SOME FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Below you'll find answers to all the most commonly asked questions about abuse in relationships. If you can't find the answer you need then please click here to see a list of registered charities that can help you.
What is abuse?
Abusive behaviour can be:
• violent (hitting, kicking, slapping)
• emotional (humiliating and putting you down)
• sexual (forcing you to do sexual acts you don’t want to)
Abusive relationships can start with verbal or emotional abuse and could happen to anyone (including those in same-sex relationships). It can often escalate into physical abuse, by which time your self-esteem is likely to be damaged.
Some warning signs of potential violence and abusive behaviour are:
• extreme jealousy
• anger when you want to spend time with your friends
• isolating you from friends and family
• trying to control your life (how you dress, who you hang out with and what you say)
• humiliating you, putting you down
• threatening to harm you or to self–harm if you leave them
• demanding to know where you are all the time
• monitoring your calls and emails, threatening you if you don’t respond instantly
• excessive alcohol drinking and drug use
• explosive anger
• using force during an argument
• blaming others for his/her problems or feelings
• being verbally abusive
• threatening behaviour towards others
Does relationship abuse only happen between boyfriends and girlfriends?
No. Relationship abuse can happen to anyone, including those who are in same sex relationships. If you are a male victim of abuse you can get information and advice from Respect on 0808 801 0327 (free from landlines and most mobiles open Monday - Friday 10am - 1pm and 2pm - 5pm). If you are in a same sex relationship and you recognise some of the signs of abuse, contact Broken Rainbow www.broken-rainbow.org.uk
Is abuse against the law?
Many abusive behaviours in relationships are against the law. For example, if your partner hits you, it’s assault. If they force you to carry out sexual acts or force you into sex, this is sexual abuse or rape. Being threatened or harassed by a partner is just as much a crime as violence from a stranger. If this is happening to you do not confront your partner on your own. Please speak to a trusted adult or the police.
My partner checks my text messages all the time. Is this abuse?
If your partner tries to control you by checking your text messages and wants to know who you are with all the time, you need to do something about it. This is controlling behaviour that can escalate from verbal and emotional abuse to physical violence . If your partner is extremely jealous and controlling this will have an impact on your mental and physical health. If their controlling behaviour gets worse you have to think about ending the relationship, but don’t confront them on your own.
My boyfriend says everyone is having sex but I still don’t feel ready. What should I do?
It is a common myth that “everyone is doing it”, but the average age for having sex for the first time is 16. Many people wait until they’re older. Even if you’ve had sex before it doesn’t mean you have to rush into doing it with your current boyfriend. Sexual relationships come with risks such as unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases and you always have the right to say “no”. If he cares for you he will understand why you want to wait. If you are under 16 it’s against the law for you to have sex. If your boyfriend is older than 16 he could be charged with rape if you enter into a sexual relationship with him. If you’ve been forced by your boyfriend to have sex against your will (or suffered any form of sexual abuse) then this is rape (it doesn’t matter that you are going out with each other) and you need to inform a trusted adult. If you want to speak to somebody in confidence contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.
My boyfriend is abusive, but at least I’ve got a boyfriend, right?
Nobody deserves to be abused. It is far better to be single than have a boyfriend that hits or verbally abuses you. Being in an abusive relationship can lead to long-term problems with your emotional and physical health. You have the right to be treated with respect. If you are in abusive relationship there is a lot of support available to you. Find out more here.
My girlfriend says I am pressurising her to have sex, but I think we're ready
Never rush or push each other into having sex. You may think that all your friends are having sex but the average age for the first time is 16. Even then many people wait until they’re older. Sexual relationships also come with risks, such as unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. You should respect your girlfriend for choosing to wait and not giving into peer pressure. Persuading someone to have sex, who doesn’t want to, or who isn’t ready, is rape. If you are older than 16 it is illegal to have sex with somebody under the age of 16 and you could be charged with statutory rape.
Is it ok to hit my girlfriend if she has been flirting with other people?
No. Abuse is never ok and there are no excuses.
I am in an abusive relationship. Where do I go for help?
If you are in an abusive relationship never confront your partner on your own. Try speaking to a trusted adult (family member, teacher, youth worker). If you would rather speak to someone in confidence we have a list of agencies that can help you here.
Abuse can happen to anyone, including men. If your partner is violent, controlling or sexually abusive, try talking to a trusted adult. If you don’t think you can do this, you can speak in confidence using the helpline for males experiencing domestic abuse. Call freephone 0808 801 0327, email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk
