HAVE YOUR SAY
Tell us what you think about abuse in relationships
If you've got something you'd like to talk about regarding any kind of relationship abuse, come and Have Your Say on our message board.
The chances are you'll be able to talk with someone who's gone through similar experiences to your own.
Seen the ads? What do you think?
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Is controlling who a partner sees or speaks to abuse?
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Sex with someone who doesn't want to is rape.
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Is putting pressure on someone to have sex abuse?
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Is bullying, controlling and putting a partner down abuse?
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Is insulting and threatening a partner with violence abuse?
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you've got something to say about abuse in relationships then you'll need to accept our terms before you can take part - please see our rules on the right side of the page. You can then enter your comments below or under any video you want to talk about.
carla
12/06/2013
I've been with my boyfriend for a while now and were really starting to get serious, im 14 and hes 16 but he doesnt pressure me into anything. We have had sex twice and we do other stuff but i dont really mind. im just worried that if one day i dont want to then he will be upset. i have been told by people that hes sex obsessed and lies but to be honest hes so lovely to me and doesnt force me into doing anything. he is a bit all over me though, whenever we meet up it always ends up in us doing something sexual. dont get me wrong he doesnt pressure me or force me into it but he does always start it and im scared to say no in case he gets upset. i just dont want to break up with him because i think i love him and i think he feels the same way. the first time we had sex he did ask but he did it in a way that i couldnt really say no because he was already there...i didnt know what to do so i just went with it. is there anything i can say to tell him that i dont feel ready for this yet without losing him or him getting upset? thanks.
carla - 12/06/2013
ReplyHi Carla
Thank you for your post. If you’re being pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with or don't feel ready for, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.
If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.
If this has happened to you, we would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Also remember that if you have been sexually assaulted you can speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help.
This Is Abuse team - 13/06/2013
Phillip
08/06/2013
So my last night my ex got really drunk and started sending me loads of nasty messages. Calling me a slut, saying I'm a bad person and that I've made him very miserable, but in a really horrible and offensive way. Firstly, is this insulting illegal? I know it is if he does it again- as it becomes a course of conduct for harassment- but what about just the one off? Secondly, how to make sure it doesn't happen again? How can I get him to move on from me? I've been very clear that 'we are never ever getting back together.'
Phillip - 08/06/2013
ReplyHi there
We’re sorry to hear you’ve been suffering emotional abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.
We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk in confidence about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 24-7. You can also find a range of other support networks who will be able to provide you with the information and support you need here: http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help
This Is Abuse team - 10/06/2013
macie
06/06/2013
right i donno if this is abuse or not but my and my boyfriend have been going out 3months now and we have has sex on a few accation but i never agree to it it just happens and i feel bad to say no i feel he will end it and if we do brake up tell peopel about what we had done and then i will be know as a slag&stuff but im 13 and my boyfriend is 15 we started out just friends and things progressed but the frist time i met him i was very easy i kised him within the frist 5mins of meeting him and i am worried that he is just using me but he has explained that he loves me and that but i donno of to beleieve him as i have been in a abuses relationship before and that is how it all started i feel comftable around him but am just a bit worrried of the consequnces if i say no to him but me and himm do love each other well thats what he says but can you help i donno if i should say no of not
macie - 06/06/2013
ReplyHi Macie
Thank you for your post. If you’re being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.
If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.
If this has happened to you, we would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Also remember that if you have been sexually assaulted you can speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.
This Is Abuse team - 07/06/2013
Alice
05/06/2013
Hey everyone,
I just wanted to give a message to everyone who's struggling or has struggled in the past with relationship abuse.
Hold on - it will get easier, but you have to take action. I've been through hell with my now ex-boyfriend, I'm not going to discuss the details of my abusive relationship however I do wish to express my deepest confidence in every single one of you who is suffering. You can cope without him (or her) , and when you do finally get away, you will look back at yourself now and be so proud of yourself for finding that strength and endurance. Do not underestimate the power of friendship, the chances are he's isolated you, but if you reach out for one of your past friends, they will grab your hand and pull you out of the darkness, they can be a massive source of strength, especially when they begin to understand why you are no longer close.
Sometimes it's difficult to see yourself as in an abusive relationship, its "different" when its happening to you compared to someone on the telly. But try and look at your situation in the third person- if one of your family members or friends were being treated the way that you are would you want them to stay with their partner?
It can be risky business getting away from your partner in some instances , for example where you feel like you will be endangering yourself or your family by family. This is one of the reasons why it is important to tell someone you trust about your situation and what you want to do. Your safety needs to be a priority.
Every single one of you has the strength inside you to get away. You're on this website, that means you've made a huge step-you've identified the problem and been brave enough to consider how you can help yourself. Stay strong and remember that you are NEVER alone, despite the isolation, you remain in the hearts of your family and friends, and other people like myself who feel your pain and wish to support you.
Best of luck to everyone, whether you're away or not...don't let yourself believe you're not strong enough- you are!
Alice - 05/06/2013
ReplyJoey
04/06/2013
I've been in a relationship for around 5 weeks now. My girlfriend, Emily, dad cheated on her mum and she said she would never cheat because of that. However, my concern is that when we're at a party together and I touch her around the hip sometimes the bum and stand with her for a bit she questions "Who is that?" She doesn't question that until about 5 minutes. It actually quite annoys me. What should I do about it? Also, some other boy was comparing his muscles to her boobs and she just let him. We're both 15. Another story is that I think she is very controlling, I was a boy who used to drink, smoke and do drugs. Since I've been with her she goes crazy at me if I even touch any of it. What should I do?
Joey - 04/06/2013
ReplyHi Joey
Thank you for your post. If you're a young man who's experiencing controlling behaviour or violence at the hands of your female partner (and this may include being pressured into sexual activities you don't want) then it may be especially hard for you to tell someone. Some people have told us that they would feel less manly if someone knew that were being abused by a girl, that it would be shameful. And others have told us about situations where their female partner threatened to tell authorities that they were being abused by them in order to keep them silent.
Talking about what's happening is really important and you can get help if your partner is violent, controlling or sexually abusive. Try talking to a trusted adult. If you don’t think you can do this, you can speak in confidence by calling the helpline for males experiencing domestic abuse. Call freephone 0808 801 0327, email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk
SurvivorsUK supports adult men over the age of 18 who have experienced sexual violation at any time in their lives. They offer a helpline for male survivors, their friends, family and carers on 0845 1221201 (Mon/Tues 7-9.30pm and Thurs 12-2.30pm) and a London based counselling service offering low cost individual counselling and group therapy: www.survivorsuk.org / info@survivorsuk.org
Dudley Safe and Sound partnership have also produced a video which provides advice for male victims of relationship abuse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-U2ue-QmU
anon
02/06/2013
hey guys, i'm 13 and i need help you see my parents divorced just under 4 years ago and my dad found someone which was the reason of their divorce anyway in the process i gained a step brother who happened to be slightly older than me. the fist few months where amazing we were like best friends and to this day everyone still thinks we are but one night when we were about 10-11 i cant really remember because it was a while ago we were watching a film in our shared room and because we were only kids we shared a bed and whatever we had a babysitter in and she was downstairs asleep well we were upstairs watching this film when i could feel something going up my leg towards my clit and it was his hand and i dint feel comfortable so i pushed him off and he kept trying and being young i didn't understand so i let him and he fingered me there and then and ever since then he continues to be very sexual towards me and on a few occasions hes raped me and i really do want to tell my dad but don't want to ruin his relationship because they are all very settled and they are engaged, so i don't know what to do? any advice it would be very much appreciated
anon - 02/06/2013
ReplyHi there
Thank you for your post. What’s happened to you is horrific and we are truly sorry to hear how you have suffered. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. It’s important to understand that what happened was not your fault; there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
We would urge you to find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, it’s really important to speak up about what happened. You have the right to be safe, and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 in confidence to talk; nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help – if you’re unsure you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect before you make the call to the police. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page here - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help.
If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the police on 999.
Rachel
02/06/2013
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and when it's good it's really good but when it's bad it's awful. It just seems like sometimes he wants to start arguments or if he's annoyed about something he takes it out on me. I am really struggling tryin to cope, I don't know what to do. I have had broken bones in the last 3 years and mentally feels down and depressed. I thought I could cope at 1st because I thought it would pass but it hasn't he just says sorry all the time but sorry doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I get called all sorts of names like fat and ugly. The attitude can be the worst somedays but then he can switch off and be normal again. I can't help but stay because I don't have many people I can turn to and plus I built my life around him now and would have to give up everything and I don't really want to admit to my family that I failed
Thanks
Rachel - 02/06/2013
ReplyHi Rachel
Thank you for your post. We are sorry to hear you have been suffering physical abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.
It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
You can also hear from a survivor of domestic violence here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7a8fsrPEaYQ&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=3&feature=plcp
Teresa
01/06/2013
I was 14 when my 17 year old boyfriend pressured me into sex. I never wanted to have sex or even thought about it. He just kept trying. I would say no and pull his hands away at first, but eventually I stopped fighting. Everytime it happened I always just lied there and he used me. My body language never said I wanted it. I know I just let him use me because he was my boyfriend and I couldn't fight him off anymore. He would get me alone when my parents weren't around and there was nothing I could do, he was older and bigger and I couldn't fight him off. Was this rape?
Teresa - 01/06/2013
ReplyHi Teresa
Thank you for your post. What’s happened to you is horrific and we are truly sorry to hear how you have suffered. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. It’s important to understand that what happened was not your fault; there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
We would urge you to find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, it’s really important to speak up about what happened. You have the right to be safe, and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 in confidence to talk; nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline in confidence to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
You can also speak to the police about the assault. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help – if you’re unsure you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect before you make the call to the police. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page here - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help.
If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the police on 999.
?
30/05/2013
compared to all these other comments on here i don't think mine is actually abuse but i'm not sure. Ive been with my boyfriend on and off for about a 17 months, we're both 16 and we do argue quite a lot but he never admits to being wrong. he has never physically hurt me but he does emotionally hurt me by calling me names and says im a slut a lot because he thinks ive cheated on him when i havent. once he even threatened to kill me but over time he made me hate myself so much that i actually wanted him to kill me. he is very controlling and doesnt let me speak to or see any other boys because he says he gets jealous but then he tells me its only because he loves me and apparently he gets scares about me being with other people so thats his excuse for being so possesive. i know that he does love me and i also love him and i want to be with him but all my friends dont like him and they say my relationship is unhealthy for me so i dont know what to do.
? - 30/05/2013
ReplyHi there
Thank you for your post. We’re sorry to hear you’ve been suffering emotional abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.
We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk in confidence about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
Sarah
27/05/2013
I don't know where to start? I have been in my relationship for 15 years! I don't even know if this is the right place to be, My partner loves me I know that but sometimes he can be so horrible, it used to be so much worse but now it is far and few between but when he gets angry he can be so scary. He pushes and hits and says some horrible things. No one knows what its like and all our friends are jealous of the relationship they see we have, over the years I have made excuses and laughed off the bruises, He was my only proper relationship, I left him once and moved out, the problem was I met a guy who was nice and listened I thought I found a friend soon enough I found out that he was no better he rapped me, I had no one to talk to and got back with my partner. I spent 4 years in hell he called me all the names under the sun, when I got back from work he would wait until I was in bed and wake me up to start, smash things and its always my fault, hurt me but I made him and I had to admit my part in him losing his temper. He blames his messed up childhood I know his mum didn't care and his step dad beat him loads I feel so horrible but I am finding it harder to care. He self meditates with weed he takes money all the time for his drugs but when I say anything he tells me that I buy cigarettes so I can't say anything. Things have been better, he said last time he will get help he hasn't yet but even when he gets mad he holds his temper better. TBH I don't know why I am writing this I just think I wanted to get it off my chest I'm not sure I could of said all this down the phone in a conversation. I don't care anymore and know how to keep things on a level. Sorry for going on so much but I feel like I needed to vent.
Sarah - 27/05/2013
ReplyHi Sarah
Thank you for your post. We are sorry to hear you have been suffering physical abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.
We’re also so very sorry to hear that you’ve been raped in the past. We think it is really important that even though this may have happened some time ago, you should still try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship, and about what’s happened in the past. It could be a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.
Being over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge). You can also call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
You can also hear from a survivor of domestic violence here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7a8fsrPEaYQ&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=3&feature=plcp
Sammy
27/05/2013
I wish I had actively seeked more help when I needed it the most this site has really put to rest alot of whats been going on in my head.
Just over a year ago I was in a very committed relationship with a man I swore was the love of my life. Its so hard to believe how short our relationship lasted and how fast the abuse started.
He was charming and seemed to be looking for everything I was it wasnt long after we moved in with eachother that things got bad.
He would yell at me, call me names accuse me of cheating on him, of wanting to leave him, of telling people he was abusing me.
It esculated, he started grabbing me by the hair refused to let me leave the house during an arguement, would stand on my feet and scream at me.
Pretty soon I wasnt allowed to leave the house without him, talk to family or friends. Sexually I had to please him whether I felt like it or not, to be honest there was alot of sexual abuse but Im to scared to go into much detail.
Every day I lived terrifyed he was gona wake up and tell me it was gonna be a bad day, because all hell would break loose.
He would belittle me and embarrass me at work and in public and when I conceded to all his wishes became impossible to deal with. He began making up ridiculous reasons to be mad at me, one time he copyied a picture off the internet of a woman who didnt even look like me and went into a rage about a "photo" he found of me with another man.
He started slapping me and biting me, he ruined my life and made me dependant on him.
One night he completely snapped and pulled a knife on me if it wasnt for the actions of other people living in the apartment building I to this day dont really know what wouldve happened.
Now I am in a dilema he wants to be back together he says hes changed Ive been trying to give it a shot but everything keeps coming back to me.
I feel depressed and scared, I dont know what he will do to me or my family if I cut ties with him. Hes threatened in the past to burn down my grandparents home, stab my mother, kill me and him both. Hes threatened to stalk me if I left him and to never leave me alone.
What do I do? Its been a whole year since our initial break up and Im still hurting.
Sammy - 27/05/2013
ReplyHi Sammy
Thank you for your post. We are sorry to hear you have been suffering physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour. Emotional abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.
If you were forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you didn’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.
It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s happened in your relationship. It could be a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.
Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused could cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour and if the bullying is making you worried you need to speak to a trusted adult.
If you’re over 18 and live in the UK, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
You can also hear from a survivor of domestic violence here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7a8fsrPEaYQ&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=3&feature=plcp
Rita
23/05/2013
I don't know what I'm doing writing on here, but I felt I needed to get it off my chest as I don't talk about it people.
I used to date this guy who was both manipulate/controlling and physically abusive. I just had no idea. I felt I deserved all of it as I was very depressed at the time, and would sometimes have hysterical moments. Even now, I can't see that it was 'bad'. It was my first serious relationship. I suppose now I'm nervous about entering any other relationship in case I slide back into 'shrugging' my shoulders at the abuse. Because for some reason, I don't see it as abuse until I bleed.
I don't know how to change my mindset. Thankfully I broke up with him when I was travelling so there was no way for him to try and get to me.
Anywho, I just wanted to say thanks for this website, it's encouraging to see this being made aware.
Rita - 23/05/2013
ReplyHi Rita
Thank you for your post. We are sorry to hear you've suffered physical abuse in the past. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.
We think it is really important that even though this may have happened some time ago, you should still try to speak to someone you trust about it. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
Hayley
23/05/2013
I've never really had the thoughts or opportunity to actually ask myself what domestic violence is. I now realise that I am actually a victim but when it's happening to you, you never know,
Thing thing is, we actually adore each other and have been together 2 years but ever since around about the second year, things have changed. My boyfriend constantly loses his temper with me saying I have wound him up too much, this then causes him to push me,grab me and also hit me with full force, I never want to feel like I'm getting 'bullied' so often I try and stay strong but so many times I have just hysterically cried and shouted.
Once both have calmed down he then also crystal and pulls his hair out over the fact what he has just done to me. Saying 'it's not him' etc.
when arguments aren't involved we have the best relationship anyone could ask for, surprisingly! But we've spoke about this and he needs me to help him, but how do I help him? Because I have feelings and I can get wound up too and really want this relatio ship to work,
Hayley - 23/05/2013
ReplyHayley - I pray for you to be strong and confident. I think you should leave your boyfriend, even though you love him. men who "lost his temper" aren't prone to changing. so sad to say, but that's the true. firstly, you should help yourself. you're worth a better relationship, without violence. not every man "lost his temper" in the way your boyfriend does. hope you'll be ok :*
Joan - 25/05/2013
Hi Hayley
Thank you for your post. We are sorry to hear you have been suffering physical abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.
It’s very important to try and find someone you trust to talk to about what’s been happening in your relationship. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there, you’re not on your own.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge).
You can also hear from a survivor of domestic violence here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7a8fsrPEaYQ&list=UU697e0rGEZK8tO-qmFN6kag&index=3&feature=plcp
Kaya
21/05/2013
I've been reading through the many stories on here and felt like I should share my experiences, I was in an abusive relationship and I honestly understand how hopeless it can feel, my now ex suffered from depression and took it out on me for two years. His torments included forcing me into sex, lying to make me sleep with him, he eventually hit me and would constantly make me feel inferior and alone making me think I was 'abnormal' for being upset about what he'd do to me. Due to his torment I developed all sorts of problems, both physical and mental, when it was going really downhill I honestly felt the best thing would be suicide. I am so glad I didn't take that route, things only got so much better after getting rid of him. I've become closer to friends, closer to family, I've been sorting my problems out and I'm looking forward to my future so much, something I really wish I had realised sooner is that it wasn't my fault how he was acting, he was too self obsessed and I was too considerate of him- too empathetic, trying to always see things his was. That simply meant he had two people caring for him and no one caring for me (or that's how it felt), you have to put yourself first in these situations. It's not your fault and you don't deserve this, but you have to remember that the only person who can save you is yourself. Others can help but you have to accept the help and do what you have to do in order to get out of this situation, there is light at the end of the tunnel and when you get there it is amazing. If your strong enough to put up with this abusive partner then you sure are strong enough to get the hell out, you may feel helpless but you aren't. Let them go completely. I hope this will help someone, good luck x
Kaya - 21/05/2013
ReplyI saw your post and I feel this is the exact same thing I was dealing with. My boyfriend was always 'poor me and my problems' and expected the world to feel bad for him even though he had all the tools he needed to make his life better, he just expected me to go out and make the money and pay the bills and do the shopping and cook his dinner and give him pocket money and expect nothing in return but the occasional bath. He soon started stealing from me and taking loans out in my name and hiding the post so I wouldn't see on the statement (thank god for online banking). He starting gaining weight and getting really depressed. He would go out drinking and doing drugs to keep himself entertained and I was his nurse when he was hungover the next day. He would be so argumentative and I would have to take it, if I tried to argue back he would throw hid abusive childhood in my face. He used this an excuse. He was excellent at manipulating people to get what he wanted. I sank into depression but was running on auto pilot because I couldn't stop working, I had responsibilities. He then went on to rape me twice, and I realised it was time to leave. Its only now after the relationship that I see how bad things were and I am recovering from the emotional scars. I have a new boyfriend now and he is everything I could ever want and more. I told him about my previous relationship and he is very patient with me especially physically and sexually as I am struggling to allow myself to be intimate with someone after for almost a year sex was a chore. I hope you find the strength to move on and gain back the confidence this man took away from you. What's funny is now I actually realise how pathetic he is, and I hope you realise that too.
Charlieb - 22/05/2013
Hi Kaya
Thank you for your post and sharing your experiences. We are so very sorry to hear about these distressing incidents from your past. We think it is really important that even though this may have happened some time ago, you should still try to speak to someone about this if you can.
Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. Please understand that this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
No matter how long ago it happened please try and find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.
If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.
You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted.
Jess
19/05/2013
Hi everyone, I'm stuck. I've been with my boyfriend for two years, he's three years older. I'm still in high school and I can't talk to anybody, no guys or girls. It feels really bad because everybody looks at me now like if I have some kind of disease or . Nobody ever gets close to me anymore. I can't have a Facebook or twitter either. He gets mad cause I love wearing cardigans and he says I show too much but I'm covered up. I cry every day in the shower because I don't wanna be with him anymore but he tells me he loves me and just doesn't wanna lose me. Idk what to do! I have nobody at all.. It's hard to walk away.
Jess - 19/05/2013
ReplyHi Jess
Thank you for your post. We’re sorry to hear you’ve been suffering emotional abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal, it can damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of this type of abuse can include someone putting you down, calling you nasty names, trying to control you and preventing you from doing certain things or making you do things you don’t want to do.
We would encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to, it’s important you speak up about what you’ve been going through. This doesn’t have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, you have the right to be safe and help and support is out there.
If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk in confidence about any problem. No problem is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.