HAVE YOUR SAY

TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

If you've got something to say about abuse in relationships then you'll need to accept our terms before you can take part - please see our rules on the right side of the page. You can then enter your comments below or under any video you want to talk about.

• Young Girl

  14/05/2012

  I was very close friends with a guy from when I was about 13/14 til I abruptly stopped our friendship shortly before I turned 16 . I had invited him over one afternoon to do revision. My parents were both in and we just started revision on the couch in my study . Many times he had asked me to be in a relationship with him but I always said no as I only liked him as a friend but he was always persisting and going on about it. He started feeling me all over my body whilst we were sitting and I asked him to stop but he didn't, this went on for a while until my parents came in and announced they were going out for a while. I couldn't have been in a worse state. My then friend insisted we go upstairs as I hadn't given him a full tour of my house yet so we went upstairs in my room and he pushed me down on my bed and I asked him to stop what he was doing so many times but he didn't and it got worse. He started fingering me, quite violently and I kept begging him to stop but he had a gazed look over his eyes as if something had changed him and he wasnt himself. He caused me to start really heavily bleeding and once he realised that, he knew what he had done and couldn't stop apologising, I did the only thing I thought was right and asked him to leave and I cut him out of contact from me and all if my friends. This happened just over a year ago when I was 15 and I haven't been able to trust a guy since and I've only told 2 of my closest friends as I was so ashamed of myself for letting this happen. Is what he did sexual assault or was he not to blame because I know that he loved me and the last thing he would ever do us hurt me. Please give be some advice on what to do because I'm still not over it and I miss him as a friend still but I don't think I could ever forgive him for what he did .

  Young Girl - 14/05/2012

  Reply

  • Hi Young Girl
    
    Thank you for your comment and I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to you.
    
    Firstly please remember that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done.
    It might help to talk to someone in confidence. They will be able to guide you and offer advice.
    
    You can call ChildLine on 0800 1111 or go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
    Alternatively you can call National Freephone Rape Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
    

    15/05/2012

• n/s

  13/05/2012

  I would like to see police forces receive training on traumatic bonding theory. It is all to common for victims to return to an abuser for many reasons. However if a victim has shown such behaviour the police will take the victim into a room away from witnesses and tell them that they won't believe anything they say in the interview and then they won't collect any evidence. It would be good to see clinical psychologists involved in police investigations of rape and abuse to assess why victims have acted in a way that is not usual following an incident

  n/s - 13/05/2012

  Reply

• James

  12/05/2012

  I just checked out your dream boyfriend/girlfriend websites and I noticed that on both sites, the male is the aggressor. Why is this? Can't females be abusive?

  James - 12/05/2012

  Reply

• Vicky

  08/05/2012

  i went out with a guy for 2 years and we broke up just two months ago,if i wore a dress he would call me ugly just so that i wouldnt wear it and he would snatch my phone of me and break it with my card aswell so i wouldnt talk to anyone or wouldnt let me on the internet,he would push me away from all my friends and try to manipulate me to stay with him and if i ever answered back he would grab me by my throat or pull my hair and even punch my face and this happened 2 months ago again before we broke up and i still have bruises on my body and then he tried to pull me back in the relationship by saying nice things and he use to force himself on to me and threaten me that he could get any girl he liked and he would leave me if i didnt sleep with him,its been two months and i still feel ashamed and i harmed myself because of it and im 17,i still feel wrecked and i stoped eating and going out and i cant seem to get my self back together please help..

  Vicky - 08/05/2012

  Reply

  • Hi Vicky
    
    I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been through.
    Its good you’re now out of this abusive relationship but there is no reason why you should feel ashamed. Try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable with. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and that you feel comfortable with and trust. Talking about it may help you move on.
    
    You can also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
    
    You mention harming yourself. You can get help and advice at http://www.selfharm.org.uk. The Samaritans may also be able to help, take a look at their website at http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ or email jo@samaritans.co.uk. You can also call the Samaritans helpline on 08457 909090.
    

    09/05/2012

• Lauren

  06/05/2012

  Here is a poem I wrote about my experience:
  
  His number sits upon the chair,
  
  How did you end up getting there?
  
  Are you addressed to me inside,
  
  or instead to the body I hide?
  
  The muffled music hits my ear,
  
  I listen to the words I hear:
  
  'I love the clothes you wanna wear,
  
  I wonder whats up under there."
  
  Is this the world in which I'm destined to live?
  
  Cause I can't forget. I can't forgive.
  
  The grasping hands, the greedy eyes,
  
  the ripping of my trouser thighs.
  
  I wish to be one with the darkening sky,
  
  It feels no fingers up its spine.
  
  How nice I'm sure that it must be,
  
  To be loved for what we cannot see.

  Lauren - 06/05/2012

  Reply

• Daan

  05/05/2012

  I laughed so hard when I saw your campaign. Females happen to be more violent towards men than vice versa. Look it up.

  Daan - 05/05/2012

  Reply

  • You make a fair point that women can be violent too but don't you think it is disrespectful to the womens lives that have been ruined by these crimes to laugh at their pain. yes both sides should and must be addressed but simply dismissing one gender as the other isn't getting enough attention is not helpful. you should encourage the publicising of one in order to get a step further to the other getting helped too.

    El - 12/05/2012

• anon

  03/05/2012

  Why the advertisements only depict men being violent?
  
  Please, don't even say "women cannot legally rape men" (only in UK) because this is supposedly about abuse, which can be both ways.
  
  Which is even worse, is that you made two websites, dreamgirlfriend and deamboyfriend, and BOTH depict men as violent. If you had only made dreamgirlfriend, well, it's one thing, but depicting men as the violent one in both sites, now that's sexism and abuse. Even worse coming from the government.
  
  If you had any shame, you would fix dreamboyfriend version.

  anon - 03/05/2012

  Reply

• A Mum

  30/04/2012

  My daughter reported a historical rape-it happened when she was 17 and she reported it when she was 20,on the advice of her counsellor.The treatment she recieved from female police officers and senior officer was disgusting,they even rang her when they knew she was on holiday and asked why she had been posting things on Facebook(it wasn't her!) She has said she wished she never had reported it. We have sooo much to learn....

  A Mum - 30/04/2012

  Reply

  • I am very sorry she had this experience. I reported a historical rape in 2005 and had a similaer experience the female police officer took me away from my friend who had come with me for support and took me into a room on my own and told me she was not going to believe a word a would say in my interview. As such I refused to give any detail when I was interviewed. I was raped again in 2010 and due to the experience I had in 2005 I refused to report the incident. However I worked out a year later that the person was connected to a gang that had abused young girls and I felt really guilty not reporting it.... however again I experienced an absolutely appauling procedure from the police. They arranged to interview me three times and never showed up for any of the times they arranged with me.

    Anonymous - 13/05/2012

• Anonymous

  30/04/2012

  i was raped 3 years ago i never really got over it. i never spoke to anyone about it and havent been able to have contact with a guy since. im really confused with my emotions is anyone else feeling like this??

  Anonymous - 30/04/2012

  Reply

  • Hi, well done for being able to share your story. It must be so hard to go there in your mind. Rape is illegal, it is a form of violence against women. You could contact your local rape crisis centre or childline. They don't just help people who are in the middle of bad situations, they are able to help you even if it happened years ago. They may be able to offer you counselling and also support you if you wanted to go to the police. It is not surprising that you are feeling confused and it would probably help to talk your emotions through with someone who you can trust. I hope that you are able to find the help you need.

    Rachel - 13/05/2012

• anon

  30/04/2012

  not long ago at a party i was forced into bed by someone who tried to have sex with me, the whole night i was trying to get away and eventually managed too after being physically and emotionally stopped. not long after i went back there, being told the person was not there however when they turned up i passed out and was carried to a bed by them i woke up to him having sex me but was too out of it too move or stop them and passed out again. he knew this was not what i wanted as i had told him previously, is this anything serious?

  anon - 30/04/2012

  Reply

  • Yes! This is incredibly serious, you need to go to the police before he does it again, either to you, or to someone else. I'm so sorry about what you have been through :(

    Lauren - 06/05/2012

• Reubs Walsh

  30/04/2012

  PS - I'd like to know what is being done to make sure (cisgender)male and transgender victims of rape or abuse will receive support? At present most centres are women-only, and the ones which aren't segregate by sex, causing problems for trans victims. ALSO it is my belief from knowing the women (as it happens - most of my friends are!) I've known who've availed themselves of these services, that segregation by sex just creates a new problem of associating the opposite binary sex with being abused because if they went from an abusive mixed-gender environment to a supportive, unabusive mixed-gender treatment environment, any associations between the opposite sex and the abuse would quickly dissipate. Of course, there is an increased risk of abuse victims becoming abusive (via PTSD-like processes) so possibly this would necessitate heavier staffing but that would cost money, better that than costing lives!

  Reubs Walsh - 30/04/2012

  Reply

• Reubs Walsh

  30/04/2012

  I'm impressed by this. I am often cross with the Govmt and the courts for their handling of rape issues; for instance, chemical coersion means women can rape men, but the conviction rate is even poorer than for the male-rapes-female paradigm. I'm also cross that the definition requires a penis entering a vagina or anus- it's a very heteronormative/phallocentric view of what affects a person. 'Grey rape' (emotionally/manipulatively coerced) is always going to be hard to prosecute and prevent but this awareness project will help with the latter at least. Good job folks!

  Reubs Walsh - 30/04/2012

  Reply

• rebecca

  30/04/2012

  6 months ago when I was 17 I went to someone I know's house who is 23. He had a wife and a baby (the baby was in the room at the time) so I wasn't expecting the visit to be anything but friendly. We watched TV for a while but then he asked me for a cuddle, and then for a kiss, which I was reluctant to give but way too scared and shy to say no to. Before long he wanted more things and lay on top of me preventing me from moving, and began getting annoyed with me not reciprocating. I ended up going along it just so it would be over and we went to his bedroom. I feel like I'm not sure if this counts as rape because if I hadn't been so shy it wouldn't have happened, I said I didn't want to but I didn't clearly say no.

  rebecca - 30/04/2012

  Reply

• Emma

  30/04/2012

  These Videos are brilliant and harrowing. I dont think enough people know the realities of rape and sexual assault. I didn't realise that this had happened to me until I was doing some research into it. I'm now getting counselling because it hit me so hard. Saying no must must mean no.I am so pleased that the home office are putting such a lot of effort into making that clear, especially to teenagers!

  Emma - 30/04/2012

  Reply

• Rhiannon

  30/04/2012

  I'm 17and i had sex with man at a party last year and he was 32 we were both drunk and ended up having sex in a toilet cubicle not the best place ever but after a bit he started to try and put it in my anus i felt uncomfortable because although i had sex i wasn't ready for that sort of thing yet and i kept telling him to stop and told him not to but he carried on and because i was so uncomfortable it just made it hurt more. I didnt realise this was rape until my current boyfriend told me that even though i'd let this guy have sex with me it didn't give him the right to do that and that he should not have taken advantage in the first place. Iv only told my friends and my boyfriend because im so embarrassed and i feel that its way too late for any sort of action against it. My boyfriend now is so loving and caring and we are so happy i just i did something abut this months ago to have some justice against that pig.

  Rhiannon - 30/04/2012

  Reply

  • I think you can still take action if you want to, and would encourage you to do so if you think it would help your recovery but do remember that the conviction rate is low, so there is a risk that you mightn't get the result you're hoping for, especially if you were drinking illegally and sexually active, as it is my (v limited) understanding that lawyers will use that to blame the victim. Worth at least talking to police though I'd say. I was raped in a not dissimilar way 4 years ago and was told I could still take action but from what they told me I thought I'd be the subject of cruelty from the defence lawyer (I'm transgender and polyamorous, so they'd make out that equates slutty, which even if it did isn't valid but I think it'd still be permissible) so I didn't bother but anyway if it would help you you should at least find out, they'll give you advice and help you make the best decision for your needs.

    R x - 30/04/2012