SOME FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

If you think you can spot some of the warning signs of abuse in your friend’s relationship, the person who is being abused needs professional help and your encouragement and support to stop it. 
Approach the subject in a sensitive way, such as saying ‘I am worried about you because….’. Let them know that the abuse is not their fault, it’s unacceptable and that support is available.

It can be useful to think up a code word that they can use on the phone to let you know they need help. 
Don't ignore the issue if you think it is happening. When you try to talk to them, try not to make them feel judged as it takes courage to admit abuse. 
Encourage them to talk to a trusted adult, and if their partner has been violent or forced them to have sex, encourage them to talk to the police. You shouldn’t confront their partner on your own and neither should your friend. 
If your friend wants to speak to someone in confidence encourage them to contact these helplines:

For girls - National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247
For boys - Respect 0808 801 0327 
Childline 0800 11 11

Stalking is one of the most common abusive behaviours. If you’re being stalked it can be very frightening. You can be stalked by a partner or ex-partner as well as strangers.

Stalking can mean all kinds of behaviours such as:

•    regularly sending unwanted flowers or gifts
•    frequent unwanted contact in person, by telephone, online or emails
•    damaging property
•    harassment of people close to you
•    physical or sexual assault

If the behaviour is persistent, clearly unwanted and causes you fear, harassment or anxiety, then it is stalking and you don’t have to live with it.

If you feel you’re in danger, call the police on 999 at any time.

You can also ring The National Stalking Helpline on 0300 636 0300 or visit: www.protectionagainststalking.org/node/22 or
www.stalkinghelpline.org/about-the-helpline/who-are-we/

It can be very hurtful when someone you care for treats you badly. Your partner could be a bully one moment and nice to you the next, but if someone really likes or loves you, they should always treat you with respect. 

Controlling, teasing, bullying and humiliating are all forms of emotional abuse. Staying in a relationship where you are being emotionally abused could cause you to lose your self-esteem and confidence. An abusive, violent or controlling relationship is not normal or acceptable; nobody needs to tolerate this behaviour and if the bullying is making you worried you need to speak to a trusted adult. If you need to talk to someone in confidence contact Childline on 0800 11 11, or visit www.thehideout.org.uk

Abuse can happen to anyone including men. If your partner is violent, controlling or sexually abusive try talking to a trusted adult. If you can’t do this call the helpline for males experiencing domestic abuse on freephone 0808 801 0327, email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk

It can be very hard deciding to leave a relationship, no matter what’s happened. If you’ve experienced relationship abuse it can be even harder. You may be worried about what your partner will say or do, so it’s really important that you talk to someone about what you’re planning to do and try not to end the relationship when you are on your own with your partner. You may want to keep a bag of things (like clothes, passport, and important documents) with a friend so that they are there if you need them. Remember, you deserve to be safe and there is help and support available.

You can find more information and a safety plan here: http://www.respectnotfear.co.uk/keepingsafe/59-difficult-to-leave.html

If you’re a girl, call Refuge 0808 2000 247. Boys can call Respect on 0808 801 0327.

Ending a relationship can be difficult and upsetting but if you’re being abused it’s important for your long-term physical and mental health that you end the relationship. All physical or sexual abuse is illegal (it doesn’t matter that you are dating) and you must always report it to the police or a trusted adult.

Nobody deserves to be abused. It’s never your fault or “just the way things are”. Abuse will have a long-term effect on your confidence and can lead to depression, isolation and ill health. If you are being abused tell a trusted adult or contact any of the following helplines in confidence: For girls - National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247 
For boys - Respect 0808 801 0327 
- Childline 0800 11 11 - 
The Samaritans 08457 90 90 90

Using violence to control your partner is unacceptable. It’s turning you into someone you don’t want to be and will have long-term effects on your partner’s physical and mental health.

Being violent can also wreck your prospects. It can lead to a loss of respect from your mates, loneliness and trouble at school or work. To manage your anger safely in the short term, you’ll need to recognise the physical signs of when you get angry.

These signs can be:

•    your heart beats faster
•    you breathe more quickly
•    you get tense in your shoulders
•    you start to clench your fists

Once you notice any of these signs and feel you are likely to lose control, try to walk away. If you can’t, try calming down by taking a few deep breaths and relaxing as you breathe out. Managing your anger in the long term can be done through:

•    exercise
•    getting enough sleep
•    avoiding drugs and alcohol
•    doing something positive like sport to act as a release
•    talking to family or friends about your feelings

Anger is not an excuse for being abusive towards someone and is never acceptable. If you want to talk to someone in confidence call the Respect phoneline: 0808 802 4040
 

It takes courage to admit that your behaviour is wrong and unacceptable. The good news is that you can change, as long as you really want to. Contact Respect for advice on how to stop: www.respect.uk.net

Abusive behaviour can be:
•    violent (hitting, kicking, slapping)
•    emotional (humiliating and putting you down)
•    sexual (forcing you to do sexual acts you don’t want to)

Abusive relationships can start with verbal or emotional abuse and could happen to anyone (including those in same-sex relationships). It can often escalate into physical abuse, by which time your self-esteem is likely to be damaged.

Some warning signs of potential violence and abusive behaviour are:
•    extreme jealousy
•    anger when you want to spend time with your friends
•    isolating you from friends and family
•    trying to control your life (how you dress, who you hang out with and what you say)
•    humiliating you, putting you down
•    threatening to harm you or to self–harm if you leave them
•    demanding to know where you are all the time
•    monitoring your calls and emails, threatening you if you don’t respond instantly
•    excessive alcohol drinking and drug use
•    explosive anger
•    using force during an argument
•    blaming others for his/her problems or feelings
•    being verbally abusive
•    threatening behaviour towards others

No. Relationship abuse can happen to anyone, including those who are in same sex relationships. If you are a male victim of abuse you can get information and advice from Respect on 0808 801 0327 (free from landlines and most mobiles open Monday - Friday 10am - 1pm and 2pm - 5pm). If you are in a same sex relationship and you recognise some of the signs of abuse, contact Broken Rainbow www.broken-rainbow.org.uk

Many abusive behaviours in relationships are against the law. For example, if your partner hits you, it’s assault. If they force you to carry out sexual acts or force you into sex, this is sexual abuse or rape. Being threatened or harassed by a partner is just as much a crime as violence from a stranger. If this is happening to you do not confront your partner on your own. Please speak to a trusted adult or the police.

If your partner tries to control you by checking your text messages and wants to know who you are with all the time, you need to do something about it. This is controlling behaviour that can escalate from verbal and emotional abuse to physical violence . 

If your partner is extremely jealous and controlling this will have an impact on your mental and physical health. If their controlling behaviour gets worse you have to think about ending the relationship, but don’t confront them on your own.

It is a common myth that “everyone is doing it”, but the average age for having sex for the first time is 16. Many people wait until they’re older. 

Even if you’ve had sex before it doesn’t mean you have to rush into doing it with your current boyfriend. Sexual relationships come with risks such as unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases and you always have the right to say “no”. If he cares for you he will understand why you want to wait. If you are under 16 it’s against the law for you to have sex. If your boyfriend is older than 16 he could be charged with rape if you enter into a sexual relationship with him. 

If you’ve been forced by your boyfriend to have sex against your will (or suffered any form of sexual abuse) then this is rape (it doesn’t matter that you are going out with each other) and you need to inform a trusted adult. If you want to speak to somebody in confidence contact Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999.

Nobody deserves to be abused. It is far better to be single than have a boyfriend that hits or verbally abuses you. Being in an abusive relationship can lead to long-term problems with your emotional and physical health. You have the right to be treated with respect. If you are in abusive relationship there is a lot of support available to you. Find out more here.

Never rush or push each other into having sex. You may think that all your friends are having sex but the average age for the first time is 16. Even then many people wait until they’re older. Sexual relationships also come with risks, such as unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. You should respect your girlfriend for choosing to wait and not giving into peer pressure. Persuading someone to have sex, who doesn’t want to, or who isn’t ready, is rape. If you are older than 16 it is illegal to have sex with somebody under the age of 16 and you could be charged with statutory rape.

No. Abuse is never ok and there are no excuses.

If you are in an abusive relationship never confront your partner on your own. Try speaking to a trusted adult (family member, teacher, youth worker). If you would rather speak to someone in confidence we have a list of agencies that can help you here.

Abuse can happen to anyone, including men. If your partner is violent, controlling or sexually abusive, try talking to a trusted adult. If you don’t think you can do this, you can speak in confidence using the helpline for males experiencing domestic abuse. Call freephone 0808 801 0327, email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk