in the house or throw things, break windows etc if he lost his temper. Myself and my daughter never got a proper nights sleep for months. Every time I tried to leave him he threatened that he would kill members of my family and said that wherever I went he would always find me and destroy where I lived for the rest of my life. There are so many other things he done to rule me that it would take several pages to write it all down. The police were called several times the last when he was in the house I was advised to get an emergency injunction which I did, Even then he would stalk me as near to the house as he could get. He has been in and out of prison after breaking the rules of the injunction several times. Finally I was asked to give evidence and he is not allowed into the town I live in indefinitely. He tells everyone he is the victim and has lost everything. The police had recommended Womens Aid who were a great help and support as were the police. I would advise anyone to contact womens aid even if you are still in an abusive relationship. I went through a great course that taught you how to recognise the signs of a control freak from the beginning. After doing the course I realised that even though he was lovely from the start the signs were all there. I am now in another relationship with a lovely man who my daughter loves and is the total opposite and lets me live freely and peacefully the way everyone has a right to. He says that no human has the right to tell another what to do. It was hard to get the courage to get out of my relationship but was a big relief when I finally did.

    anon - 01/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hello Anon

      Thank you so much for your post and having the courage to share so much of your experience with others. This relationship was clearly a terrible and harrowing experience for both you and your daughter and it was such a relief to hear that you had the determination to seek support and rebuild your life again and are now in a happy and safe relationship.

      Your story illustrates some of the dangerous behaviours that are associated with abuse such as stalking and threats of suicide. I am sure many people looking on this site will read your post carefully and perhaps associate with your experience. Equally they can see that there are services out there that can help, like the police and women's aid as its so important that people realise this and have an opportunity to access these services.

      Once again thanks for sharing your story with us and I hope life continues to improve for you

      Take care

      Linda

      This is Abuse team 02/03/2014

  • Edav

    01/03/2014

    I started seeing a guy in October 2013 and today I've said it's over that's why I'm writing to tell woman out there your not alone and if you feel the way I have it's not your fault don't make him manipulate or emoutionally blackmail you like I have had from this guy! I'll tell you the signs to watch out for and get out before it's to late.

    So it started we met on a night out drinking .. Went back to his and it was fine, we got on great I even opened up to him about my mum passing away two years ago..

    I went to his to have a takeaway and get to know eachother it was freezing outside so I didn't want to go out! .. We stayed and chatted for hours had so much in common he said he lost his uncle and he spoke of how brave I was and how strong I was. I then went to sleep at his he brought up how many guys is slept with so I told him and how I have been a bit naughty this year! But before losing my mum I was with a guy with a house mortgage I wanted to let me hair down I wanted to be selfish until I could find the 'right' guy to settle down with i tried explaining that but that's when he started being aggressive your a slag, ew your disgusting.. I left instantly no one calls me that he followed me in his car I thought weirdo! Met him twice luckily he lost me and I got home and didn't speak to him for a week.

    Then I felt an almighty urge of guilt thinking well why did he talk to me like that maybe i am dirty and slag like he said I am? I want to settle down maybe he was right. I went back ... My sister got upset she could see he was controlling from day one.

    It basically escalated that I had to lie to him about little things because I as scared of his reaction. I would delete conversations with my friends about meeting up because I was worried he would think I'm meeting another guy??. He then would grab my wrist when id try leave I fell back and hit my head and cried he would be apologetic and say u know I didn't mean to do that didn't you? .. I believes his lies he was blatantly speaking to other girls .. He would turn up at my car park at work without notice .. Text me querying why I was online on what's app .. Call me names .. Tell me I couldn't wear certain clothes say I look chavy when I wore trainers and I needed to wear heels it's classy lady like because he likes that I changed my whole appearance my hair colour my wearing of eyelashes just to please him. But I aparently still didn't care about him and I was sleeping with someone else? It got to the point he would ask when I was back from my friends and if I didn't say a time he would insist on a time so I would say I don't know 11/12 ish and if I was later he would tell me his done with the relationship and then twist it on me saying I'm selfish I don't care about anyone saying I use my mums death as an easy route out, excuse .. He pinned me up against the wall saying he loves me he love wouldn't let me leave my friend was there luckily called the police his now been let out sufficent evidence even though he gone done with the same thing for his ex and nothing's been done .. Now waiting for the next girl to be hit or whatever makes me angry. I have so much support from friends and family which he isolated me from for four months .. Get out while you can!

    Edav - 01/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Edav,
      Thanks for sharing your story. I’m saddened to hear that you have been through such a difficult time. From the start of your relationship there were signs that this person was abusive but you like many others were unable to see this. Very often abusers will find our vulnerabilities and use them to enable their control over us.
      It is so good to hear and also empowering for other who may ready your story that you have found the strength to end the relationship. However for some there are so many barriers which are in place that leaving is not an option. Leaving an abusive relationship is a different experience for each person.
      If you have experienced or are experiencing abuse I suggest contacting www.womensaid.org.uk who can offer advice and support, they also have a 24 hour freephone 0808 2000 247.
      Best wishes for the future
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 02/03/2014

  • Anonymous

    01/03/2014

    This is very difficult to do but being open about what I'm experiencing is long overdue. I have been with my partner for 7 years. Most of the time he's fantastic he's been there for me many times. But in hindsight I've invested so much in him that my relationships with friends have died out. I'm very family orientated and spend a lot of time with them which sometimes causes problems with him. If he's not invited somewhere I am he'll make me late or start a fight over something silly. He spends everyday with me so I often feel smothered. Hes been violent from the beginning but over the years the incidents are getting worse. In the first year it was a push nowadays it's 1000 times much more. It's quite hard to even document it. I've told him I'm scared for my life and I know one day I'll die from what he puts me through. Because it's getting worse he justifies his action by saying I provoke situations or he'll say give me a hug look what you made me do. It's hard to leave and he knows I fall back on my word so uses it against me. With age he's accepted he has a problem but won't get help, for long spurts he controls himself which usually means my belongings get broken or ruined. He likes to be in control and tells me he's the man as much as he can. He's dead between the eyes when he does these things but is careful that my family never find out. He's done things in public. I've had little old ladies offer to take me into their house for safety. The longer it goes on the less he cares. Part of the reason I stayed is because of how he turns things around and the progress he's made but every slip up gets worse. He's a victim of violent abuse but only I know of this. It's 99% good but the 1% is becoming more dangerous each time. I'm not sure what to do next he won't let me talk to anyone about it and the one friend I did tell spread rumours about me. I can't tell anyone because they will make me leave without hearing the full story. He often calls me names and tells me I'm worthless etc and because I have low self esteem I believe him. I've tried killing myself so it's all over and he's protected but I can't do that to my family that would be selfish of me. I'm trapped in a vicious cycle and I'm fresh out of ideas.

    Anonymous - 01/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Anonymous,
      Thank you for being so brave and contacting us. The behaviour of your partner towards you is for one reason only and this is to have total control over you and everything you wish to do. Very often there will be times when abusers can be ‘Prince Charming’ but this is still part of their way to have control over us as they are giving us hope that one day they will see through their promises to change and stop the abuse and be a loving partner. This is never going to happen.
      It is very common from abuse to escalate from verbal to physical but please know that this is never your fault or anyone else fault other than the abuser. Part of breaking away from the abuse is recognising that you are in an abusive relationship; the biggest sign of this is fear of your partner. Having this relationship is unhealthy and dangerous. Living with abuse effects us in many ways, emotionally it can leave lifelong scars.
      I’m really concerned that you feel the only way out is suicide. I would strongly recommend you seek support and advice from your local domestic abuse service or www.womensaid.org.uk , 0808 2000 247 (24 hours) they can provide confidential advice and information.
      I also suggest you contact your local GP regarding your suicidal thoughts they can help by referring you to support services such as counselling.
      We run live chat sessions Mon-Fri 5-7pm which you can also use.
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 02/03/2014

  • Dee

    01/03/2014

    I understand that these adverts are meant to raise awareness and help those who have been through it but every time I hear/see them it hurts me so much and brings back all the horrible memories. I hate hearing that r word, it's the worst sinking feeling. These adverts always come out around the same time of year as my attacks, I swear. For me, it actually makes everything a lot worse when I thought I was doing okay. But I am so glad to see that it is helping others and making people realise that it is a big deal and is more common that you know

    Dee - 01/03/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Dee,
      Thank you for your post. I understand how hard it must be for you to be reminded of your experience. Many victims of rape or sexual assault can feel a range of feelings such as anxiety, stress, fear and also self blame making it difficult to cope. It is natural to experience these feelings but it is important for people to seek support, which is one the aims of this campaign.
      For those who need support I recommend contacting www.rapecrisis.org.uk or 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30, 7-9.30pm)
      Take care
      Sarah

      This is Abuse team 02/03/2014

  • Anon

    28/02/2014

    Hi. I know I'm in an abusive relationship, I just don't know what to do. I was raped at an early age and never told anyone. I then went a bit crazy with sexual partners and have since had counselling and come to terms with the fact that I had so many conquests because of "reclaiming power over men". I met my partner and things felt amazing, I felt I could be the person I was always wanting to be (relaxed, laid back, not needing to please). For some reason I told him about the rape and he was very upset for me, he wanted to make it all better. Things moved fast and we had a wonderful happy 6 months and he proposed and I said yes. We had had a conversation before getting engaged about past partners and I had not told him the correct number because of my shame. Shortly after getting engaged the conversation came up again and I said the numbers I told him were wrong and he went crazy. He chased me round the room, pinned me against a wall, shouted in my face and pushed me to the floor. I had not told him everything because my mum had always said "what they don't know won't hurt them". We carried on with our relationship and it was bad for a long time (6 years or so), this was on and off - it wasn't constant. Things then seemed to improve. They were good for a long time. We had a child. As soon as the baby was born it started again. A specific past relationship being questioned. I couldn't tell him the answers to his questions because of fear of being hurt. I lied again, but admitted sleeping with this person. Things were crap for a bit but then improved again and we were really happy. We moved house so we could get into good schools and I conceived again. He wasn't happy and was distant throughout my pregnancy. We argued a lot and he even once told me he hoped I die during childbirth. We had our baby and things were ok for a little while. Our first born got into a school which wasn't our first choice so we were a little annoyed but it is a good school so we weren't too bothered. Until we went to the welcome meeting and one of the parents turns out to be the one person from my past he has a real issue with. He walked out of the welcome meeting and went to sit in the car, the whole time sending me nasty text messages. He now makes nativities and parents evenings the most feared events for me. He will not let this issue go. He says its my disgusting fault he can't enjoy his child schooling. He has said he is disgusted that his children have come out of 'there'. For 2 weeks now he has been quizzing me about my past and I just cannot tell him anything. He keeps saying "if you have anything to tell me that you think I need to know, that you know is important to me, then you will look at your children and guilt will make you tell me". I do still have things I have not told him but I have read so much info that says "your partner does not need to know every single piece of your history". I'm having a real battle with myself. I'm not sure I love him anymore and my first born has witnessed some arguments with things happening like the remote being thrown at me. This will damage her. Should I tell him everything, risk being hurt but get it out of the way and move on for the kids? Should I leave him and have to tell the kids that mum and dad are seperated because mummy is a liar and then risk them hating me for it in later life? Am I being daft? He said I have ruined his life and he is going to tell anyone who will listen the truth about me (family, work, school). But then he changes and says he loves me and is very calm and says he just wants to move on and that he is devoted to making us work.
    In the past most of the time it was verbal abuse, shouting at me and calling me names. We have had physical fights. Early on he was the only physical one but then I started fighting back (I'm not a small weak person, and I used to do martial arts). I've had black eyes and bruised arms and legs, he even made me wet myself once. I have broken his nose and punched him in the face though. Am I just as bad as he is? The police were called out to us once, I was devastated! We are both from well off backgrounds. Mine a little better than his. His dad was abusive to his mum though and they are still together and he can still be nasty. I never thought my life would be like this! I don't want to be a single mum, my kids didn't ask for this!! I should of left him before they were ever thought of!
    Please help me. I can't tell my mum because she hates him and would pack mine and my kids stuff up and bundle me round to hers. But then that sounds great doesn't it? But then I would never have an amicable split and visits and things would be horrid!
    What do I do?

    Anon - 28/02/2014

    Reply
    • It’s brave of you to post and I can hear that you have been through a lot in your life and in your relationship. What is happening to you is not your fault, your partner is abusive. Nothing you have done gives your partner a right to abuse you verbally or physically. He is making you feel like this is your fault but it is not. He is choosing to be abusive. When you fight back you are protecting you. It’s completely different from you being an aggressor and starting fights.

      Do you have anyone in your life you trust? Friends or family? If you cannot talk to anyone you know I would encourage you to call the 24 hour domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. They will be able to give you support and advice and help you decide how best to keep yourself safe. You can also look on this website www.womensaid.org.uk to find out more about domestic abuse and the support available to you in your local area.

      You also mention that you were raped at a younger age. That’s a very serious thing to go through. I’m pleased to hear you have had counselling. If you feel that this is something you still need support about you can call Rape Crisis. You can reach them on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm). The helpline is strictly confidential and they will be a good place for you to explore how you feel about telling your boyfriend and how you can manage the feelings it brings up for you.

      You have understrandable fears about leaving your partner and the impact on your children. There are also impacts on seeing your mother being abused. This is something you will need to discuss with a helpline or someother support servie. I have included a website here you may want to look at for more information about family law.

      http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

      You do not deserve to be treated the way you are, you haven’t done anything wrong. Your partner is fixating on a past relationship and using it as an excuse to abuse you. I can hear that you are under a lot of pressure and was wondering if you have discussed how you are feeling with your GP. They may also be able to refer you to support in your local area.

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Anon

    27/02/2014

    Hi, my friend is has been in an abusive relationship for two years. He has a go at her daily, calls her nasty names, insults her, mocks her, as well as checking her phone constantly, he tracks her location and often hacks her facebook and reads her messages. He won't let her go out if there is a guy there, he's deleted all guys off her facebook, except her dad and he doesn't even trust her brother! He won't let her see her friends without permission and he has to approve her outfits, if not he'll call her nasty names. If she doesn't answer her phone he won't have a go at just her, but me, even if I'm on the otherside of the country, asleep. Not just him who emotionally abuses her, but his mum. She often makes her cry and recently they've been making nasty comments about her family.

    She says he didn't turn nasty until six months into the relationship, but I saw the signs even then. He was questioning who her male friends were, even her uncles! He would often ring me, if she was at work, to go 'check' on her. He got annoyed if she was with me and soon she had to ask for permission to see me. The controlling behaviour soon shifted to me as well, as I found out her tracked/checked my phone and would often question who I was seeing. I decided to remove myself from their relationship as much as I could, without sacrificing my friendship.

    She's now lost most of her friends and she's beginning to push away her family, they've tried to show they're worried but he found out and now she says how 'they're attacking them' when really all they showed was concern. He has now asked her to move in, far away, which is a massive worry for me as he'll often kick her out if he's not happy about something. She thinks she can change him and puts his behaviour down to 'normal'.

    I'm extremely worried about her and I'm beyond the point of knowing what to do, apart from offering my support.

    Anon - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • Dear Anon,

      Thank you for your message. I can hear how difficult this must be for you seeing your friend in this situation. You are obviously able to support her as much as the situation allows, which is important, as she needs people around her that will be understanding and not judge her while in this relationship. Which sounds exactly what you are doing.

      It seems that you have been able to talk to her about his behaviour in the past but it is something that she has brushed off. If she feels she has to defend her partner, even when he is wrong, it may not make her open to discussing the situation. In a gentle and non-judgemental way you could discuss respect in relationships with her and ask her how she feels about the situation she is in. If she does not want to talk about it let her know that you are always there for her.

      When we care about someone we can want him or her to end an abusive relationship quickly, as we don’t like to see him or her hurt. However ending it is something only your friend can do in her own time.

      Let her know that you care for her and will always be available for her to talk to and there are places like this website, which you could try to guide her to so she could see other people’s experiences that mirror her own, and the domestic abuse helpline she can contact (0808 2000 247) It is important that she has people to turn to that she can trust, and you are one of those people.

      You may also want to look on this website for more information for friends and family of people in abusive relationships.

      http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080023

      Take care,

      Becca

      This is Abuse team 28/02/2014

  • Lowry

    27/02/2014

    I was in a 6 month long relationship with a boy who had been in Relationships before, whereas I hadnt (he was 14/15. I was 13). From the very beginning of the relationship I made it clear that I had no desire to take part in any sexual activity but he openly admitted that he wanted to make me his "little slag" from day one which put me off a bit. It took him 4 days to sort of convince me to do some stuff. After that I asked if we could slow things down and I put my foot down against going any further, but he came up with "whatever happens, happens. Isnt that right?" Apparently it was the motto to our relationship and he made sure that something would happen EVERY time.. he started to only invite me over his and we would never go out or socialize, that way he could have me in bed. He never asked for consent he just assumed. I was never comfortable with being with him.. I recall saying NO to at least 2 incidents which turned violent and were 100% sexual abuse.. but apart from that i only ever hinted that I didnt like it- "maybe we should just give it a rest for a few days", "i dont know" "it makes me feel dirty"- I didnt have the guts to say NO because he said hed split up with his last girlfriend for being too frigid and at the time I was being bullied by my only friends so he knew that I relied on him for a lot of support, he knew the bullies well, and he often reported back to them things Id said about them and he also disclosed information about our sexual relationship which was later posted online. l felt very alone and confused. He made me feel like I was only good for one thing.. once I decided to end the relationship I lost control of my mental health, I started sleeping around, drinking, self harming and developed anxiety, ptsd and severe clinical depression. He has never seen our relationship as anything more than normal which has been my only doubt that it wasnt abusive.. I kept in contact for a while because he was always saying he missed me and loved me but was never shy about the fact he wanted to use me for sex. It has been 2 years today since we broke up and I need answers about what happened to me.. was it in fact abuse? Could it have been unintentional? Why doesnht he see it as abuse? If I was to report him what would happen because I know 10001% he would deny it and I am petrified of not being believed. I am under camhs and on anti depressants and am trying to recover but I cant do that if I dont have some kind of closure! Thank you for helping :)

    Lowry - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • hi Lowry

      I am so glad you got in touch, well done for being so brave - it can be really hard to talk about things like this but it is so important to get some support.

      What this boy did to you was abuse - both sexually and emotionally. You do not have to say no to not consent to sex, and it sounds like you made it clear that you did not want to do things, so by forcing you or carrying on anyway when you were upset this is rape.

      I am glad you are no longer with him but I know that abuse can have a long lasting impact on us and I am not surprised that you have had mental health issues and started self-harming and drinking etc. I am concerned to hear about this though - it's great that you are being supported by camhs, do they know what happened? I think a good place to start is to tell them about the abuse. This will help them understand where you are coming from and they can support you with whatever you decide to do. They can also refer you to a local support service.

      It is totally your choice if you want to report this or not. I understand why you need answers. I think that unfortunately most people who are abusive think that their behaviour is normal and acceptable. There are lots of reasons for this but in reality there is never a reason for abuse and the only person responsible is the abuser themselves. In order to change, they need to accept this responsibility and be willing to change. It is unlikely that this will happen without some professional support for him.

      But the most important thing is your safety and wellbeing now.
      This page gives you some info about what happens if you want to report, you can also contact them for support - they have a helpline and can tell you where your local centre is. If you do decide to report it then they will support you with that.
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/reportingrape2.php

      Please do talk to the people at camhs and think about contacting rape crisis. I know it is scary but you are doing the right thing by talking about this now. Whether you report it or not, you are being really strong and brave and with help you can rebuild your life,
      I hope this helps
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 28/02/2014

  • Anonymous

    27/02/2014

    I was at a party with some friends and I got drunk, as did most other people. I liked one of the guys and he liked me, we were sat in the corner snogging and everything was fine. He put is hand down my pants, I told him not to do anything and told him to stop, but he carried on and he ended up fingering me. I don't really remember it but I know it happened and I know I said no, does this count as rape/sexual assault? And what should I do about it, should I tell anyone?

    Anonymous - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi
      This must have been scary. You clearly told him to stop and he carried on which means it was sexual assault.
      Does anyone know what happened? Do you think you can tell anyone - someone in your family or at school? I know it can be hard to talk about but often it helps to talk to be able to work out how you are feeling and to start to feel safe again.
      What he did was wrong and in no way your fault. Have you seen him since?

      We have a live chat on here every mon-fri from 5-7pm if you want to talk to us more about this. There will also be local support services - you can look up your nearest one here:
      http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364

      There is also some info on this site which may help:
      http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/gettinghelp2.php

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 28/02/2014

  • Jacqui

    27/02/2014

    Hi I recently heard your advert on the radio and thought I would check this campaign out. I have been with my husband for 7 years and only been married for approx 18 months. I stupidly left my children (they were teenagers) & ex-husband when we first met. We argued from the beginning over silly things and I was always finding myself saying sorry, when deep down I knew I had done nothing wrong. My husband had been married twice before, and was always putting down his second wife, who I have become quite good friends with and now I can see that it was always him in the wrong. He also has no real friends, has fallen out with his daughters from his first marriage. He twists things and blames me, he is manipulating and controlling. I have to pay half on everything even though he earns much more than me, I havent seen his payslip for a few years now. He constantly complains about paying the bills and says he has no money. But owns 2 cars and 2 super bikes. He is jealous about me having any friends. He hads taken a dislike to most of them. He has accussed me a few times of fancing other men which is a complete lie. To other people who dont know him he appears charming. He has a fowl mouth constantly swearing. He got worse as soon as we got married in 2012, with the bad temper, putting me down. He even punched a hole in a door. Im frightened to mention that my friends have asked me to go out, I often have to pick the right time to tell him. Sex is when he wants it and how he wants it. He constantly complains that the house is dirty, I work full time and have to travel, I clean the house religously, and wait on him. He also cleans from time to time, and he will cook a meal maybe once a week. But Im not allowed to interfere with his cooking. I have also caught him looking at my phone. The worse thing is that he snaps if he doesnt hear the right thing, he controls the T.V. We had another upset this week, when again he snapped at me for no reason Is the way he says things that really hurts. Ive told him how I feel and again he blamed me. Ive decided this is it anymore and Im going to leave him, and I know deep down he will never change. Im lucky that I have support from my sister and friends.

    Jacqui - 27/02/2014

    Reply
    • Hi Jacqui
      Thanks for your message. It sounds like things have been really hard for a long time. Your husband has been abusive in lots of ways including financially and emotionally.
      I can understand your decision to leave the relationship and it is really good that your sister and friends are supportive but I also think you will benefit from some support from a specialist organisation. You can call the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247 to get advice and find out about local support options. You can also google the area you live in and 'domestic violence support' and it should give you info on local support services.

      Do you have a plan in place for when you leave? Sometimes it can be safer not to tell your husband that you are planning to leave as this could make him more abusive. Will you have somewhere to go? It is a good idea to pack a bag and leave it at a friends house - make sure you have all the important documents, passport, medication etc that you will need. There are some tips here on how to leave safely:
      http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/keeping-safe/

      If you want any legal advice you can contact 'rights of women' a female team of lawyers who specialise in these issues and offer free confidential legal advice: http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php
      020 7251 6577

      We also have a live chat service mon-fri from 5-7pm.

      I hope this helps,
      take care
      Jo

      This is Abuse team - 28/02/2014

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